This is going to be the hardest holiday of them all. Christmas is the only holiday where we were all happy. And now that she is gone I don’t think thats possible. She won’t be here for Christmas, new years or even my birthday and graduation. I just wish she would be here for all of that. We put her head stones out this morning and that was one of the hardest thing to do next to giving her a funeral. Things haven’t been the same without hearing her voice everyday through the phone. I have started self harming again since she died . She is all i think about and I’m not ready to spend the holidays alone without her. She was all I had left and now she is gone and I’m left with nothing but scars I gave myself to grieve. I regret ever making that first cut after being clean for a year. It is so hard to stop when that’s all I do. She would have talks me out of it, by now she’s not here. I just really miss her.
Even if you feel like you’re failing, each day you get up and try is you doing your best. Grieving is a difficult process and there is no ‘right’ way to do it. It never gets easy but you learn to live your life again. Sending you strength for this hard time and I hope you find a way to celebrate even a little as a way to honor your sister <3
I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s nothing I could say that could fill this emptiness but I want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my brother almost two years ago now and I miss him so much. I feel your pain. Losing a sibling is beyond words. It’s not what is supposed to be, it feels unnatural and unfair.
Christmas is triggering. And there will be other moments like this, some particular dates in the calendar. But you know what? You’ll learn to fill this emptiness with the love you had for each other. This love didn’t disappear. It’s still here with you, in your heart and in your soul. And somehow she is still here with you, as you’re holding this love for both of you now. What you learned from her, the great memories and discussions you had, her values, her personality, keep on living through you. I know it hurts to realize there won’t be any other of those moments anymore. But you also had this chance to know her, to be her sister. And this is something that will always be here with you.
If you don’t feel okay with celebrating Christmas for the moment, then keep it simple as much as you can. You don’t need to push yourself.
I also wanted to hurt myself so many time because of unexpected crying spells that happened everytime. I don’t self-harm, but I understand how this energy, pain and anger at the same time can makes us want to express it just as we can. Please, don’t forget that she would certainly want you to take care of you. When I have those urges, I try to reread again some wonderful words my brother sent to me a few time before he passed away. I just try to cry as much as possible, even if sometimes it seems endless, and to not turn this energy towards myself. Because that’s what love is about my friend. It is powerful and it goes beyond everything.
Sending much love your way.