I’m not sure if I will even post this, but if i do, well, hello.
It’s… it’s weird, to say the least. I’m in a lot of pain, mentally, but also super fucking bored of everything. I have huge troubles recognising my feelings, when their not sadness or anxiety. But I’d label it with emptiness, if I had to.
I’ve fallen back into the cycle of self harm and cutting, that it’s gotten to the point where I need to do it at least every two days, when the old wounds have started healing up a little. I’ve been there before, but every time i look at my wrist, I can’t help but to stare and think of just…doing it. Just slitting it open and wait until i maybe die. But I’m too much of a coward to do it. There’s been multiple occasions where I acted on impulse and was just moments away from ending my life once and for all. I’m too scared though. Too scared of the pain, because I’m very sensitive to it. Too scared of potential failure and the aftermath.
There was a time where I couldn’t bear to look at my arms, because the urge to just self harm was so strong.
But that’s all only slightly relevant; There is not a day I don’t think about potential possibilities to kill myself. It’s like a default setting in my head, by now. I’ve debated if i should stash up on pills. Knowing myself I won’t just yet, but I’m still considering.
Sigh, I don’t know. I’m just lost, tired and don’t know where to, with myself.
Hi there @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease I know that being alive is a really difficult thing, and it sucks sometimes and I also know how it feels to self harm, I’ve struggled with it for years. If you can, try to go and see a counselor or therapist, I know it’s a hard thing to do, I’ve been there, but it really helps having someone that is trained to help you no matter what. I’m really proud of you for realizing that there’s a problem, that’s not easy to do. Please remember that you’re never alone and there’s always hope at the end of the tunnel, even the darkest ones. There’s always time to change and don’t ever feel like you’re stuck in this dark place. Hold fast, I believe in you. You mean the absolute world to me and I’m so happy that I can share time on this Earth with you.
When I was younger, there was a time where I also felt empty. I felt like the only way to feel something was by cutting myself. I was in school and I participated in sports, but nobody there really liked me and everyone wanted to see me fail, so I was pretty miserable to say the least. I think it may be difficult for you to express how you are feeling because it is incredibly difficult to explain to people what emptiness feels like. It’s like describing color to someone who was born blind, or describing sound to someone who was born deaf. Where do you even begin?
I would like you to try to focus on all your reasons for not ending it. Your parents? Your friends? When you read the word “friend” was there someone that came to mind? What about any of your pets? This is something that helped me tremendously, but my advice is to take a notecard or a sticky note or whatever you have at your disposal, and write down everyone that matters to you. Write down anything and everything that makes you happy. Write down everyone that you matter to. Everyone who would be sad if you weren’t around anymore. Now you have a card with a list of reasons to stick around that you can look at every day to remind yourself. Whenever it gets hard, whenever it gets difficult, whenever you’re having a really rough time with life, look at your card.
Also, keep making posts here on the support wall. We all want to hear how you are doing, all the highs and the lows. You are part of this community and there are people here who care about you and want to see you thrive.
There’s a song lyric that goes “suicide doesn’t end the pain, it passes to the ones we love and remains. Take yourself out of the equation, and the problem stays.” There are times when suicide seems like the answer, when it seems like suicide is the only way to move forward and it seems like suicide is the best course of action, but I promise you it isn’t. I clicked on your name and your profile says you’re 15, which means that you literally have your entire life ahead of you. You have what seems like an eternity to live your life, to laugh and to love and to be loved. You have so much more to live for than what you may know now.
Before you ever consider following through with something like that please consider calling this number: 800-273-8255. That number is for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year there is someone there waiting for you to call them because they want to help. You can talk as much as you want for as long as you want, you can tell them as little about you as want or you can tell them all about you. If you’re not from the US, here is a list where you can find your country and the number that works for you.
In all honesty, I have one reason. One reason to stay and that’s my best friend. We have a deep connection, I’d say. As long as I have her, I can hang on. And in a way, I think the same goes for her. As long as we have each other, we just might be okay. I’m not stuck with the belief no one would care. I know people would. My parents would. While we have a complicated relationship, I know they love me. And I love them.
I always try my best to be strong and to keep on going. For the people I love. And I know, if I can work up the courage to keep going, I might just get through this. But it’s all getting tiring. It’s exhausting. And I just want to get away from it all.
Does this make sense? I’m tired, so this might as well just not make any sense.
im sitting here reading this over and over and im trying to put this in words that make sense and struggling so i apologize. don’t give up life is hard. its called life because of the ups and down’s that you “live” if it was all good it wouldn’t be life and kinda boring. try and find something that makes you happy everyday. ( a drawing, looking out the window and seeing something birds etc) hopefully this helps you. but therapy is also important. But its my first post and felt like you needed to be reached out to.