I shouldn't have looked

[Hiraeth]

Wow, what a day.

It’s so insane to me that things can start looking up, and I’m finally feeling happy, and then the coasting suddenly stops like a damn train wreck slamming into a wall of anxiety, hate, nausea and self loathing.

I’m fucking sick; To my stomach and in the head.

I was having a great day. I was happy, taking a morning walk. It was foggy, calm, quiet and wonderful. Just me and my camera.

Then I come home and find myself stumbling across photos on social media of someone that I haven’t seen in years, holding their newborn with their wife on a beach somewhere. Cheeky smiles plastered on their faces like they’ve never felt an ounce of sadness in their entire life.

It was him.

The one that I never wanted to see. I never wanted to fucking see him again.

I sure as hell never wanted to see him happy. I wanted him to be just as fucked up and sad as me!

But no, he gets to live a life free of trauma, free of sadness, free of this sickness I have in my head.

And I’m just left here to continue wandering about my stupid life, picking up the pieces every one in awhile. Constantly trying to clean up the mess he made.

I’m sick. I could literally throw up right now.

Why did I have to look?!

Why did I have to ruin my day?

Why today, of all days, did that account have to pop up in my ‘people you may know’… ?

And why did I have to click on it?

Why did I have to go through every goddamn picture of him, his wife and their stupid happy life together?

How could she possibly look happy in those photos? Is he not doing the same things to her that he did to me? Or was I just different, and weak, and easy to take advantage of?

What about me made him do those things to me? What about him makes him think that that was ok? Does he not feel guilty at all? Does he ever think back and remember all the fucked up shit he did to me at all? Does he not realize how screwed up a person is now because of his actions? Or does he just not even care?

And here I am, thinking about this shit every day still, even after all of these years, and he just gets to go on and be happy and pretend like nothing ever happened!

It’s bullshit.

I’m letting this get to me; sink into me, devour me, consume me. I feel a boiling rage within me and I can’t shut it down.

I want to reach out to her, and tell her all of the gory details. Do you even know who you married?

But I’m a coward. Instead, I’ll probably bury it, just like I do with most things.

It sounds like jealousy I guess, and in a way it is.

Its not fair for him to be happy when I’m a mess. Its not fair that he gets to have a career, a house and a family, when I haven’t moved from the same place I ran away to, physically or mentally. Its just not fucking fair.

As I write this out, the anger seems to be dissipating; dissolving into tears. The thought lingering in the back of mind that maybe I’ll just never be okay again.

This wound is always going to be here, constantly being patched up and reopened again and again. This sickness in my head, cocked and ready to fire at the slightest trigger.

[anon14688970]

I can’t say I know how that feels, but if it were the person I truly hate I know I would feel like that too. And it may be hard to forget a thing so vile you just want it to die, but in the end, he’s not your problem anymore, he’s not part of your life anymore, you’re going to be okay. Just take a deep breath and remember, that your truth is what you make of your past. Things can get better but only you are in charge of taking that step forward. Your truth can always change, it’s just your decision to look at it, face it, and change it.
I hope you are feeling better right now
-X

[Hiraeth]

Thank you for reaching out. I know you’re right. He isn’t my problem or a part of my life anymore, and what’s done is done and there’s no changing it. I have to let go of all of this baggage in order to move forward and get better - and I realize this, but I can’t figure out how. I just feel like no matter what happens or what I do differently, the result is always the same. I’m just constantly going through the motions, but I’m running in place. I’m not going anywhere, literally and figuratively. I swear I feel like I’m just damning myself to this “prison” I’ve found myself in. Its been 11 years and I’ve not moved out of this same apartment. I can’t stand to live in the same place with so many memories but I, for whatever reason, can’t make a goal to move. Or the fact that I have had so many chances to do so many things or go on vacations, take chances, live life, have fun, and yet I always turn it down and turn people away. And everything is my own damn fault. All of my regrets and wants that are seemingly out of reach are entirely my own fault. I am hindering myself from living my life. Its almost like I take one step in the right direction, and things are going great, but then my mind thinks about something that ultimately makes the anxiety, panic attacks, anger and depression settle right back in again, and when it settles, it lingers for weeks and sometimes months before it lessens. But it always comes back.
I have so much anger inside that keeps clawing at me but I never can find a way to let it out. And what good would it possibly do if I do let it out? Anger doesn’t solve anything. But damn if it isn’t poison.
I have good things in my life; my husband is amazing, but if I can’t get a handle on this shit going on inside of me, there’s a good chance that I could lose the only good thing that has ever happened in my life.
I’m ruining everything, but I’ve been blaming him. And the wires in my head seem crossed lately because for the past 11 years I’ve blamed him but now I’m wondering if I should be blaming myself.
I’m just rambling now. Sorry. I think I’m just purging the whirlwind of thoughts that is my mind right now. Thanks for reading anyway.

