I’m always really bad at starting these off so I’m going to just get into it.
So, recently I made the choice to accept God into my life and I’m excited and anxious because I know my parents have horrendous views on religion. I don’t regret it, and I know He will love me, and look after me no matter what, but, there’s other things happening. Of course I’m going to keep praying on it all, I just… I don’t know where else to go right now.
As some of you know, I’ve been going to therapy for a while now, and it’s going really well with my new therapist… However, today we spoke about an incident when I was 8 years old where I witnessed my dad strangling my mum. She asked me what I was doing in the room. Where my sisters were… What the argument was about. What happened afterwards… what my role in it was as the eldest child. I couldn’t answer as such… I knew what I should have been feeling and probably was feeling, but, Im so used it, that, my dads anger doesn’t scare me anymore so it was hard to bring the feelings back. She wants to keep working on it, she believes if we can get to acknowledging all of that, I can get memory of my childhood back. Right now, I don’t remember anything from before I turned 8. It is all just blank - as if I didn’t even exist until that incident.
I know this needs to be done in order for me to recover. I just really don’t know how to deal with the emotions this is bringing back… I don’t know how to prepare for the nightmares, how to get ready for the chance of memories coming back more than they have been.
I just… Need some advice, I really don’t know where to go right now.
Kayla