It’s good to hear that Slipknot has been a positive outlet for you, friend. It’s so important to have these, especially when it feels like there is no one to talk to. At least, it helps us feel heard, understood, validated in so many ways. Their words echo our pain, and there is something healing in this connection.
I hear you though when you say that you’ve been feeling too unsafe to open up about your struggles over time. And to be honest, this is a reaction that is completely understandable. Reaching out is scary. Showing our most vulnerable sides implies taking some kind of risk as you don’t know what would be the outcomes, how the person in front of you would react. It’s a double edge sword: it can go so well and really help you to have understanding people by your side, but it can also end up being the opposite and having people making you feel unheard or invalidate the way you feel. This fear that you’ve been experiencing makes sense, and somehow it’s a powerful way to protect yourself.
It’s like you’ve built these walls around yourself to protect against judgment or misunderstanding, but those same walls keep you isolated and alone with your pain. Which is tough, because there’s this deep need to be heard and understood, but the fear of opening up is so overwhelming that it removes the possibility to connect with others in a way that would allow you to be authentic. No need to hide or to wear a mask. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, wanting to jump and be free, but the fear of the unknown holds you back.
But then it’s like everything is also bubbling up inside, and there’s no outlet for release, which is freaking exhausting. There is a part of you that, despite the fears, longs for a safe space where you could let your emotions out…
I’ve been there too, and definitely understand how isolating, stressful, frustrating and intimidating it can feel to be blocked by this fear. To just constantly be fighting an internal battle without seeing any way out. It feels like there’s no good option and in either way you would lose something. Vulnerability is a powerful tool for healing, but how scary it is at the same time, especially if past experiences have taught you to be cautious about opening up.
Trusting someone with your deepest thoughts is a big step, and it’s okay to take your time with it, friend. Personally - and of course this only applies to me -, I am a firm believer that there is a right time for everything, and I wholeheartedly believe that one day that time will feel right for you. There will be a moment when the right circumstances would be met, and you will feel like you can trust your gut and invite safe people into your own world. Somehow, it’s okay to take your time while holding on to the hope that reaching out is not jut something for others. It can be for you too, when your heart will be ready for it.
There is hope for a future where you would feel safe enough to share your struggles and feel lighter because of it. I believe in you. 