I think I’m a month clean, maybe 3 weeks, possibly more. I gave up counting since I had no more hope in myself. I used to want to want scars as a symbol of my pain and to destroy myself. I hate them, I feel so self conscious about the visible ones. Sometimes I still crave the sting, the burn, the bleeding, the mess, the ache afterwards, the puffy redness and how it’s hot to the touch. But, even though I still don’t feel the greatest, I’ve found ways to cope:
- Cleaning - oddly enough I find it calming. I think it’s because it gives me a sense of reliability or that I’m not useless (ie. I can do things on my own, etc.) I’m slightly germophobic, too, so I’m sure the cleaning helps. Although, I hate cleaning the bathroom.
- Music - both playing and listening. I started an instrument in July and I’ve been teaching myself how to play the music and whatnot on my bedroom floor. I’m playing along in class, so I’m quite proud of myself.
Just some other things I’d like to boast about:
- I’ve been eating healthier/more balanced. I like to eat lemons so I’ve been having more salad with it.
- I’ve been getting to bed earlier.
- I’ll be switching back to homeschooling
- I could be getting a puppy (I had a PowerPoint prepared but didn’t have to use it).
I can’t think of anything else. I’m in a good mood right now. Hopefully I’ll be able to enjoy it a bit before I inevitably crash and burn again. I have no hope in myself but I’m still alive so I guess it’s not the worst it could be.
8 Likes
It sounds like you are doing great and choosing healthy ways to cope, that’s so awesome. I’m so proud of you!
2 Likes
Hey wren, finding other coping skills is a huge step and it’s not always the easiest. I am so proud of the steps you’re taking and the acknowledgement of what you find calming and helpful!
I also hate cleaning the bathroom, but the cleanliness of it is the best feeling.
You taught yourself to play an instrument? That’s so amazing and skilful! Not an easy feat, but you did that! So heck yeah I’m also proud of you and you definitely should be too!
I know some days get heavier than others, and sometimes we take a side step (I never like to call it a step back, because we have to acknowledge our progress), but the fact that you’re still here and still doing these changes is something to celebrate!
3 Likes
Hey @wren_wyn !
Thanks for opening up to us. It can be difficult to resist those types of urges but it sounds like you’re finding healthier ways to cope. Cleaning and Music are both helpful for me as well. Everything you’ve listed here sounds like good progress towards more balanced self care! Congrats.
You’ve reminded me that I can bust out the instruments I was trying to learn to help cope and distract myself, thank you for that!
3 Likes
Hey again wren_wyn! I’m so glad that you are doing well and that you’ve been clean for so long 
It sounds like you’ve found some great ways to cope with your feelings and hopefully if you get that puppy it’ll help you even more! Having an adorable fluffball to play with and pet can be so helpful when things become overwhelming.
I also enjoy cleaning and agree that the bathroom isn’t as fun to clean but that feeling of knowing you are taking a shower in a freshly scrubbed tub/shower is one of the best feelings in my opinion haha. lemon-y salads some great! My mom has an amazing dressing recipe that uses lemon juice. If you’d like me to I can ask her for it and share it with you 
I hope that your good mood continues and that your progress only gets better and your resolve stronger. You’ve got this!!!
3 Likes
Thank you everyone.
@Mystrose - Thank you. It’s been difficult for a long while so it’s nice to get a break sometimes. I’m not open about my self harming with the people in my life for obvious reasons so it feels good to be able to talk about how I seem to be getting better (hopefully).
@ManekiNeko - For the first few months, I was trying to learn the music on my own without knowing how to actually read the music. I would write the note underneath it. I had joined band at school so that was my main motivation. I didn’t want to be left behind. So I ended up teaching myself parts of the 3 pieces of music. I do attend lessons now, but we mostly work on basic skills and things like that, not the music since I can learn it on my own through practice.
Oh, and I like “side stepping” instead of “step back.” I’ll try and keep that in mind.
@teknicolourful - Ah, I’m glad I could help in some way. Music is oddly therapeutic (at least for me). Being able to focus on trying to learn music and then being able to play it, or listening to music is fun. The way I see it, you really have nothing to lose regarding learning an instrument. It’s something that can be learned and it’ll always get better with practice.
@DustintheWind - I’m allowed to get a puppy but it relies on if I can find one I like. Pets are good for things like depression and anxiety based off of what I researched, so I’m hoping that getting one will help. Not to say that my only desire for a puppy is for my mental health. I think they’re cute, especially long haired Chihuahuas.
If you can get the dressing recipe then sure! And thank you in advance if you can. And also for the offer, ahah. On a side note, I have a problem with eating plain salad since I don’t like the way it tastes which is why I hide it in things like sandwiches.
4 Likes
Hey there! So sorry this took so long. My mom couldn’t find the recipe for ages. But as promised here it is:
.
She also recommended that adding the dressing to whatever salad ahead of time and letting it marinate into the salad makes it taste even better.
I hope you had a great New Year’s and I hope that things are still going okay for you. If you try the dressing please let me know what you think 
No need to apologize, the holidays have been busy anyways.
Thank you again : )
I’ll try it when I can but I’m unsure of what cheese we have. Life has been a little rough but I’m hoping the new year will bring positive change.
I’m sorry things have been a little rough but indeed hopefully the new year brings promise.
And the salad itself is definitely tasty but that dressing is amazing on any salad you make. It was the main lemon-y thing I wanted to share with you 
1 Like
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long but I finally tried it. It was really good! Although, I made a somewhat frugal version of it. Box salad instead of lettuce and sesame oil since I couldn’t find the vegetable oil. We also don’t have cheese for some reason. I didn’t put almonds on it because I’d die otherwise. I’m allergic to nuts, ahah. Nevertheless, it tasted great, I enjoyed it very much. It masked the salad taste which delightfully surprised me (it’s so bitter without any dressing). Thank you again to both you and your mother.
