I relapsed.

BeautifulRemains · August 16, 2019, 6:49am

I really didn’t want to post up here again for a long while but I know there’s people on this platform that are very supportive. I just got over my depression episode that last awhile. The past few days I’ve felt empty and drained (I always feel like this after my depression episodes)but actually felt like I was okay for a few days. This last depression episode I unfortunately relapsed after being over a year clean from cutting. I promised my boyfriend I would never do this again and that’s why I stayed as long as I could clean. I’ve put so much time and effort into trying to not self harm. Well I failed him and myself. Im such a disappointment.
After I first self harmed again I told him and of course he was very upset. He told me to never do it again. Ever since then I’ve continued to self harm. From cutting to starting to burn myself.
Because I was doing this once again I felt it was best to tell him because I really needed to tell someone. And I felt I couldn’t keep lying to him about this.
I feel so incredibly awful and disgusted with myself for disappointing the one person I love and care so fucking much about. I know it tears him up when I do this. I know it hurts him. He tells me I have a choice to not self harm. He says you can think of it but do not act on it. . . I would have never relapsed if I felt like I had a choice to not do it. I could not control it. I felt like I lost all control.
I tried so hard to stay clean. And all of that went down the drain.
You really don’t know how much your boyfriend loves and cares about you until he starts crying and begging you to stop self harming. After this I don’t think I have ever cried so hard in my life. I feel so fucking terrible.

Right now I feel like my depression episodes are starting back up.
Why does everytime it comes back it gets so much worse. My depression has never been this bad.
I just don’t know how to cope with what I feel and all of the memories from the past so I take it and turn it into self harm.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND HAS NEVER EVER SELF HARMED BEFORE (CUTTING, BURNING ECT.) AND ARE THINKING OF SELF HARM, PLEASE DO NOT EVER START. IT IS A TRAP AND IT IS HARD TO STOP ONCE YOU HAVE STARTED. PLEASE DO NOT SELF HARM!

Odysseus · August 16, 2019, 7:04am

I was really moved by that last paragraph. Thank you for informing people and hopefully help them avoid self-harm. Sometimes helping people gives you the strength to carry on.

Indeed the people of this community are so freaking kind. I was feeling so bad tonight. Insomnia rn. And I literally posted something and someone super nice answered and I feel 100x better and inspired to help.

I can (to a certain degree) relate to the experience of a feeling that is so overwhelming that you can not put it away. Naturally, we choose another overwhelming feeling (like self-harm). However, there are other alternatives as far as my life experience goes (i dont do self harm though). Still, for me, it is RUNNING

Now, I HATE RUNNING, IT LITERALLY FEELS LIKE IM DYING, but thats the beauty of it. Running, for me, is so physically demanding and overwhelming, that it buries my thoughts. Running gets to easy that the thoughts resurface? Well you can always run faster and farther. (Although within reason and physicals safety) I encourage you to try it out (if you are able) or other alternatives!

I will keep you in my thoughts. know that there is someone rooting for you.