I know it’s only been a few days, but I am missing Katie so badly. We spent most of our days texting and chatting, and I keep reaching for my phone to text her, only to remember that they are messages that will never even send. I got myself a journal to write in every time I reach for my phone, so I can write the things I want to tell her in there, and I write to her every night before bed, and I just cry every time I open the journal.
It hurts so much. I keep bouncing between blaming myself for not taking her call, or texting/calling her back on the day and refusing to believe it’s real.
I can’t accept that she’s gone.
It’s been more than a year since we had to put one my dogs down, and anyone who knows me, knows that those dogs are my world - I still, more than a year on, haven’t accepted that he’s no longer here. How am I supposed to even begin accepting that Katie is gone as well? Although I feel like generally, my mental health isn’t in a really bad place, every time I stop and have nothing to focus on, all the blaming and denial comes flooding back, and it triggers suicidal thoughts in myself, which, I know I won’t act on, but am struggling to handle when they surface…
I feel the pain in your words. There are people that i have lost in my life that i did not get to say good bye to and i understand . I also think that you keeping a journal is a great idea i know that it has helped me in the past to just write out everything that is going thru my head even if it is a jumbled mess. Grief is very hard to deal with and each person has to find there way thru it for them self but your truely never alone. I know it will take time but eventually you will need to let go of there passing and remember the good times you spent together it sounds like you were very close and im sure that they would want you to be happy. When someone passes i dont think there ever truly gone there are reflections of them in yourself and other that they have touched. We tend to think of our selves as individuals that are not changed by others but that is simply not true even the toughest head strong person is effected by meeting someone. They may not realize it at that time but there are things that all we either do or think differntly about evently. Im sure in this case if you look back you can find some of these things. That is something of them you will never lose. Im sure you find sure footing in these coming weeks take the time you need to take care of your self and i hope this helps.