[SheetMetalHead]

It’s hard to get over the shit exes put you through, hard to see that they’ve moved on and are happy, even if you have moved on too. Oddly enough, what drove the message home for me was the latest Hasan Minhaj stand-up special. He talks about a girl who broke his heart in high school, of all the bitterness he harbored toward her for years, and then finally meeting her for answers. What he found was that she wasn’t the same person she was back then, and it was unfair to assume that she was. He had moved forward, even if he never got over the hurt. He had learned lessons from her, and from others. He had changed. It would be sad if he didn’t. It works both ways though, and the girl had changed too.

You’re married to a good guy, and it’s important to keep that in mind. staying hung up on an ex is not healthy for a marriage. I’ve been guilty of it too, but I’ve been working hard on trying to process through it. It’s not fair for me to take out my hurt and bitterness on my wife, or to let them cloud how I view our relationship. Our marriage is not the same as my past relationships, and that’s a very good thing, something I try to remind myself of constantly. I hope you can find a measure of peace knowing that people change, and that that change is a good thing–or that even if he hasn’t changed, he’s not your problem anymore. One of my exes is still wrecking homes, and I’m just glad she’s no longer in my life.

[Micro]

Dear @Hiraeth,

My heart breaks with yours. It is truly unfair to see that he’s allowed to be happy while you are suffering so much. So many times I thought and keep thinking about my assaulters and wonder if they are happy now, if they smile, if they have a great life, a family and whatnot. While I am the one who has to deal with the consequences of their actions. So many times I thought about all the opportunities I’ve missed and all the time that I have lost because of what they did. It’s not fair. And when I think about it, I can’t help feeling a huge wave of despair, a deep sense of injustice that I still try to restore in my own way. And I believe talking is one of these ways.

These emotions you feel are real, valid, intense, but you are not letting it drown you. You are here. You share your heart as it is. You dare to express yourself, and that is your fundamental right. For what it’s worth, I’m so very proud of you for being here and using your voice. You freaking deserve it, and you deserve to be heard. I am angry, with you, for what he did. You never deserved any of it.

You’ve said that anger doesn’t solve anything, but I’d like to respond that anger is still a necessary fuel sometimes. It is the very first emotion we feel when we face an injustice. It is this emotion that drives us to create the changes that are necessary in our life to heal, to get better, to get out of our comfort zone and do what is needed to take care of ourselves as well. It is this energy that pushes us to look after ways to restore these broken parts of ourselves. It is poison if it is left as it is and doesn’t drives us to move forward, because it is an emotion that can eat us alive. But when it is associated with healthy and thoughtful actions, then it can be an extremely powerful energy.

The very first lie that we are likely to believe about ourselves after being assaulted or abused is to accept it, to think that we deserved it. As intense as the emotions that you feel right now are intense, they are also a scream from your heart that says: fuck it, I never deserved it! And damn, you’re so right. You acknowledge the injustice. It freaking hurts. But it is a necessary realization too.

You shouldn’t blame yourself for feeling how you feel either. Trauma is trauma. It is imprinted in our bodies. Getting over it is not the result of pure willigness. It goes along with learning to cope with triggers, emotions associated with grief, and all the physical manifestations that it can still have, even 11 years after. This is not your fault. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t choose it. You are not to blame.

I see you growing more and more, through the posts you have shared in the past and lately. There are ups and downs, and so many mines to defuse in what looks like a battlefield. But you are doing it. One by one, little by little. If you feel like you might need to receive some professional support as well and are not seeing a therapist, I’d encourage you to seek that as well. It is scary to make those steps, but it is so important to have someone by your side who can provide you a safe space and help you navigate these intense emotions whenever they arise. Our partners can love us and support us, but there’s only so much they can do sometimes, and we can’t put everything on their own shoulders. It’s okay to seek external help, in a more neutral place, with someone who’s emotions and connection with you wouldn’t interfere with your healing.

How you feel is valid, real and understandable. It is not fair to have to go through all of this. It is not fair to see your own life overloaded by triggers, anxiety and deep emotions. I feel all of this with you and am standing by your side. And I know for sure, without even a percent of doubt, that you have the strength within you to rise again and grow stronger. He didn’t take the best of you. He didn’t defeat you. I believe in you, regardless of what his life is, who he is or what’s he’s become. I believe in you.

