I think the title says it all. I cut and screwed up.
The last few days have been rough. I’ve felt more unloved and discouraged than I ever have. Even though I know I am loved… I can’t shake these thoughts, amoungst others, including the thoughts of wanting to die… I was trying to hold on until Tuesday where I normally have therapy because my therapist was away this week… However, to find out she won’t be back next week, really hit me… With my abusive family, it’s the only place I have to actually verbalise what’s going on and try to understand and explore my feelings with someone healthy to ground me if I get too overwhelmed in the process because its all still so new to me… i realised that even if I do get to leave home, I’m never going to get away from the abuse of my family, it’ll just follow me everywhere.
I was supposed to be 1 month clean… But now I’m back to not even an hour. What does that say about me really? I’m not strong enough to get clean from both my self harm AND drugs… I’ve managed the drugs, but, it seems that self harm is proving much, much harder.
You are correct. Family abuse will follow you like a drunken sailor as long as you continue to hitch your star to their wagons! Cut bait and run. Sense when do we honor sloths and say and do what feels good regardless of harm? We certainly shouldn’t should we love? It is a conditioned response to inner turmoil that we/you are in an infancy stage of knowing how to internalize and personilze. Fight or flight wether good or bad much like an unruly child admiring and relishing abusive Mummy. Cut the cancer out and be free from piggish people that you allow to harm you repeatedly. I don’t give a flying fuck what hiarchy they "feel"entitled to. You are now the master of your soul and the gatekeeper of pain. Tread lightly be kind to yourself and know Rome wasn’t built in a day but certainly Nero fiddled as Rome burnt. I’m so very sorry you cut. I knew that comfort quite well. It only takes the faith as small as a mustard seed to start change. What do you think the little girl inside of you is screaming? Seek mindful answers without action, that is very hard to do in the beginning but so attainable. If you dont love each cut after the previous has to be slightly deeper and longer. Outcome…shit show of epic proportions. I wish I could give you knowledge of self but this road is yours to travel but never alone but always with kindness.
Kayla, you aren’t letting anyone down. I recently relapsed as you know. After not doing it for years. We are human and we slip sometimes. The next step you can take to help yourself is throw away any tools you have to harm yourself.
I know that sometimes we can’t have access to our therapists and the people we need but there are hotlines out there that you can reach out to, to talk to someone when you are in need.
You are loved my friend. You are not a let down. You had a minor fall, but now you are going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Be strong my sweet friend. A relapse doesn’t have to be forever. You can recover from this!
Do what you need to thrive, to get better and to move forward. Find healthy things to turn to. I know you can do this. You are stronger than you credit yourself.