I miss you

My dear friend,

I miss you.

It has been about 14 years since we met, and you fascinated me from minute one.

You probably don’t know this, but you taught me so much, so much about life and people, and about myself.

You were one of the first people who accepted me the way I am, you didn’t try to change me. You taught me to look at people‘s hearts, and not their looks or actions. You taught me that there is always a reason behind every action and that forgiveness can be hard, but also possible.

You showed me that there is good in me, that I can be there for people. You showed me that people are people, no matter how they identify, dress, look, or what they do and who they love.

You showed me what friendship is.

I am sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me. I am sorry I did not meet you when you wanted to see me. I am sorry I was angry about the past, when all you needed was a friend who listens.

I am sorry I wasn’t there when you needed someone by your side.

For an entire year I blamed myself for what happened. I was convinced I could have saved you, but the truth is, I couldn’t have. There would have been nothing I could have said or done to change our mind; nothing I could have done to change your situation. I am deeply sorry.

I really hoped that things are finally working out for you. I was so sure that you can finally be happy now.

Once in a while I still have dreams where it was all just a big mix up and you are still here.

I still wonder sometimes what it was that you were going to tell me, what it was that you were going to say, if seeing you would have meant a different outcome.

It has been 5 years since you‘ve been gone, 5 years without you.

I miss you, and I wish you were here.

My dear friend, you took your life, and that day, you also took a piece of me.

I loved you, you were my best friend.

You made my life better, you made me feel like I could do anything and be anyone I want to be. You made me feel like I belong. Your laughter always made me smile and your wonderful sarcasm made the worst day bearable.

Life was not easy on you and you took many punches, but you always had a smile on your face, always helping others up. The things you had to go through were more than unfair, but you never complained.

I don’t know what I would have done without you, you showed me what confidence is.

I will be forever grateful for your friendship and for the time growing up that we had together.

I wish I would have picked up the phone…


Fuck, man…so brutal. I’m sorry for your loss, Fiji. And for the pain and burden and guilt you still carry. Five years later and yet it’s hard to totally heal. It feels there’ll always be a scar. I grieve their loss with you, I feel the pain of regret, the wishing one moment could have been different, and then maybe life would be as it was intended to be. It is a bitch that we cannot go back and mend our past to realign the branches of time, as if to stint it and place it back on track. Time is so cold and indifferent that way. I choose to remember your friend with you today, Fiji.

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Thanks Nate.
It still hurts to think about her.
It throws me off when I hear her voice or see her face in a dream.
I now know it wasn’t my fault, but I wish she were here.
Fuck man, I miss her.

I undersatnd you.
I know that’s what everybody says, but I feel for what you siad more strongly than what anybody else said on heartsupport. I know that the world doesn’t revolve around myself.
When I read what you wrote I …

I can’t eplain it…
I never could.

It is the shodow of the fox. It goes in the dreams, weaving the trees, loving…

It has to do with it. If you don’t undersatnd hat I understand, than never mind me and my shadow fox.

I just know how you feel and I feel like it too.

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