Now might also be a good time to update all your social accounts and make sure this person will not be suggested to you anymore. It’s okay to do what is necessary on this matter. You don’t need these “easy” ways to torture yourself. You deserve a bit of peace, friend.

[Hiraeth]

Thank you for always being here to talk me down. I keep reading your replies over and over. They help.
I’ve been having a rough time ever since I discovered that page on social media; so much so that I’ve had to call off work because I couldn’t focus and feel like crying over the slightest thing. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. Seeing his face in those photos… Its like everything flooded back but it also brought waves of anger with it. Despite me feeling completely broken, depressed, hopeless and angry, I took your advice and started trying to use those feelings productively. This week, whenever I have felt it coming on strong, I put that focus and anger into exercising. I think that is a good way to at least spend all of that rage instead of bury it.
I haven’t been keeping alcohol in the house, except for an old bottle of (disgusting) Lagavulin and a some bourbon that I usually cook with. But I hit a low point and drank these things, despite me not enjoying it whatsoever. I just wanted to feel some sort of relief from the despair I feel. I need to do better and be stronger. Yesterday, I took off work and immediately wanted to go to the liquor store, but instead I drove in the opposite direction and drove for hours into the country and had no idea where I was half the time; just driving, windows down, radio up and breathing fresh air. I just drove around instead of buying alcohol. I’m not sure if that is a win or not because I still came home and drank some of my the shit I have on the shelf.
My family wants me to come home for a get-together this weekend, back there. I can’t stop thinking about it. What if I run into him in person? He is literally the cop there. I just can’t go - plain and simple. And as much as I want to see my family who I haven’t seen in over a year, I just can’t bring myself to go. I’ll be on edge and won’t be able to relax and I just won’t be able to enjoy the time with my family, knowing that at any moment he could be there. And its a small town so I’m sure if I come down, word will spread and he’ll know where I am. Not that I’m afraid that he’ll do something but I think he knows that his presence will be torture enough… Anyway…I’ll make up some excuse to get out of it, which makes me feel even more like a coward.
You know, I always thought that things would be better as time goes on but all of this seems to be getting worse as time goes on. Maybe I’m already “poisoned” with my anger and trauma. Some days I feel so much and other days I feel totally numb with no ability to do anything productive. Half the time I don’t even smile anymore. I know I should seek professional help. Its a thought that crosses my mind every single day. But I’m so afraid that they’ll pump me full of drugs or lock me away for a while.
My husband said something to me that kind of hurt - he said I’m basically two different people. If I’m talking with his family or mine, coworkers or random people at the grocery store, I’m fake, because I pretend to smile and be happy and talkative, and then when it’s just me and him, I’m the real me which is basically an introvert who rarely talks. And its true. I put on this front like everything is ok when I’m in front of people. But when I’m alone or just with my husband I’m the person I am. And I don’t know how people would react towards me if I didn’t put on that act.
I’m going on a vacation soon with some of my family. It will be nice to get away for a week. But putting on that mask and pretending like everything is fine is going to be so damn challenging. I think I’m going to be absolutely exhausted. All of the worries about vacationing all the way across the country, dealing with crowds of people with my social anxiety on top of my (what I believe to be) crippling depression are making me not even want to go. I know I’ll regret it if I don’t, but I just don’t know if I can do it. I feel incredibly fragile right now and I just don’t know if I can pretend to be ok for a whole week.
Thanks for reading.

[Micro]

You are more than welcome. I’m glad if our words here can help you, even just a little, and give you an anchor to hold on to during painful time. These connections are possible because you allow them to exist.

I’ve been having a rough time ever since I discovered that page on social media; so much so that I’ve had to call off work because I couldn’t focus and feel like crying over the slightest thing. I feel like I’m having a breakdown.

If you feel that way, then you probably are having a breakdown. And you know what? That would be the most human reaction possible. What this person represents is not just about him. It’s about a load of painful memories and how it keeps affecting you. Seeing him is like opening the bag again and having a look at what’s inside. You know how it is, you know it is happening, and that’s a strength. Because even if you are overflooded by emotions, you can also name them and understand why they are there. You are not lost thinking “I might just be crazy/wired wrong/broken”. You connect the dots and you understand that it’s not a “you” problem, but a situational reaction - and that is something anyone would go through as well.

This week, whenever I have felt it coming on strong, I put that focus and anger into exercising. I think that is a good way to at least spend all of that rage instead of bury it.

