I never really knew loneliness until now

I moved just over a month ago. About a month before we left, I got my phone taken away because I got in trouble (parents threw it away). I hadn’t seen my friends in a few months because of social distancing but once I got in trouble, I wasn’t able to spend any time with them at all before moving. My parents didn’t even let me see them before we moved. During the move, I didn’t have contact with them either. The move has made our family dynamic even worse. Our family life has always been extremely dysfunctional, but the added stress has made it like hell. In total, it’s been three months since I’ve had any form of contact with anyone and five since I’ve physically seen them . School is online so I can’t escape from home or make new friends and I feel like I’m deteriorating more and more each day. I don’t know what to do. My arms and upper legs are covered with scars. This is just surface level, I don’t want to get into my other issues right now (self-esteem, past trauma, other shit). But yeah, I hate myself for writing this. I feel so pathetic and stupid I know there’s people dying out there, but I genuinely need someone to talk to or at least know there’s something there, anything.


Oh @jaden5174, you’re not pathetic at all. You’re actually very brave by sharing about your situation. The circumstances you are in are really tough. It’s been such a crazy year with covid, but I also hear how it is for you with moving somewhere else. You did the right thing by sharing. Thank you. :heart:

I’d like to ask you a couple of questions, but please feel no obligation to respond if you don’t want to. I’d totally understand. Just do/say what makes you comfortable, always. No pressure.

I’m so sorry to hear that you couldn’t say goodbye to your friends. Even if you got yourself “in trouble”, it should have been different, as saying goodbye is important. Do you think you could send your friends a letter? I know it’s a bit old school, but it’s still something. :slight_smile:

Also, do you still have the possibility to just go outside and enjoy just the weather, a bit of nature, having a walk? School is a thing, but there is life outside of it too. It’s important to take the time to take care of yourself and to just breathe away from all of this pressure.

I hear what you say, about your family. Do you want to talk about what makes you say it’s dysfunctional? Are they aware of how you feel/is there any possibility to communicate with them? This could help us understand a bit more your current situation.

Please, know that it’s okay to share all of this. It’s the main purpose of this place. You have the right to be vulnerable and express how you feel.

If that’s a possibility for you, I’d also like to encourage you to stop by during the community streams on Twitch: twitch.tv/heartsupport (there are different “segments” and you can see the schedule on this page). It’s a great place to relax and discuss with members of this community, about serious or casual topics. :slight_smile: Also, feel free to join our Discord server: https://discord.gg/AXtDDP
It’s still online, of course, but I can tell from my own experience that being here in this community has helped me tremendously when I felt very isolated this year. It helps to be reminded that we’re not alone. And you’re not alone, Jaden. Thank you for being here. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi friend thanks so much for posting. You are among people here who care and truly want you to get through this horrible loneliness you are going through. I am so sorry you are feeling so disconnected. Being separated from friends and feeling isolated is a really hard thing and you are not even a little bit pathetic for struggling with this! If your school is online, can you possibly use that computer to connect with your friends from before your move? And I also think micro’s suggestion of going outside is a good one.

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Thanks so much for the response! I have been going outside with my skateboard for about a month now at night and it has really been extremely beneficial for me, almost addictive. I had my privileges revoked for a week, another reason why I’ve been so upset, and I could’ve gotten back on it now if it weren’t for the poor air quality due to the fires :frowning: As for my parents, our relationship is pretty complicated. But basically, whenever I try to talk to them about my feelings, they’ve said I’m having “delusions” and stuff like that when we were having pretty civilized conversations. Then, they get mad when I don’t open up to them. My mom especially wants me to talk to her, and I am considerably closer to her, but when I do it always ends up in her telling me that there are “people out there going through worse” or that they do “so much for me”. I completely understand what she’s saying and agree, I’m extremely grateful for them working hard for us, but it shuts me off from them. Every once in a while, I’ll try to talk to them about how I’m feeling, but I feel like it’s always futile. They took me to therapy almost a year ago, but after the sessions, she would always seem mad and disappointed in me. Also, I will definitely consider sending my friends letters, thanks for the suggestion!

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Thanks so much for responding! Unfortunately, I can’t use this computer to contact my friends since it blocked the schools email and I can’t access any social media handles, but I’m probably going to write letters. I really appreciate your response :slight_smile:

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I have been going outside with my skateboard for about a month now at night and it has really been extremely beneficial for me, almost addictive.

Oh, that’s awesome! Can totally understand how it feels. It’s different at night, when the world is sleeping. :heart:

I’m extremely grateful for them working hard for us, but it shuts me off from them.

Your intuition is right: your parents are not really listening or allowing you to express yourself. They don’t seem to be able to assume this role of listening and understanding. I’m sorry it’s like this. It should be different. And I hope this could be improved through communication, and with time.

Know that you can always come here when you need to talk or just get things off your chest. You’ll never be judged or ignored or anything like that. What you’re going through, whether it’s positive or negative, matters. And there’s no expectations except for you to do what makes you comfortable. :hrtlegolove:

Also, I will definitely consider sending my friends letters, thanks for the suggestion!

Awesome! A good old letter always gives a smile!

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