I’m sorry I’m not better

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I know I have no reason to apologize but it’s all that I can think of.

Yesterday it wasn’t just work that led me to where I was, it was my dad getting mad which led me into the thought process of me always messing everything up and not being good enough.

Should have explained better.

I feel like no one ever knows what someone else is going through and it makes me feel hopeless and defeated, I can’t express how I feel very well. It never comes out right.

I have chest pains again and all that is running through my head is what ifs. What if my dad is still mad, what if my mom is mad. My head hurts from crying so much.

I had a complete mental breakdown last night. I just wanted to rip my hair out and burn myself and hurt myself because I felt I deserved it.

The hardest part about being open is the way people look at you. When I was going to counseling my mom seemed to never understand. I could always hear the disappointment in her voice. The looks from my sister, telling me I just need to get the help that I need.

We’ve never been close in times like these.

I was told I need to tell my dad how his actions make me feel. I still believe that conversation will never happen. I’m too scared.

I really just can’t wait to get out of this house. Work is my outlet so I’m glad to be getting more hours.

I get life is like that sometimes. Work is hard. And so on.

Sorry if I’m annoying to you. Sorry if I’m a burden. I shouldn’t have to say I’m sorry but I don’t know what else to do.

Im trying to save up to move out. A wound won’t heal if you keep picking at it. It’s been proven if I’m still living here I’m not going to get better.

I had bad dreams last night about my dad being mad at me, and me trying to tell my mom we should talk to my dad and she started yelling at me. I know they were dreams but they impact me.

That’s all I have for now. Thanks for reading.

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Hey, thank you for your story!

I am probably not the right person to help you but i can tell that feel really simular sometimes.
There are so many evenings i feel like i am a disappointment to my parents and grandparents. You are not alone.
You said you felt like ripping out your hair, hurting yourself etc,… did you?
No matter what others say or do, you do not deserve any pain no matter what you did.
I like that work is distracting from your problems, atleast a bit it seems but i also think you should talk to your dad. What are you afraid of? It cant get worse, could it? =)
I held my feelings back for years and was surprised that my dad actually seemed to understand what i am going through. Give him a chance to be a good dad =) He seems to be important to you, let him know that you need the same feelings coming from him.

I hope you know that you are not alone. Feel free to contact me whenever you want.

<3 - Allie

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Thank you for the support; I did not follow through with any harm to myself.

Thank you again, much love

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I am glad you realize that you have no reason to apologize. Because you seriously do not have to.

I’m not very good at expressing myself either, so I can relate. It’s hard to express to others, especially in the moment, exactly what you are feeling and what’s going on, in such a way that people can truly see and understand.

You explained what you could at the time and that’s okay. You were hurting and that was clear. You were having a hard time and needed a friend, which was also clear. And that’s all that matters. All the fine details is not always necessary for a friend to be able to be there and express love. No matter how much or how little detail you give, we love you. We are here for you. And as long as you know that, then that is all that matters

It’s hard confronting a parent and telling them how they make you feel when you live under their roof. I know that fear. Because if it doesn’t go well, you’re still there with nowhere to run. So I understand. I had issues with how my mom treated me and there was no way I could ever tell her how I was feeling when living with her. I hope that there is a safe way for you to talk to your dad at some point. And that you find the strength and courage to share what you need. And I hope that he listens and is understanding.

I love you my friend. Whether you are able to talk to him or not, I am here for you. And as always I always have an inbox reserved as a safe place for you when you need it. Even if you don’t want advice and just want a friend to hear you out.

Be gentle with yourself and know how incredibly loved you are.

