I’m struggling to find any motivation

I’ve been questioning why I should go on any more for a couple of months now. All my life I have been conquering physical and mental obstacles, if I was knocked down I would get right back up no problem. I survived a lot of accidents ranging from a breathing issue just after being born to multiple TBI’s (traumatic brain injuries) to crashing my car. I have proven my abilities in my career as a mechanic despite being thin and having a lack of visual muscles. I struggled in school due to undiagnosed mental illnesses and still managed to graduate with a 3.2 gpa. At the start of this year I irritated my lower back lifting heavy weights, after this I lost a lot of enthusiasm through the physical therapy and chiropractic visits. There are previous leg injuries that hinder my recovery and I ended up losing my job as a mechanic because I feel like I have given up. I am applying to other jobs but my motivation is not there. I have struggled with depression and its highs and lows but I am feeling lower than I’ve ever felt before. I used to tell people about everything that has happened in my life and I would take pride in their awe and their admiration would make me feel powerful and in some instances invincible. Now I feel angry. Now I feel guilty for being alive. I feel selfish. My friends have died, my family has died, lots of them younger than I am now. I’ve felt this way before and I put my hands into near boiling water repeatedly for months, I just want to be done, I want to rest, I don’t know what to look for anymore, I sometimes think I see the answer but then I find myself back where I was. I should be dead and I no longer rejoice in the fact that I’m alive.

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I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. I’d say you are very depressed. That means it’s nearly impossible to experience hope or consider that things can change for the positive. Depression blocks vision of the positive. It’s hard to muster energy when the depression is making you feel debilitated.

Perhaps it would help if you look back at the things you’ve overcome. You have a long history of overcoming obstacles. This obstacle (depression) is one more. This one may be more intractable, and you might need help in overcoming it. I think if you overcome it, motivation will return.

Please try and hook up with therapy if you haven’t already. Your doctor can give you a referral. You can call 211 (in most areas). Their function is to connect people in need to mental and physical health resources.

Hey @WearyStorm

To kinda piggyback on what @Wings said, I’d also try and see if you can find a psychiatrist and neurologist. When you have depression mixed with multiple TBIs, it can create this brick wall in between your path to recovery. Having them on your care team can kinda help you tackle things from both sides, and hopefully meet at the middle to guide you to a much better life.

I know you’ve got this <3 Please keep us updated.

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You have been through so much, yet you are still standing, this means that you have a destiny that is waiting to be fulfilled. I believe that the hardest battles are given to the toughest soldiers. So, keep going don’t let those dark waters continue to drown you, come up to the surface in breathe, and make the loved ones that you have lost proud!

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