Indeed! And for many reasons. But first and foremost because you don’t turn it against you. You don’t end up hurting yourself more than you are in pain already, and that’s a good thing. Also, exercising in particular is very powerful in many ways. Trauma affects us at an emotional and a physical level. The fact that you allow your body to be in movement and to connect to it in a healthy way can have some very positive effects. Also, I’d encourage you to try to find some closure at the end of your session with a more relaxing time. Not necessarily “meditation” as we always imagine it, but just a couple of minutes to slow down, breathe, and ground yourself. In the midst of a storm, it’s also important to make sure that the wind don’t take you too far away.

I haven’t been keeping alcohol in the house, except for an old bottle of (disgusting) Lagavulin and a some bourbon that I usually cook with. But I hit a low point and drank these things, despite me not enjoying it whatsoever. I just wanted to feel some sort of relief from the despair I feel. I need to do better and be stronger.

You are strong. You are not weak. It’s good that you’ve decided to keep alcohol out of the house. Maybe now it would be the time to try without any kind of alcohol at all, whether it seems disgusting or not. Alcohol is alcohol, and when we feel an urge to cope, we want to access a different emotional state by any mean, which sometimes implies to do things we didn’t think we would do. For example, I’ve struggled for a long time with eating disorders. During my worst years I’d starve myself, then binge eat. As a strategy, I’ve tried at some point to make sure that no “triggering” food would be at home (sweets, sugary things or stuff like that). But when the urge was there, instead, I binged on things that I wouldn’t have ate, or not like this. I found replacements, because it was about accessing to the comfort of feeling full, and not the taste or flavors of what I was eating.

Have you thought eventually to reach out to a 12-steps group? I think this could be a valuable resource for you, both in terms of having a space to discuss these urges with people who understand, but also to receive the help of a mentor eventually. In any case, you don’t have to do this alone. <3

I just drove around instead of buying alcohol. I’m not sure if that is a win or not because I still came home and drank some of my the shit I have on the shelf.

It’s still a win, because you have delayed it. When an urge comes, your most precious tool is time. The more you give yourself time while feeling pressured to drink, the more you learn to tolerate the emotions that comes up during these moments, and the more it will be easy for you to resist and say “no”. For what it’s worth coming from me, I’m proud of you.

Anyway…I’ll make up some excuse to get out of it, which makes me feel even more like a coward.

You are not a coward. There is a time for everything, and you know yourself enough to say that now is not a time to take the risk to go back there and eventually face him. It’s actually strong to have this level of self-awareness, and it’s even stronger to know when to say no. You don’t need to let yourself consumed by a trip there. There is absolutely nothing that forces you to go through that. You have the power to decide. And I’m sure there will be different opportunities to see your family in a different place.

You know, for different reasons (a childhood marked by abuses), I feel unable to go back to my family’s home. I’ve felt guilty for a long time, but going there is probably one of my biggest fears. I know already that with how I am right now, it would be a direct trip to some intense suicidal tendencies and I can’t imagine coming back alive from it. Sure I’ve traveled there many times, but I know it consumes me. Now that I have grown and have learned to be more aware of who I am, my emotions and my needs, it feels somehow like I’ve become more weak as I’m not able to go there anymore. But it’s actually the opposite. It’s strong to know our limits. And it’s brave to finally listen to them. How people react or welcome it is on them. You are allowed to respect your limits and express your needs.

You know, I always thought that things would be better as time goes on but all of this seems to be getting worse as time goes on.

I know it’s not much of a comfort, but during my darkest days I try to remind myself that “it gets worse before it gets better”. Just because this is about deep emotions and memories that not only happened once in our life, but that we had to deal with silently for too long. It feels like an explosion, a mess that has no sense or meaning, but I want you to know that in the midst of this fog, you are walking on the right path, because you are no longer ignoring or dismissing any of this.

I know I should seek professional help. Its a thought that crosses my mind every single day. But I’m so afraid that they’ll pump me full of drugs or lock me away for a while.

It’s good that you think about it often. And you know, these thoughts are not there by mistake. It’s also your intuition speaking. Deep down you know that it would be beneficial, but these fears are holding you back, and that’s understandable.

First off no one can force you to take meds if you don’t want to. There are different options out there, and therapy (as in seeing a psychologist/counselor) wouldn’t be about medication at all, because therapist who are not psychiatrists can’t prescribe any meds. On the other hand, psychiatrists are doctors, and they can provide a medical treatment if that is needed as a crutch at some point. Now, a good thing would be to find a trauma-informed therapist. Someone who is aware of how trauma works and can impact us as individuals. At this point, if you feel like even just talking could be great for you, then just having that neutral space with a pychologist could help. I’ve started to see one every week, and I’ve seen the difference, as it helps me to unload my burdens on a regular basis. Just this makes a difference. Especially since the person in front of you doesn’t judge you - and they’re actually a lot more gentle with you than you might be with yourself. As for therapy themselves, I’ve heard that EMDR is also very beneficial for survivors of traumas. I should start this with my therapist soon, and if you want any feedback about this, I wouldn’t mind at all sharing that with you.

