I love you all and I’m not even sure if this is the right place to say this. I just have a lot of hurt and a lot of questions and I do not know what to do with it. I am so thankful for those of you who have been there for me. I hope I can give more of my heart. I am 24 and I am gay. I have been praying for a long time that hopefully I wouldn’t be.I have had a lot of friends who are LGBT and a lot of friends who are very christian. I feel like I have let only parts of myself out. God and family is my life and I feel like I’m being ungrateful. I wish I could just be straight. I’ve said years that Gods goodness is enough for me. Do I believe that if I want someone, if I dont want to just be single all my life and im tired of forcing myself to be straight.
for 10+ years Ive subjected my self to so much male on female pornography. So much straight things and I told myself if I could get into the heterosexual head space I would be ok. I would not be broken or tarnished and gosh I just wanna fucking cry, God. It is hurting my dad to see me be more outwardly gay , I was sexually abused by a baby sitter . I finally admitted to myself I may like men because my best friend of 15 years raped me on my 21st birthday and he was my first love. We just both could not face who we liked. My parents are very Catholic I think my dad still feel like this is all me Fd up in the head. and that suuucks. Im very catholic. I feel like Im being selfish, Im hurting my family and abondoning God, I dont want to fucking do this. My priorities in life have always been God first, Family second, me third. I am being selfish, Im going to counseling, taking medication and I feel like im finally working on this part of me that has felt empty. But i feel like I am saying F you to God and to scripture. I want to love but there so much hurt and anger and I feel like im being so damn selfish