I feel so ashamed and scared writing this, but you deserve to know.
I found out that my rep at work is leaving (her name is Faith). Faith has fought so hard to help me stay in my job due to my level of absence with mental illnesses. She has supported me both with work issues and with my personal struggles like self harm, addiction and dealing with the abuse at home. We don’t get to see each other much outside of work because she’s always so busy, so when she leaves, I’m not sure if we are going to have time to chat. I’m so scared of what’s going to happen, because it’s only thanks to her I haven’t lost my job - if I have another day off in the next 8-12 months, I’m going to end up losing my job if she isn’t there to help negotiate with my managers… I’m losing one of the biggest support systems I have here around me… When I found that out, I relapsed in my self-harm I had been doing so well with replacing the blade with prayer, but this time I didn’t even think, I just saw the blade and went for it… It was if I wasn’t even in control. I harmed twice in the last week. I told my NA sponsor I would work on a safety plan with the people in my support circle… There’s just so much going on right now that I don’t know how I’m going to get back out of the self-harm cycle.
I don’t even know if it’s worth it right now…
I’m sorry Kayla. It sounds really difficult to have someone who fights for you at your workplace to be leaving, and to be honest I don’t think anyone would blame you for going back to old habits. That sounds like it really sucks, and I’m sorry to hear about it.
When I didn’t get the job I was really fighting for in late August, I felt like I lost myself in a way as well and didn’t feel like I could keep going where I am now, and I felt like all hope was lost and that God didn’t value my life or my happiness anymore. I felt like I was a hollow shell put here to do nothing but his work and be miserable. But here I am in October still going, and it certainly hasn’t been perfect but I’m learning to look for strength and happiness in other areas of my life. It’s a bumpy road to feel like God or the universe or whatever you believe in is leaving you in the dust, but I believe that you’re in this position and that there is a lesson to be learned here. I hope you are able to find solace in the fact that you are in the position you’re in right now to learn how to navigate it and ultimately become stronger for it. You say you don’t even know if it’s worth it right now, I believe it is because whatever you are able to take away from your current situation, no matter how difficult it is, is going to make you stronger in the long run.
You know your support circle, utilize it and you will get through this. I believe in you Kayla, hold fast.
I love you Kayla.
I’m really sorry that Faith is leaving your work place. That really sucks. I know that sometimes when life is busy and full of so many things taking our time and energy that it can be really hard to keep up with people. But maybe you can reach out to Faith and ask her if she’d be up for exchanging numbers if you haven’t already and maybe once in a while you guys can set up some sort of coffee/lunch date. Or whatever it is you like. I don’t know if you like coffee. Beside the point. You never know, maybe she’d be up for catching up once in a while. Even if it isnt frequently.
Don’t beat yourself up too much over relapsing. Like Dan, said, you are not the numbers. You have been doing so well lately and so it’s important that you don’t lose sight of all the amazing things that you have accomplished. I too went a very long time without self harming and then relapsed a handful of months ago. It was actually the first post Dan ever responded to of mine. I was really embarrassed about it, but I shared it here and so many people responded in support. I’ve since, been clean of it.
I love you. I know that you have had a lot of things that you have been battling with lately that have been tugging you in a lot of different directions. But despite that, you have been working with myself and others to make a game plan for yourself to stay away from things that are tempting.
Life likes to throw challenges at us, but you can power through this. A lot of people around this community love you very much.
It is worth it. Keep fighting. You are loved.
Sorry for your struggle, I also been trying stay clean in self harm and I lost my mind yesterday. I was punching my bed and I had my mom drive me to my destination for my ankle appointment. Recovery sucks, but it worth in the end.