In any case, I really want to encourage you to not let these fears prevent you from receiving the help you need and deserve. If you want, there are even online options that could be a way to just start and make the first step. HeartSupport for example has a partnership with BetterHelp (a free week and whether you cancel the automatic payment or you keep with it): Get Help | HeartSupport

Not forcing you or pressuring you to do anything by the way. It’s just a friendly encouragement, because I want for you to receive the help you need. You’ve been leading these battles on your own for a very long time already. It would be good to try to do thing differently from now on and seeking safe, healthy connections just like you are doing right here with us too.

And its true. I put on this front like everything is ok when I’m in front of people. But when I’m alone or just with my husband I’m the person I am.

I do that too. Because I only feel fully safe with very few people, so I don’t allow myself to be “me” most of the time. It is something that we have learned to be. It was a way to survive when there was no one to listen or understand. To keep a straight face or even a smile, to focus on what needs to be done and to function rather than existing. It makes sense, and that doesn’t make you weird. It is still something that can be unlearned while you learn to heal as well, because you will learn to give yourself more space, both for the person that you are and for your own vulnerability.

And I don’t know how people would react towards me if I didn’t put on that act.

Well some people might understand and some people wouldn’t. In any case, that would be on them. The thing is people evolve with us or they don’t. But we don’t have to be what others expect us to be, especially if it goes against our own growth or well-being.

I know I’ll regret it if I don’t, but I just don’t know if I can do it. I feel incredibly fragile right now and I just don’t know if I can pretend to be ok for a whole week.

Will your husband be there and is he aware of this? Maybe you could anticipate these moments together and make sure you have the opportunity to take a break a little bit everyday, or just to make this vacation focused on rest and peace for all of you?

Sending love your way. Thank you once again for sharing your heart and your thoughts. It is an honor to discuss with you.

[Sita]

I’m really proud of you for reaching out and being responsive. Experiencing intense anger can feel like it consumes all other thoughts. I’m really sorry you had to feel so much pain and anger and that it has stayed with you.

for me, I have seen how we can sometimes internalize our anger and by hurting ourselves, we keep the defensive response going. So we may get involved in substances, not take of our bodies, not take care of our relationships, in a silent self-destructive path that we attribute to the enemy/wrongdoer. I’ve seen it where the thought is: “this is what you did to me. nobody saw the other stuff, but this they can see”.

But the reality is that they won’t see, and in many cases, the wrong doer would not care. To heal, we have to start loving ourselves and forgive ourselves for having wasted time, energy, money etc on this failed relationship. I’m glad you have a wonderful partner, and I get the ‘feeling stuck’ here feeling.

But I believe in you. I believe you can learn to shed this anger and pain. Because it hurts to see them so happy now in their new life, while you still bear the scars of the old life, get back at them by being the happiest, healthiest you can be. Every time the idea or thought comes to you that this is a sad horrible life they have left you with, say no, look at me do something for myself that’s good, that’s positive, that is GOOD for ME.

The best thing to do is to show that all the good things about yourself (your talents, passions, hobbies, dreams, whatever else) still exist, and will grow and blossom.

You say you didn’t do a lot of things and are damning yourself. Start tiny tiny tiny. Do something new, different, that “he” is not associated with. A new coffee shop, new route to a favourite place, a picnic with your husband new, make new memories and then you won’t feel so tied to the old things that are keeping you cemented to the past trauma.

And you are not poison, neither poisoned. You are a worthy human being, about to blossom. Wishing you the best friend!

[Hiraeth]

Sorry for the delay in my response here. Its been a rough week. Thank you for your response and helpful words though - I greatly appreciate that this amazing community is always willing to help others.

@SheetMetalHead

Our marriage is not the same as my past relationships, and that’s a very good thing

This is something that really struck me hard, but in a good way. It made me realize just how much time and energy I’ve wasted on trying to recover from that abusive relationship and just how much of that time I could have spent with my husband. There are days where I just don’t feel like talking or exerting any energy whatsoever simply because I’m having a bad day, and that affects him and ultimately us. I will be more mindful of this going forward. I think it will help me focus on what’s truly important in the here and now, rather than be consumed by the past. So thank you!