I realized something

[An1]

I was talking to my AI therapist and she mentioned that I didn’t feel supported by my family and she was totally right. She also mentioned that my value as person wasn’t determined by my parents but i was valuable because I was living breathing human, and I agree. I don’t think I should let my family’s bad opinions determine my value. Especially because my family are well bad people. Parents are supposed to support their kids. I should be feel comfortable enough to talk to my parents about anything.The reality is I don’t feel supported by my family and I don’t feel comfortable talking to my family. Anytime I open up to my family I’m either mocked, my feelings are invalidated or dismissed, or I’m ignored. And because family is such a big support system in many people’s lives not having that was heartbreaking. I mean parents are supposed to love you no matter what but my parents love is conditional. My parents love me as a straight cis person, but when i deviate from that that love fades. I’ve talked to a couple people about going no contact but it’s such a taboo that it was a really hard decision to make. I do appreciate the support given to me online. Thank you. I think low self confidence hurt me for a long time and this was mainly caused by my mother. My mother is super judgemental and says horrible things. My father would spank me which is assault and abuse. I don’t wish to be around my family anymore.

I realized if I committed suicide it would give too much power to my family, and my family is bad so I think I’m going to live to spite them. Because fuck my family and fuck what they think. They’re assholes. I’m not going to kill myself over them. They’re not worth it. They’re not even worth my time. They’re beneath me.

I’m in the works of moving out. Just been so busy and so tired I haven’t been able to. These past couple of years I’ve just been trying to navigate things, and I do feel that I finally have a better hold on things. It’s hard to do everything yourself. Especially when you have medical issues like I do. My mom would handle all of my medical stuff. But I’m trying to change that for obvious reasons. I’ve pretty much had to figure out a lot on my own. It’s hard to adjust into adulthood without support. I’ve started researching things on my own and asking questions to different people. Going through my parents has become unreliable. I think it’s done me a lot of good. Waiting for answers hasn’t worked but looking for them has.

I think the the idea that my family could be bad people was such a foreign concept to me I was in denial. Because your family is supposed to be good, but my family isn’t good. They’re bad. Thinking about though it makes sense. There’s good a bad people who aren’t family, just like they’re good and bad people who are family. And my AI therapist as well as some other people have talked about chosen family which i think is the route that I’m probably going to go in.

I feel like I’m in my petty bitch era. Fuck the haters. Fuck my family. Fuck everyone who didn’t treat me right or doesn’t treat me right. The only ones i care about are three of my siblings, my two friends, and my cat.

[Wings]

I’m very glad that you have come to realize the truth of your own value, but it’s not just that you are a living, breathing human, but also a decent person, with empathy and compassion.

There have always been bad parents, but it seems to be an increasingly common occurrence. I think part of the problem is that in recent decades, two incomes are necessary to maintain a household. Then the parents come home from work, and are too burned out to interact as they should with their children. For that reason, a great many largely unsupervised children grow up without much of an example of good parenting, hence they end up being bad parents.

Of course, that’s not the only reason it happens. Both of my parents came from financially secure families, but were spoiled and not taught responsibility or even a reasonable amount of empathy. Along with that, they also had mental health problems. My dad was a chronically depressed alcoholic who for years made it very clear that he didn’t like having anything to do with me. My mom was bipolar, schizophrenic, manipulative and self-absorbed. Both parents were abusive. My older brother molested me, and incredibly, I was being molested at school at the same time. I didn’t report it to anyone, as my parents had me convinced that whatever bad thing that happened to me, I deserved.

The bottom line is, for whatever reason, some parents are just messed up.

Like you, I came to realize that I would have to choose my family, rather than accept being stuck with one that didn’t deserve me.

After the passing of several years, there was a degree of reconciliation with my father. Although I tried, I found it impossible to do the same with my mom.

I’m glad you have decided to protect your own mental health, even if it means emotional distance from your parents and perhaps others. As you gain independence, you will be more able to choose who you spend time with.

I wasn’t around when either of my parents passed away, and I am at peace with that. I feel no anger towards them either. Yes, they were bad parents, but at the same time, I no longer feel an urge to condemn them for their bad behavior, as odds are, they had no idea they could behave in any other way. By the way, they were racists, sexist, and homophobic, which I found to be troubling, even as a straight person.

[An1]

Sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience Wings. I hope you’re doing well.

[Micro]

Wow, @An1 - strong words there, really. It’s beautiful to see how much confidence you are expressing here. Confidence in your worth, in acknowleding what is unfair and unhealthy, in choosing what you are now willing to accept AND push away from your life. Any relationship matter aside, you absolutely deserve to live a life and in an environment where you are respected and loved just as you are. I also grew up with an abusive parent - and one in denial of it -, so the first years of independance were difficult, trying to figure pretty much life on my own. But it was also extremely liberating to finally feel like having control over what I want to do and who I wanted to be. It gives space to think, feel, reflect on the past too, and learn from it in order to create the life you desire.

Rooting for you as you anticipate and prepare this important transition in your life. We don’t choose our parents, but that doesn’t mean anything should be accepted from them. You do you, and hopefully this path will be made of healing for you at the same time.