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I’m tired of losing

This is a lengthy blurb. All is honest and true to me and I need to get this out. Badly.

I am ending a relationship of 15 years. I was married at the age of 19 to the mother of my two kiddos. To sum up: she was controlling, mean, volatile, and a martyr. I was shy and self-absorbed and I don’t think we should have ever been more than friends. She did many things that I couldn’t stand. One thing she did was corner me and try to pop my zits for long lengths of time. I’d push her away but she didn’t stop. And I wasn’t going to go any further to physically stop her because I didn’t want her hurt or me have problems. And then after 30 minutes to an hour of being miserable, I’d shut down and then she’d get mad at me like it was my fault in the first place that she spent so long doing that. It was insane. She had an 8-month affair that was the beginning of the end, and possibly cheated other times, too. Unfortunately, it took me years to realize that being miserable and unhappy wasn’t worth it. I stayed for a while because we had our daughter, and coming from a broken home, I tried to move forward and not pass that life on to her. It took me having an affair of my own to see what it was like to feel safe with someone who didn’t treat me like I was used to being treated.

At first, I was going to leave my ex and not tell her of the affair, but she found out. It was bound to happen, I suppose because getting any time to myself was non-existent before then. My ex was so controlling… So when I started to have time to myself, it was different than the norm and it led to my ex finding out. Admitting to having an affair was hard for me and having been on the other side, I know it was miserable for my ex to hear. But honestly, I didn’t have much remorse because I believed I was done. My ex never told me about her affair, I found out through someone else and had the proof when I found her talking to someone else about the details of her physical relations with him on Facebook.

Anyway, I made a commitment to the woman I had an affair with, but ended up choosing my ex out of guilt. We were expecting a new baby and it just hit me hard. I’m still having difficulties sorting that out. But I did that. It broke me to choose my ex and it killed me to hurt the other woman. I loved the other woman then and I do now… Yes, we are back together. She took me back… (I’ll get back to that). So I spent the summer trying to make some sort of recompense for my choices to my ex and got ready to have another baby. Got a new house. Yes, I was giving my ex an ideal that things were going to be okay, but went back on it. Before summer, my ex called my work and contacted co workers about my affair. She also messaged my girlfriend’s family and started causing problems. My GF was going to file a report. I asked her not to, but understood she needed to do what she needed to do.

In the fall, the other woman (now girlfriend) and I went back to work (imagine that, we work together) and it was so awkward. But we reconnected. I’m not sure how we decided to re-engage with each other, or why she even spoke to me… It’s been over a year that we’ve been dating. I should mention that she was also married. He is an abusive alcoholic who does drugs and had a baby with another woman while they were married. I had no idea of any of that until later on, long after we first started our affair.

I moved out of my house completely in January of this year and I’ve been staying with a family member. Out of guilt and dysfunction, I agreed to a separation and a modified parenting plan that landed me a bad child support payment. I have debt, and it’s been a mess. My girlfriend filed for divorce shortly after I did, and things were on the way.

On Valentine’s Day, my GF and I met up at night at a local store - she was still living with her ex and lied to get away. He knew about everything, too, and got arrested for smashing the house and sending threatening texts to her… previously… Well, he followed her that night and while I was saying good bye to her, he broke into my truck and started punching me in the face. I didn’t even have time to react, but I got my hands around his throat and started to push him back out of my truck before he ran away. I was nice and bloody. I was furious of course, and was going to call the police. But. My GF took my phone and begged me not to. I didn’t end up making a report, but I know that I could do so at any time. And yes, I had an affair with his wife, and I still know that karma has things in store for me. That night haunts me still. I have a lot of anger and I rethink everything that happened and imagine what I wish I would’ve done instead. But it’s a poison I need to let go.

