I relapsed but... It's okay

Hey guys. I’m sorry that this is going to be a little long but I feel like I need to be honest with you all.

I know that I haven’t been overly active here on the support wall for a while, but I’ve needed to take a little bit of time to myself becuase I’ve been struggling. I’m soon getting 60 days clean from prescription pills and drugs and attended my first face to face Narcotics Anonymous meeting this week. Whilst I’m happy that the cravings are getting less frequent, with this comes an even bigger battle.

Most of you know I’ve struggled with cutting for most of my life, and as a result of fighting to control my using, my addiction is now playing out in so many other ways including through my self harm and suicidal thoughts. The obsession with blades and sharp objects has been getting worse the longer I abstain, manifesting into dreams of myself harming and images I can only describe as a film being played in my head. My addiction knew it wasn’t going to get drugs, but it knew I was still on the verge of cutting, and in the end, I gave in and relapsed.

Before this, I had spent days arguing with the people who love me about giving up on my recovery, planning to go and get high and start hiding blades in my room again. I got to a point where I was sat with around 100 codeine pills (maybe a few more) infront of me with a knife on my desk. It took 4 people to talk me down and get me into a safer situation because I just couldn’t listen and didn’t care what affect that would have on those people. I phoned in sick to work, telling my manager that I was unwell with a migraine (I don’t suffer with migraines) when in reality, I just couldn’t get myself out of bed because I was depressed, but I didn’t want to admit it, KNOWING I could potentially lose my job by doing this.

Yes, I’m ashamed of the whole situation but I feel like this relapse had to happen for me to realise that I do really want my recovery, and that if I carry on down this path, I will end up back at square one and potentially doing a great deal of damage to myself and/or even killing myself. This last few weeks has taught me that I need to start working closer with the people in my inner circle, and to start trusting them, doing the things they say when I’m in a position of being unable to control my own thoughts because I KNOW they want the best for me. This isn’t to say my recovery is going to be smooth from now, and I accept I may still fall into relapses. It does however mean that I have more of a chance at being able to prevent them and keep progressing.

Just because an addict has X amount of days/weeks/months clean, doesn’t mean their recovery is all smooth sailing. Addiction will manifest in so many different ways, including ways that you didn’t even know were a problem for you/that person. It will get to a point where going on feels impossible, but IT DOESN’T LAST. Keep fighting through those feelings USE THE COMMUNITY. Use the people in your inner circles, if you don’t have one, start reaching out. “Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle” < this is something my sponsor has told me MANY times and it wasn’t until today that I really took that in.

This whole post was super difficult to make, and honestly, I’ve been crying the entire time I’ve been typing it, but if this helps even 1 person to see even a little bit of light in whatever darkness they’re dealing with right now - it’s completely worth it. I’ve spent nearly 13 years self harming, and 6 years abusing drugs, survived many suicide attempts, whilst still living with my abusive family. I KNOW it sucks right now, but if I can do this, so can you. Keep pushing forward, you’re not alone.

Hold Fast.


Love you, @Kayla Can’t say much more right now, but I know this was hard to post, and all you wrote here resonates with me. Hold Fast, you are loved no matter what.


Thank you for your bravery in sharing about what’s going on in your life. For your honesty and allowing your story, your struggles, your life, to be used to encourage someone else. I always say that God can use our struggles for His glory. This is an example of that. You baring everything in order to help someone else. You are amazing! Stay strong.

I am so, so proud of you Kayla. You are strong, and as long as you know in your mind who you are, you know you can do this. We believe in you.