I relapsed 7 days ago

Hey everyone
So I have not been doing alright… I relapsed 7 days ago… I had a bottle of prescription pills and they weren’t mine… and so I just have been struggling a lot so I just started taking them pill after pill after pill after pill after pill. They were expired so it didn’t do anything to me… So basically I relapsed 7 times to the pills. I was really addicted to them. Each time I relapsed to the pills I felt so much better. But I knew each time I popped the pills I was slowly killing myself. So each time I called up my sponsor she knew I wasn’t myself. I had to make up an exscuse… so I finally had to come clean and tell her the truth… so she made me give up the pills so now I’m 7 days now… and so now it’s just the withdrawals that I’m having… and I’m just going through a hard time right now… I miss popping pill after pill after pill. I felt so much better each time I took them. But now it’s the start for me all over again… I just hope I don’t relapse again. So it’s just really hard for me now. I’ve already lost two friends that I was getting to know and so it’s just really hard right now… My sponsor is helping me get through this but I just have to be truthful with her. I just don’t want to end up in rehab If I took 6 more that would’ve been 600 MG so I maxed it out enough to 450… but I’ve been going through enough already… The OD for those pills are 750 MG so I’m just… lucky to be here today and alive. My sponsor knows now that I took that much up to 450 MG… she told me to not do it again… so I just hope to… if it happens again well I just start over again the whole recovery

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Hey @Anonymous2020

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this here with us. Know that recovery is not a linear process and although you relapsed it does not mean you can’t start again. You are already 7 days clean from when you relapsed which is important to recognize! As hard as it was to do, I am so glad you not only reached out to your sponsor, but were open and honest with her too. That takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to do. The fact that you know what a danger to your health these pills are despite how good you may feel when you take them is evident that you are capable of fighting this and staying on the path to recovery. Remember you are not your struggles and so when you fee like you might be wanting to relapse, look back and see how far you’ve come. You’ve put in all the work yourself up to this point. You’ve reached out for support and help for yourself. You are helping and caring for your health both physically and mentally and that is such a wonderful and important journey to be on. One that I know this entire community believes you will find great healing and growth on.

Hold Fast,

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I have a few questions for you. What did you do differently 7 days ago then you did when you were first in your addiction? Not knowing how long it was and not knowing you I would guess you’ve been at least a year or two sober? If I am wrong you can correct me. Think about how you were back then; lying, stealing, the constant paranoia of being found out, and then you hit the bottom.

What is different now? You didn’t hit the bottom, you readjusted. You caught yourself and let your sponsor help you before you fell in deeper. You saw a thing you needed to change, you had the courage to change it, and now comes the wisdom.

You may miss the pill. But think about what you would have missed if you continued. Which is better? The pill? or The wisdom?

Well, first off I used to do a mix of drugs and alcohol back in High School which was in 2007-8 then when I graduated in 2009 I continued to be addicted to the over the counter drugs in Jr.College. Then when I dropped out… I stopped. And then in 2018 it all started up again I tried to kill myself with drugs. So then last year I got addicted to pain pills and I kept popping pill after pill until I lost my hearing for a day… then it stopped and then I switched to the whole self-harm stuff… and then this year I was going through a rough patch so I turned to the using drugs… I stashed my own drugs and took them when I could. And then I relapsed the first time in the beginning of January the the second time January 11. The I got clean 30 days later and then I lost two friends and I was betrayed by some friends so things got really bad for me so I turned to the using prescription drugs again and I relapsed 7 more times to prescription drugs and it added up to 450 MG they were expired pills so it did me no good but I was addicted to the pills so I kept popping pill after pill after pill and each time I called up my sponsor she noticed something off about me… so I had to come clean with her and tell her I was relapsing again. So it’s the start for me all over again. If I took 6 more of those expired pills… well it would be close to 600 MG… the max OD is 750 MG so I did enough… but I was struggling so much.

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