Things were going a little better, I got a therapist, and she’s cool, but I was smoking a lot and drinking a little (I’m 15). My mom walked in on my smoking and went off, and I was just trying to tell her it was helping me calm down, and she didn’t care which I don’t blame her. I got my candles taken away, and I’m allowed to talk to my bf as long as I’m done with all my school work, and it’s after school hours before 10. I appreciate that. But I still just wanna kill myself, I’ve been going through some shit that started last year. And I don’t know I wish I was just like every other 15-year-old girl I know, then I might be happier. I could just kill myself, and I wouldn’t be stressed, or worried about anything anymore. I feel like an awful person for wanting to die even though I’ve got a roof over my head and food to eat. I don’t know… I’ve been wanting to starve myself again, but I’m not sure if I should, because after me getting caught smoking my mom might think I’m looking for pity which is the last thing I want. When my parents found out about me cutting myself, my mom told me im just looking for attention, but my dad knew that wasnt the case since I was hiding it for months. My dad called my mom an asshole and I knew I’m officially the thing that ruined my families relationships with each other, and with me.
hey, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know what it is like to have a mom who Is not understanding of mental health what so ever. I am glad you have a therapist and im glad your dad realizes your moms faults. Do not think you are tearing your family apart for your moms wrong actions. Also starving yourself will only make things worse friend. When I was in my biggest depression, I did not eat much and it made me lots more misserable. Eating right can make all the difference in helping. I understand the wishing you were “normal” or “like other teenagers” I wish that sometimes too. But just because we struggle does not make us abnormal. TONS of people struggle. That’s okay. Our rainy days give us love for the sun. If you are suicidal & are in danger of yourself please let your therapist know or call a help line. Your life is so valuable. Please stay. The world is better with you here. Hold fast.
The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zxwtC5FxMZkMkjHYyCw3h14UvSZSlfg2/view?usp=sharing, hold fast friend!
-Morgan
Hey @brokenglass,
Thank you so much for being here and sharing all of this. 
It sounds that you’re going through a lot these days and you did the right thing by sharing your heart here.
Things were going a little better, I got a therapist, and she’s cool,
Hey, proud of you for seeing a therapist. I’m also really glad that you appreciate her and seem to find a positive connection with that person. It can be super intimidating to talk to a therapist, but you’re doing it and that is something you can be proud of. Unfortunately, seeing a therapist doesn’t solve everything instantly and you’ll keep going through seasons when life feels quite overwhelming, but it’s important to keep seeing your therapist, especially in times when you feel more vulnerable. As you’ve mentioned suicidal thoughts in your post, but also other thoughts (such as with food), I’d like to strongly encourage you to talk to your therapist about these. They’ll listen, understand, and work with you on finding healthier ways to cope with your current emotions, on making sure that you stay safe. It can be a little bit intimidating to talk about that kind of thought, even to a therapist, but that’s what their job is for. To give support, especially during our darkest times.
When my parents found out about me cutting myself, my mom told me im just looking for attention, but my dad knew that wasn’t the case since I was hiding it for months. My dad called my mom an asshole and I knew I’m officially the thing that ruined my families relationships with each other, and with me.
I’m sorry that happened. It sounds that your mom believes in a common stigma, which invalidates your own feelings. It really hurts when someone so close to you doesn’t seem to understand what you’re going through… Unfortunately, many people need to educate themselves about self-harm, but also mental health in general. In a world where people understood a little more, listened a little more, and judged a little less, it would be a lot easier to talk about mental health. I hope that, in the future, your own experience will be a way for your mom to learn and educate herself, so she could support you in a better way.
The fact that your dad and your mom had an argument about that isn’t your fault, friend. It’s not because it was about you that you would be causing troubles in your family. Sometimes, even between people who love each other, there are arguments. In some circumstances, it can be healthy, sometimes not, but in any case their reactions belong to them and is their own responsibility. It’s really, really not your fault.
And I don’t know I wish I was just like every other 15-year-old girl I know, then I might be happier. I could just kill myself, and I wouldn’t be stressed, or worried about anything anymore. I feel like an awful person for wanting to die even though I’ve got a roof over my head and food to eat.
I understand the guilt that comes along with having those thoughts. A little bit like: “some people have so much worse than me, so I shouldn’t feel that way”. How you feel makes sense, friend. This desire to be at peace when you feel overwhelmed and sad, that is something I relate to, as someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts as well. And there is something important in what you said. Those thoughts are not about you willing to disappear. It’s about the need for your pain to be lessened, for your worries to give you a break. With this desire in mnd, disappearing can seem like a valid option, and even the only one possible, but the combination “life + peace” is not impossible. It just takes time, learning, a certain amount of support, love, and grace. That’s why it’s so important to talk about it to your therapist. They will give you a type of support and tools that will be very valuable in your situation.
You are in pain and it makes sense to look after relief, any kind of relief: cigarettes, self-harm, alcohol, starving yourself, suicidal thoughts. It makes sense for your mind, for your heart, to look after something that would make you feel a little better as quickly as possible. It’s like being in need of a direction, of goals to aim for so at least we could accept that this pain is part of the journey and will be gone one day.
You are worth the efforts it takes to not let yourself cope in ways that would be damaging for you in the long run. You are worth the efforts it takes to learn to manage those emotions that make you feel lost right now. You are alive, friend. There is, in this air that you are breathing, the potential for things to get better. Keep reaching out, keep talking to your therapist, keep sharing your heart here as much as you need. It may feel uneffective right now, but creating a new path in our life can take time. Healing takes time. The good news is that you’re not alone during that process.
We believe in you.
PS - I’d like to encourage you to check on the resources that Heartsupport have, especially workbooks. There is one called “Dwarf Planet” that is focused on depression, and another one called “ReWrite”, focused on self-harm. I stronlgy believe that you could find a lot of value in those books. ReWrite is also a very good resource for family and friends to help them understand what is self-harm and how to support someone who struggles with it. Maybe this could be a way for your parents and you to enage in a different kind of connection? One that would be motivated by love, mutual understanding, and peace.
Hey girl,
My name is Sarah. I was in the video that Morgan sent. Just wanted to check in. How are things going?
things are kinda weird
Yeah? How so? I’m open to listen
idk ive just felt really suicidal like every day for months now and it just doesnt feel good
What’s been going through your head when you get those thoughts?
just like guilt or somthing i think, im not really sure its just ive been cutting again after being like a month clean, and idk
What do you need most right now?
i dont know, right now i really just wanna cut myself
I can tell you from experience that while it may feel good in the short term, it will not benefit you in any way in the long term. You deserve more than the hurt
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