Let me preface this by saying that I know there is a reason for all of this, but I still feel like I can’t get ahold of how I feel. There’s a LOT going on and without telling you all my life story, I’ll just stick to what I’m facing right now.
I’ve already been dealing with depression and anxiety (diagnosed, but unmedicated). I feel less angry and more … just sad. I got COVID in January. It started with an unusual fever and I say that because normally fevers for me either stay up or low grade. This one plagued me for a whole week like a roller coaster climbing up and dropping to a low grade fever. The only thing that was constant about this fever was that it wasn’t getting better, so I finally went to the ER where they told me that I had COVID and to watch my breathing/oxygen in take with a certain kind of monitor. Not two days later, I was rushed to the hospital because my oxygen was dropping and quickly too.
Staying in the hospital was the worst experience I’ve had by far. I realize staying at the hospital is no walk through Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory but… DEAR GOD!!.. I was so ALONE! Me and Alone do not mix very well. They eventually had to put me on a strong anxiety medicine because I couldn’t stay calm. I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see anyone again. The doctors put me on an oxygen machine because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen which is dangerous for your body. And they finally let it slip that I had DOUBLE Lung Pneumonia. Basically, my lungs looked like I had smoked for 40 years because they were both black in the X-ray. But, by some miracle I finally got to go home. They kept me on oxygen and sent me on my way.
This leads to the past few weeks. I’m still currently on oxygen, but now only need it at night when I sleep. (Yay improvement) But, …
No one truly prepares you for the side affects of COVID.
I’ve had to get over the fact that I may be on oxygen for a while so I’ve accepted that. But depression and anxiety are at a level that is way more difficult to manage, especially now. The reason why…
I’m losing the one thing that was still good about myself… My hair. I before you click away, this IS NOT the normal amount people lose on a daily basis. I thought I didn’t care. I thought I could handle this. Every day I wake up and go to brush out my hair it’s like raining hair in my sink and the floor. I woke up yesterday and found where its coming from. I never thought I’d find a bald spot when I’m not even into my 30s yet. Since I’ve been losing my hair all I can think about is what my best friend went through in her battle against Leukemia. She finally had to shave her head so this wouldn’t happen to her. Every thing she went through with cancer, her lungs, her hair… I feel like I truly know what she went through last year before she passed away. I understand that looks aren’t everything, especially when you are dealing with things your can’t help. But, … I don’t know what to do.
I told my husband something last night that I’ve never told anyone EVER! about how I feel when things become tough. About how I feel like he and my daughter would be better off without me. I’ve never had thoughts of killing myself, but the thoughts of dying different ways have occurred to me. But I also said this and I mean it… I still want to fight, for my life, for my heart and soul. I still have hope there is a better tomorrow. I’m going to fight like hell to get there. I just feel so discouraged right now. I need someone to talk to. I have no one right now. I talk to my husband normally, but he’s been under so much stress. We all have. But I don’t want to put any more pressure on him than he’s already dealing with.
Thank you for listening/reading… I could really use some encouragement.
P.S. The right side was when I went into the hospital… The Left is the day before I got out.