Thank you so much for sharing these parts of your story, friend. There’s so many times when we carry our struggles on our own, away from others sight - and therefore judgment -, but it’s also safe and healthy to share our vulnerable side when it’s appropriate to us. By opening up about what you’ve been through, you’re taking a brick off this walll of loneliness and isolation. It might not feel like a big thing when it’s done through a Youtube comment, but really you can be proud of yourself for choosing to write down all of this here.
You have without a doubt been carrying your share of struggles, and it makes sense to feel overwhelmed and alone with it, especially when other people in your life don’t seem to understand what it entails to feel things the way you do. As you said, you can know rationally that you are living in good circumstances and surrounded by great people, but anxiety/panic don’t work this way. It pushes so many buttons in our mind and body that are emotionally taxing, and not grounded in rationality. Somehow, it’s what makes it so hard for so many people to understand its reality: from the outside, it doesn’t make sense and/or doesn’t seem logical. Thankfully, there are people who can understand even without having experienced anxiety or panic firsthand, but it surely takes practice and stretching one’s own sense of empathy.
For what it’s worth, I personally relate and understand the things you describe. I have only struggled with panic at very low and stressful times of my life, but anxiety on the other hand has always been present, like a neverending background speaker in my brain. It keeps on instilling so many fears, doubts and shame on a daily basis, making social interactions difficult and preventing me from living the life I aspire to get in many aspects. As you said, it is really scary to see yourself thinking, feeling and reacting a certain way while having no control over it. It feels like being stuck in your own body but being pushed on the passenger side. You are somehow forced to witness things happening without any control over it, like someone else was piloting everything. It’s such a brutal experience to feel like you don’t have ownership of what’s happening inside of you, and how it can be seen by others on the outside.
I do hope that, in the midst of this, you manage to cultivate as much as possible a spirit of patience, grace and love ot yourself. What your anxiety and panic manifests are your body and mind’s way to say that needs have to be attended inside of your heart. It’s not really great at explaining what’s going on with proper words, but at least that’s the way I personally like to see it. It helps me see that my anxiety is not there to sabotage me, but more a signal that I need to be gentle with myself even more than the day before. By ensuring time for me, by listening to my body’s sensations, by journaling my thoughts every once in a while. Making space for myself when I seem to push “me” away a little bit too much, or for too long.
May you find peace and healing through this. You are definitely not alone, my friend. I’m thankful for you and the fact that you’ve shared these personal experiences here. Hold fast.
-Micro