There’s a lot going on in my mind right now.
My best friend hasn’t responded to me in a while. It’s not that unusual but she usually always texts me good morning, since she wakes up before me. and she wasn’t feeling very good yesterday. she’s told me how she feels she’s getting bad again a few days ago. so now i cannot help but to worry about her. she’s has a history with trying to take her life.
as in my other post stated, my friends mother is possibly dying and it makes me worried about him. they have a complicated relationship but I know he loves her. and he’s attempted suicide before, so I worry this will be the final breaking point for him.
and then there’s just me feeling kinda shitty in general, with my anxiety spiking for no reason, feeling extremely suicidal out of nowhere and just this suffocating pressure over me. yesterday my friends jealousy got the best of her again and it triggered memories in me. i was hanging out with two of my local friends and they got to the topic of one of their ex-boyfriends. i’m having a hard time with all this love and boys talk, because I am lowkey traumatised from stuff a friend both did and said.
honestly, my mind is just chaos, i want to die and feel like i have nowhere to go.
How are you caring for yourself? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating well enough? You are dealing with the intractable emotional issues of others. It’s no wonder that your mind feels as though it’s in chaos.
You feel as though you have nowhere to go, but you are going to your friends and adding their emotional burdens to yours. It may be a good thing that you are available to them, but keep in mind, their emotional state is affecting yours, and their suicidal ideations can trigger such feelings in you.
You have a lot on your mind, and it’s probably extremely difficult for you to take your mind off of these issues. Just the same, try to give yourself a break.
First off thank you for sharing this struggle. This is never an easy thing. So I want to break this down to a few parts. I want to say that part of this post feels like you are discussing issues with your friends and the fears you have that they will die or something is wrong and I feel that. I want you to know that they are the ones that would make that choice if they did. If you have ever heard the phrase you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. I feel that is super important for this. You can lead them to support and help but you cant make them change you cant stop them from things they choose to do. I get that care and need to help be there and that safety for them. So the next part I want to address is this your friends talking about dating and jealousy etc… Well first off have you shared with these friends how you feel. Sometimes saying hey I really am not into this conversation can help you. If friends close to us arent willing to support us than maybe they arent good friends we should have. I also want to say that you deserve people around you that care about you and the feelings you have and if these friends arent respecting that you may need to rethink what type of friendship or etc… they are for you. On the idea of chaos in our minds that is hard to deal with I use a lot of means of talking out what is in my mind. I recently had a friend who just got upset with me and hurt me deeply but what I did was I carefully talked it out with a dear friend of mine and came to found that perhaps what was said was just out of frustration at that moment. You are always welcome to share here on the wall. But perhaps come join the discord and join the twitch streams there is always stuff going on here. Lots of activity. We are here to help you. Hold fast