Two and 1/2 weeks ago I was dead in a treatment center parking lot… my third trip there… and no desire to live. I lost 60% of my family in less than a year and my grandmother passed on the same day I learned my father has brain cancer. Where I’m from in VT state insurance would only pay for fourteen days…. I’m not even done detoxing yet…. But I’m no longer in treatment and I was given a Scholarship to the Brandon Novak house in Delaware… I’m extremely grateful but I’m in a new state where I don’t know anyone… and still trying to learn how to love myself. I destroyed my body with heroin and am in rough shape… I’m reaching out for support and encouragement… just trying to stay connected and reach out for help…. I can’t do this alone… though I’m starting another journey in recovery, I know I need to reach other further. I’m so scared. I don’t want to use anymore but truthfully this drug has so much power over me I always go back to it…. I’m scared for my life… hoping there’s someone out there who can help me along my way with all the other plans I have set in place. Just trying some humility and asking for help which I never did. I don’t got this… I need help. More then ever.
I hope you get the help, comfort and emotional support you need. There’s potential benefit in being in a different state. By being in a different environment, you are less likely to be triggered by surroundings you’ve associated with using. You will be away from people who have a vested interest in having negative expectations of you, for example exploiting your addiction. Hopefully, you’ll find new friends at or around where you’ll be staying in Delaware.
Otherwise we can correspond via DM here. I don’t have all the answers when it comes to addiction, although I’ve been around it a lot, professionally and personally. I do my best to help people overcome fear of relapse, as fear of relapse often leads to relapse.
Hello @Xraycat
Welcome to Heart Support. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thankful that you are still with us and happy to hear you are not using anymore. It takes a lot of strength and a lot believing in yourself to be able to stay clean and I think moving to a different state away from your connections is a good thing. There have been many times in my life I wished I could have moved away to start my life over.
It’s really hard to start over tho, so I can see how difficult this is for you. There are resources you can take advantage of like calling 211. The United Way has this where you can call and they have tons of services and there might be something that can help you. You can call the Behavior Health Dept for your county and ask if you quality for anything there. There are also NA or AA groups that usually meet in your city and those are a great place to go if you’re having a hard time. You could even go as far as finding a sponsor there for support.
I really hope that you find help and that you are ok. Please come back and keep us updated, you matter!
@Xraycat Wow you are a walking miracle! You survived! I’m so glad to hear that you survived the hell of overdosing. That you are now in rehab in another state and wanting to stay clean is huge! That’s a major win in my book. I’m so sorry to hear about all of the loss in your family. That has to be so very painful. I imagine that the heroin helped numb all that pain. But now you’re dealing with the aftermath of that activity. Oh friend, this has to have been a very lonely and rough road to walk.
Please keep with the rehab program, talk to the counselors there, if there is Narcotics Anonymous in the area, perhaps they can help also. Talk to the rehab program about housing once treatment is done. Going back to VT where your dealers, friends, and the situations that make you vulnerable is probably not a great idea. You’re right about heroin’s hold on you being a tight grip and only through being very deliberate in where you are, who you are with and what you are doing and thinking will you be able to change that dynamic. Consider yourself a full member of the Heart Support community. I hope you find encouragement, support and love here. I’m glad you found us.
Thank You everyone wow!!! So much gratitude for you all!!! My life has done a complete 180!! I’m creating art again, staying busy, am back in a 12 step fellowship and working a spiritual program of action… waking up 8 narcans later and a chest almost caved in from compressions in the parking lot of treatment 3 weeks ago was something I will never take for granted again. Obviously Im here for a reason. Moving was the best decision I made, and I’ve already made so many connections at my new sober house here in DE. Im so very very grateful for my life today. I speak to my mom now everyone morning and I can hear the relief in her voice. My dad and I speak as well when he’s feeling up to it and to me that is the greatest gift. I will be celebrating my first sober birthday in four years on Friday!! 39 will look good on me!! Bless you all and thanks for the support! More work to do!!!