  • Kitty
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Others shouldn’t dictate who you are honey. You are good enough. You are. You may feel like you’re annoying people, but your story makes me feel better to know I’m not alone. If you’re worried about your dad being mad at you… he is not God and he doesn’t know everything. Just because your dad gets mad, doesn’t mean he has a right to. You are good enough. Try not to let your family get to you too much, kay honey? They may be family, but we’re all human and if they don’t understand that’s their problem. You’ll be okay. You’re a survivor

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If you turn “I’m sorry I’m not better” into “I’m not better,” there is a small yet profound change from you being hopeless to you stating that something is wrong. Suddenly it’s not your fault because you aren’t taking ownership of the blame you feel for not being better. It’s a thing that is happening. It is a problem to be fixed. The problem becomes the important bit, not your inability to fix it. “I’m sorry for being diabetic” is ridiculous. Just because you are not better yet doesn’t mean that you won’t get better later. and just because you haven’t been able to get better so far doesn’t mean that not being better is your fault. Having a lack of ability isn’t automatically your fault or at least not yours alone. If you’re doing your best, you can’t be faulted for not getting better without help. Especially when one of the biggest supports you should have are your family and parents and instead they sound like they are making it worse.

Please, for at least a few days don’t say or think “I’m sorry.” Say and think “ok” or “thank you” or something neutral that doesn’t say something is your fault. Your biggest supporter is you and wonders can happen when you stop subconsciously blaming yourself.

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Hey. Wow, this sadness and fear you’re regularly enduring sounds like a huge burden :worried: I’m glad you’ve found the courage to share your struggle with us, and I’m glad you didn’t follow through with making your situation any worse by inflicting physical harm and more emotional pain on top of your existing load of emotional hurt.

As I process more and more in therapy, it seems clear that in my childhood and teenage years I was stuck in a related situation: I felt small, afraid, and unheard in a family that regularly felt threatening to me. I adopted a “don’t be a burden” mentality that I’m still coping with. I finally got my compulsive desire to apologise almost under control, but I also have difficulties expressing my feelings (or even feeling them!) that I’m trying to resolve.

Do you think your inclination to apologize and your parents getting mad are related? Maybe you feel their anger is some how your fault, somehow you caused it? Sounds like this is a pretty persistent issue you’re trying to cope with.

Your dad getting mad so much sounds very hurtful to you. Do you think you’d be as hurt if you discovered that much of the time his anger wasn’t about you? Perhaps the meat of his anger is about something much deeper. He likely has had to cope with a poor familial environment just like you do, and perhaps he became excessively angry due to it. People often release their feelings on a less intimidating person than the person that hurt them so they don’t get hurt (eg road rage). Maybe your dad is mad at his partner, job, parents, or friends, and he happens to be taking it out largely around your family. He may not even recognize it’s hurting you because he’s so blinded by his own problems. There’s a phrase that sums this up really well: “hurt people hurt people”. It doesn’t make it okay, but if you can realize how you as a dependent are not responsible for the emotional state of your parents, that it’s the other way around, if you can see how this is not your fault, maybe you can free yourself to cope healthily without degrading and harming yourself more than this environment is already harming you.

Even if you imagine: let’s say you have a five year old daughter and she left her toys out and that made you mad. Is that really your daughter’s fault? She doesn’t know rules yet, you can’t expect her to just know to clean up, this is a learning opportunity. This is a trivial example and I know you’re much older and this situation is much more complex, but if you’ve been afraid of your dad for years due to his anger, it may have started out with events just like this one when you were much younger. It’s not your fault. You’re not a bad person. Your desire to hurt yourself makes me think that you are a hurt person, not a bad person. If there are bad people, which I haven’t met one yet, they aren’t concerned about taking blame and saying their sorry. Sounds like you’ve been put down and terrified by your family’s issues, but this shame isn’t yours to own–their mistreatment of you stems from their problems, not you. You’re not a burden. Your dream speaks volumes, sounds like your unconscious mind is worried about you being unfairly emotionally ripped open for even discussing your feelings. They dump their feelings on you all the time. This is not your fault.

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Hey Lys,

I definitely understand the struggle of not knowing what to say. To know that I’m not okay, to know that I’m struggling, but I can’t put into words what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling that way. That is nothing to apologize for, and you are not alone in that. Especially in the moment when we are overwhelmed with emotions, it’s already hard enough to try to make sense of those emotions, nonetheless to try to explain them through words behind a screen to people we don’t know.

As far as people not understanding what we are going through, I struggle with that a lot as well! I don’t feel like people understand, so often times I just won’t even open up about what’s going on! So I am proud of you for opening up about what you are going through! Know that we are here for you, we love you, and we believe in you!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It!

Love Always,
Monkey

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