I’ve been questioning why I should go on any more for a couple of months now. All my life I have been conquering physical and mental obstacles, if I was knocked down I would get right back up no problem. I survived a lot of accidents ranging from a breathing issue just after being born to multiple TBI’s (traumatic brain injuries) to crashing my car. I have proven my abilities in my career as a mechanic despite being thin and having a lack of visual muscles. I struggled in school due to undiagnosed mental illnesses and still managed to graduate with a 3.2 gpa. At the start of this year I irritated my lower back lifting heavy weights, after this I lost a lot of enthusiasm through the physical therapy and chiropractic visits. There are previous leg injuries that hinder my recovery and I ended up losing my job as a mechanic because I feel like I have given up. I am applying to other jobs but my motivation is not there. I have struggled with depression and its highs and lows but I am feeling lower than I’ve ever felt before. I used to tell people about everything that has happened in my life and I would take pride in their awe and their admiration would make me feel powerful and in some instances invincible. Now I feel angry. Now I feel guilty for being alive. I feel selfish. My friends have died, my family has died, lots of them younger than I am now. I’ve felt this way before and I put my hands into near boiling water repeatedly for months, I just want to be done, I want to rest, I don’t know what to look for anymore, I sometimes think I see the answer but then I find myself back where I was. I should be dead and I no longer rejoice in the fact that I’m alive.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. I’d say you are very depressed. That means it’s nearly impossible to experience hope or consider that things can change for the positive. Depression blocks vision of the positive. It’s hard to muster energy when the depression is making you feel debilitated.
Perhaps it would help if you look back at the things you’ve overcome. You have a long history of overcoming obstacles. This obstacle (depression) is one more. This one may be more intractable, and you might need help in overcoming it. I think if you overcome it, motivation will return.
Please try and hook up with therapy if you haven’t already. Your doctor can give you a referral. You can call 211 (in most areas). Their function is to connect people in need to mental and physical health resources.
Hey @WearyStorm
To kinda piggyback on what @Wings said, I’d also try and see if you can find a psychiatrist and neurologist. When you have depression mixed with multiple TBIs, it can create this brick wall in between your path to recovery. Having them on your care team can kinda help you tackle things from both sides, and hopefully meet at the middle to guide you to a much better life.
I know you’ve got this <3 Please keep us updated.
You have been through so much, yet you are still standing, this means that you have a destiny that is waiting to be fulfilled. I believe that the hardest battles are given to the toughest soldiers. So, keep going don’t let those dark waters continue to drown you, come up to the surface in breathe, and make the loved ones that you have lost proud!
Hey Weary.
Thanks for taking a moment to be vulnerable and open up about something that is weighing on you so much.
I want to start off by celebrating you. You’ve been through so much. As you said, from physical obstacles, your struggle with your autonomy and your mental health, you’ve persevered through so much despite it all. That is an incredible thing to do and I am in awe of you. Truly.
With this post, you mentioned that, in spite of your success, you hurt your back and had to go to physio which sort of began a spiral of disenchantment with life. A sort of depression crept in and infected your life, leaving you lower than you’ve ever been, so much so that you feel a sense of guilt at having survived even this long when other people have passed.
That is a heavy heavy feeling my friend. And Id like to take a moment to shoulder that with you. Though I’ve not been through the same struggles, I can understand that feeling of guilt and some of the struggle that comes along with it, though mine is from a very different place.
Unlike you, I didn’t take a lot of pride in some of my struggles. I had a rougher home life. My parents were poor and always working or sleeping so they could work. There wasn’t any outright abuse or anything, but it wasn’t a warm family. You raised yourself or the TV raised you. Cooked your meals as soon as you could. And relied on nobody if you could help it. And that never changed in my teenage years. I struggled really hard with emptiness and depression starting around 13-14. But I didn’t know why. I felt like I was losing my mind. I hadn’t been abused. I had no reason to be depressed. Sure, we were poor and I was lonely. I craved connection. But I was eaten alive by a guilt. Like “there are people with actual health problems. Real world problems. They can’t pay their bills. They’re sick. And I’m just here, sad. Lonely.” I told myself I should just suck it up and get over it. That that is what people would do, right?
There was no magic realization that snapped me out of it. I beat myself up for a long time and remained incredibly depressed for a period of a few years. And thus lived my life off the rails. Eventually, it got to the point to where, when I looked ahead, all i saw on my calendar was struggle. I felt little joy at holidays or birthdays or anything. And i said “if this is all there is, what am I doing?”
Luckily, I rode the feeling out. I can’t point to a specific time where things just demystified. But they did. Things became clearer. Took the better part of a decade, in which I missed almost all of my 20s.
But I’m here now.
I won’t grandstand on a soapbox. Our stories are different. But on that guilt, and the self talk that may come out of it, I think i see a point where I understand, even if just a bit. I remember that feeling.
I’m in there with you friend. Please. Please don’t let that darkness snuff out your light.
You may not see it now, but I’d like to believe there is more out there for you. For the both of us.
Thank you again for posting. I really did appreciate this opportunity to connect with you. If you need anything more, do not hesitate.
Hold fast my friend. Don’t sink.