Well, fast forward four months, and her ex moves out. My GF and got into an argument and she cancelled her plans with me that night, very suddenly. I felt like something was up. And I’ll admit, it’s part of my fear that I still have from being cheated on. So I went over to her house at like 10 at night, and I was going to talk. She said good night to me early, but I knew better. She didn’t have her kids, they were staying somewhere with a grandparent. Well when I got there, her ex’s truck was outside her house. I waited and got brave enough to ring the doorbell. She answered and said I had to leave because he was there. She didn’t have a shirt on. She had a bra on and was alone with him in the bedroom. I said I was done and I left. I assumed the worst. She explained the situation later after telling him to leave and telling me to come back. She said nothing happened, but said she didn’t know if she still loved him. So, I was fuming but I eventually calmed down enough to realize that neither of us had time to really end things from our past relationships in our minds. There was not much time to process. Since her ex moved out, she invited me to come over and eventually stay with her. I was uncomfortable at first, but it got easier. I got to know her kids, she got to know mine. It got to the point where we tried to refinance the mortgage and put my name on the house, but my child support and her debt prevented that from happening. And since her house never sold - it was on the market for months (which was odd because hers is nicer than my old house) her ex’s name was and is still on the house.

For a few months now, I’ve been helping her with her bills. I even gave her almost $3000 to pay off debt so we could qualify but that fell through. We were told at first it would be easy to qualify but after months of waiting, the loan person we were using let us fall through the cracks and we were broke and nothing had been done. I paid her mortgage in full one month, and I’ve given her half the mortgage amount since, and have taken up a second job because I’m strapped.

Here’s where I’m frustrated, and maybe someone can tell me I’m being dull… I’ve been staying there when I don’t have my kids. I’ve been paying for the internet, cell phone bill, and half of the food, too. But she says I can’t move in till her ex’s name is off the house and the loan. She said she’s doing it out of respect for her ex, and so she doesn’t feel like a complete piece of crap. And now she says she isn’t taking money from me anymore. I know I’ve made her feel bad and I didn’t intend to. I also don’t understand why I can’t move in. Before he moved out, he brought another woman to their house, slept in their bed with her, and brought and did cocaine at the house.

He’s been out of the house for months. He doesn’t pay her for half the mortgage. I’ve been doing that.

Am I wrong to think I should be allowed to move in? She won’t come out and just say she doesn’t want me to. She’s asked me to move my things from the storage unit I have into her house. It’s like a tease. A mind game.

And how do I respond if she said she’s not taking money from me anymore? It’s like everything I’ve been doing to make this move forward was just tossed aside because she doesn’t want me there full time. It’s really starting to wear me thin - living out of my car and a duffel bag. I don’t want to give up time with her, but to see her, I have to live like this and there’s no give.

@sadlycontent,
First off, welcome to the support wall! I know it’s been a bit since you’ve posted, but I felt you needed to know that people are watching and reading. Just not everyone has the ability to answer all the time. So thank you for telling us your story, and opening up as you’ve done.
Man, that’s quite the roller coaster ride you’ve been on! I can’t even imagine the emotional toll that’s had on you. Going from a toxic relationship, only to end up with someone also dealing with the endings of a similar situation.
I’m no expert, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. I can only offer my thoughts. The biggest thing I can think of after reading your story, and you question of

Keep in mind that both of you are coming from bad relationships. And perhaps the best thing (for both of you) is some time to step back from the next relationship and get yourselves into a better mindset. One that is going to be a healthy one that is ready to start a new chapter of your life. I know it’s temping to have a brand new, honeymoon-phase experience just waiting for you. But rushing into that might not be the best idea for either of you. And that might be what she is thinking too? She might really enjoy the idea of being with you, but mentally she might need to really let go of her past before she can move on.
And I would suggest the same of you. Take some time for yourself, live for you, and find out who you are before rushing into another relationship. This will give you both the opportunity to sort things out with the other sides, and get a clean start.
Not to say that it’s easy, by far it isn’t. But the journey could prove to be the healthiest thing for both of you.
I hope you are able to find some peace within your life through all of this. And I hope that your living situation perks up. Let us know how it goes, and keep your head held high.
Good luck!

~Hamsamurai

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