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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Alice in Chains Nutshell
I put on that fake fucking smile and go thru my day as a happy person and no one knows how much pain and I have gotten so good at hiding it.
That mask becomes so easy to hide behind when we donât want to show others our true inner pain. Sometimes we feel like we have to put on that happy mask for the sake of others, to not put burdens on them. Other times, we feel we need to mask to keep ourselves safe because we donât think people will be able to hold the depth of our pain. All of these reasons are valid. They are all self-protecting and self-preserving mechanisms. It would be incredibly vulnerable to show people the pain you carry, so you stuff it down. Maybe you donât even want to admit it to yourself the depth and weight of your struggles and torment.
Masks can only last for so long and it takes incredibe energy to hold them up. It feels like acting in a play- always putting on a happy character. For me, if I am going through something and not trying to show people, I will crash and melt into a puddle at the end of the day when that facade can finally fade. Not that the facade was an absolute fake, but that I didnât let myself feel my feelings as I was having them so then they all come crashing in when I am âsafeâ and alone.
It can be very overwhelming to feel tons of pain other people canât see. It feels like carrying a backpack weighted down by bricks and no one else is carrying feathers. They canât see whatâs in your bag so expect you to be running as fast as they are bounding and bouncing and skipping. Then, when you pretend to run and skip as quickly as they are-- it is not as free nor as easy to make such a leap. You make the moves but it costs you energy. The facade you hold up then takes an extra toll and you are both spending energy feeling the pain AND pretending to be happy- multiple outputs at once. Then you are exhausted from all this. You have gotten so good at hiding it that now that fake smile is the only reality you know.
YET
Here you are being honest and open and vulnerable about your pain. I commend you! Here is a space you donât have to pretend to be happy or like you have it all together. We are here to hear about it all-- all the messy, broken, and pain-filled things you are experiencing right now. We honor your pain and everything you are carrying in that backpack of bricks. We see you.
Keep on carrying on as cliche as it sounds⌠You are not alone. This was the first step to you being real and finding safe spaces to share some of your brokenness with others. I am so freaking proud of you for sharing your struggles with us and we are here if you want to speak more on your experiences! Thank you for reaching out to HeartSupport! We love you and are here for you <3
Masking and hiding behind a smile is a survival tactic, so we feel like we wonât be seen as weak or expose ourselves to possibly getting hurt. It sounds like you donât have a safe place or person to feel vulnerable with, to trust with your pain and hurt. It feels like youâre walking around with something obvious, like a monkey on your back, heavy and unmoving, making life difficult to move around in and enjoy. But you smile through it, cause itâs just a monkey, right? Nothing we canât handle. Just smile through it.
But why can no one see how fake your expression is? Why can no one tell that youâre in pain and youâre not okay, no matter how many times you say you are. âOf course Iâm not okay! Canât you see the monkey??â
For me, I find it more difficult to drop the smile once Iâve been dubbed âthe happy oneâ. âThe ray of sunshine.â âMiss Smiley.â, cause then the expectations have been set. Always smiling. Always cheerful. Iâve had customers come into my store and say to me, âYouâre just too damn happy,â when on the inside I know how I really feel. What I really think. Then I think Iâm just a liar. A deceiver. Nothing but an actor playing the wrong character in my own show. Iâm not the happy one, Iâm the one that needs support, the one that needs to cry and have someone hear me. I just need someone to say, âI know youâre not okay⌠but youâre going to be.â
Sometimes you donât have to smile, a forced one is never as pretty as a real one anyway. Iâve been learning to validate my feelings and let them âhave a turnâ once in a while. Let your angry face furrow, let your sadness tear up, then your smile can take a break and rest. Even if you donât have someone to talk to, even venting your emotions and feelings with art can help express thoughts and feelings deep down.
Donât feel like you have to invalidate yourself in order to keep up a facade, youâre a human being with a range of emotions and feelings, youâre allowed to experience them all!! And weâre here for you for it all! 
You are not alone. It may feel like you are, but I promise you, you are not. I have gone through similar experiences. When I was at my lowest I would go on autopilot. Get up, go to work or class, eat, go to bed. I would only do the things I desperately needed to do in the day, everything else was put to the wayside. I faked my happiness, but everyone saw that faked happiness as reality and considered it fact. I played the part of a functioning person when in actuality, I was drowning in my own self-loathing and depression. There are days, weeks even where this still happens. It wasnât until I started talking about it to those who I loved that I really started to see the light. Human connection is a virtue. Who we surround ourselves with can really make a difference in our lives. No one knows you are feeling this way until you confide in someone you trust. Once I started talking to people, I felt less alone, I felt seen, and I felt relieved. Speaking up about how you feel to the right people will open so many doors to healing, and that first door is just begging to be opened. With you bringing this to light with us, you are cracking that first door open already, and we are so happy youâre here, come in! You are seen, you are heard, you are loved.