I need help, I can't decide what I want out of life

Hi, I’m rather new to this forum. So forgive any reason you have to not like me. I have just about everything I could ever want in my humble life, but I am still deeply unhappy inside. Really depressed. I’ve been through the inferno pits until, well, now. I just sit and play guitar all day and depress myself. I have social anxiety so I dont connect well with other people, not even musicians can get close to me. The few that have, left my life soon after I became close and starting getting somewhere with it. So I’ve just been doing solo projects. I feel like everyone hates me with a passion and I just want to be accepted and friends with them. I can’t connect well… only when playing music and thats the ONLY thing that helps me cope. I really wish I could do something music related with others… I just, don’t know how.

hi friend,

I’m sory that your anxiety and depression has been hard for you. I have anxiety too and I know that it has caused me to accidentally push people away. I’m really happy that you have music though. It sounds like it is a healthy outlet for you. Maybe you could think about talking to a therapist or counselor to help you when it comes to dealing with your anxiety and learning how to maintain healthy and good friendships. I think they would be able to give you some tips on how to handle your anxiety/depression and also get tools to help you feel better in social settings. That’s just a suggestion and you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. I just know it really helped me when i was in college and I was incredibly lonely because my depression caused me to isolate myself. All in all i just want you to know you are loved. And i am happy you are here.

Sounds like one of the deep things you want in life is friendship and love. You want to feel connected to someone, to be able to count on someone being there, to believe and trust that they aren’t going to bail, that you can depend on them…you have a lot of things you’ve wanted in terms of external stuff, but it feels like when you go home at the end of the day, you have to carry all of your internal stuff alone, and you’re exhausted by it. You can cope in the meantime through music, but even that isn’t enough to completely drown out these thoughts. You want someone to talk to, someone who will stick around, someone who will weather the storms of life with you.

And I think that’s a totally reasonable thing to want. I spent the first three years of my marriage in total isolation. I went from having tons of friends and feeling connected to a group of guys in my life, but then we moved and started a new life, and I stopped reaching out, stopped really connecting with people, stopped searching, and I remember feeling so alone. Like when I had these spells of depression or despair, I picked up my phone and just couldn’t even think of anyone to call.

You’re not alone wanting this, man. And you’re also not doomed to fail, to be alone forever. I’ve got two best friends now and have stepped out of isolation – the point is that there’s hope for me and for you. Don’t buy the lie that this is how it’s always going to be.

It might make sense to take ownership of the problem, though. The truth is, chances are super slim that the “perfect person” is just going to waltz into your life, especially since you spend most of it at home. If you truly want this, you’re going to have to fight for it – all meaningful things in life require you to war to get them. So if you decide this is one of the things you truly want in life, you need to gear up for war, because it’s going to be messy, and difficult, and require more of you than is comfortable. But it will be worth it!

So decide if this is something you truly want, take ownership of the problem, and keep fighting until you win. Because if you set your mind to it, you will!

I can relate to you so much, friend. I have everything I need, a good home with a good family, but I still fall down. I understand about not connecting well and especially about not feeling accepted. Keep trying. Try to believe, not everyone lives in a world of hate. Try to honest with them, express how much you want to play with them.
I wish I could visit you. I’m learning how to play guitar on my own (hiding in my room and using an accoustic guitar), because my parents don’t want me to learn, especially my dad. He thinks I can’t play guitar and violin at the same time. I don’t feel accepted in that way and it hurts, that I can’t be allowed to just be me and follow my passions.
You are not alone, and you never will be.
Take joy in who you are, and don’t give up.