This is a topic from YOUTUBE. Reply as normal, and we will post it to the user on YouTube.
Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Wrong Side of Heaven by Five Finger Death Punch
I really hoped I wouldn’t see this one come across, but here we are. This one hit so hard. I’m a US Marine vet, never deployed as I was married with children when I enlisted at age 22 back in 2008. My PTSD stems from not being able to mobilize and fulfill a tour of duty, meanwhile my boot camp bunkmate was taken from his mother at age 18 by an IED. The guilt I have had to navigate for never getting deployed has been a challenge I can barely explain. Every year on 9/11 and 11/10 (Marine Corps Birthday) its a struggle to not spiral out into oblivion. “Had I been there would Gomez been able to see him mom again?”
“I would have seen that IED a mile away, stuffed in a dead camel in the middle of a highly used military road.”
“How many lives could have and would have been saved if I was allowed to serve In Country?”
I knew too many who never made it home from Iraq and Afghanistan, too many I could have been there for walking and fighting through Hell.
You enlisted, went through bootcamp, and served. You have nothing to feel bad about. You should be proud. May I please suggest dialing 988 and then typing 1 to get veteran support when you are struggling?
Well still thanks for enlisting what you did without people like you and this experience is definitely still important but you should also be proud of what you done. Definitely the memories of the things happen during war and what happened during those times is probably hard to see who lost there lives during that war. It easy to fall under the regret but you can’t really change but how can you still help them. It definitely a hard battle even in the mind and helping still may be important
to others who impact through the lost but we are here for those who need support.
What you’re describing sounds like true torture. The bullet of life missed you and hit your friend and so many others. Its hard not to wonder “why not me”. Its hard not to blame yourself. Of course you know you aren’t to blame. You didn’t kill your friend. But part of you doesn’t want to believe that, and its the nagging part that just won’t shut up. Being on this side of it and getting a chance to live your life when so many others didn’t get that chance must weigh on you. I know its a cliche, but living your life is one way of paying tribute to your friend. Sharing your story and your life with others is another way. Thank you for sharing here.
Thank you for sharing what you’re grappling with. While I may not have served myself I have friends who have spent most of their lives in the military. Some of which have made the ultimate sacrifice…the true heroes of our nation.
I know some who have also survived…and know that survivors guilt is a very real thing. It’s the kind of regret that rips our heart from the inside out. Always thinking back to what could have been.
After I lost my grand parents, a couple of friend, met a guy who was a quadrapolegic from an accident that was similar to mine, but I was able bodied… I drowned in that kind of regret for a long time until something inside of me clicked…
I didn’t want to suffer and feel that pain, but I felt like I had no right to be happy when all that pain that those I loved had gone through caused them to prematurely leave this earth.
Do you think Gomez would dap you up for regretting this, or do you think he’d tell you to knock it off and fullfill your life with unrelenting grunt fury? These are the kind of questions I had to ask myself and realized the ones I cared about would probably smile in admiration if I turned that pain into love and service for others… that’s why I’m here with HeartSupport. See, I’m lucky. Other’s aren’t so fortunate and I figured it was up to me to make sure that those who didn’t have the chance, the family, the opportunities like I do… So I’ve taken my pain and here I am… writing this to you out of love.
Think of all the lives of those who served and deployed that are back home, but struggling. Many of them struggling in silence. Many of them struggling so bad they’re on the streets. Those brothers and sisters need the strength of someone who knows what it’s like to get shit off their chest. To talk with someone who knows what it’s like. They need their battle buddies in the gym with them, in groups with them, in late night conversations about the shit they’ve seen and they shit they have to deal with.
It’s like a greek tragedy of sorts in the sense that we cannot determine our fate, that you were for some reason pulled back to experience this darkness of not deploying and being their with your bunk mate to serve a different or even a high purpose. People need you. People need to know your story and to tell you theirs.
I’m proud of you for opening up because this is what true strength looks like.