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Belongs to: Jake Luhrs Reacts to Slaughter To Prevail for the first time. (Kid of Darkness)
I struggle with self doubt and my inability to be confident. I have vices that I use for escapism, because of my unending negativity about myself, and my future.
Hey my friend. Oooof do I feel this post in my soul. Thanks for saying something, as I cant be the only one who reads this and sees a reflection of myself in here.
Im sorry that you struggle with confidence and self efficacy and rampant negativity about yourself. I imagine that must feel like it pervades every aspect of your life. I imagine it makes it hard to engage in activities, much less enjoy them. The frustration and exhaustion that must come from this must be daunting.
Im so sorry friend. I see you. I hear you. I believe you.
I personally have such an on and off relationship with myself and my confidence. But for a decade it was purely off. I could fake it. I could pretend to be confident or act like I was something big. But it was always temporary - a mask that hid someone who was desperate for approval and acceptance. So much so that I didn’t really establish who I was or what I wanted for so many years. I was what the people around me wanted or needed. Nothing more.
When I decided to start facing some of that stuff - I had loads of unpacking to do. And many times, I sort of shut down. I ran to my phone. Scrolled a ton. Or simply ignored the signs and symptoms. It was easier that way.
Eventually, i wanted to do better. For me, it was seeing my daughter grow up and realizing I wasn’t showing up for her. And that she didn’t deserve to be stuck with the generational curse.
It’s been about 4 years since my major breakthroughs in therapy where I figured out the whys and what-ifs and fears and started practicing coping techniques that I still use. Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. But more often than not, Im glad to be alive. And that’s progress, even if small.
And I think you deserve that. I won’t lecture you on the MAGIC of therapy. I know it’s hard to find the right therapist, the right TYPE of therapy, etc. But maybe a book could also help. Not those “The Art of Not Giving A F@!?” books. But stuff that probes deeper perhaps? Maybe. Maybe.
Perhaps just knowing that you aren’t alone would help. That to this day, I question whether I am good enough. A good enough husband. A good enough father. Though the people in my life would say “of course” - that whisper in my head is loud on some days.
And we fight through.
Im proud of you. We’ve got this. YOU’VE got this.
You’re amazing and I am so proud of you. You deserve love. Prosperity. And hope.
Hold fast.
@@jakeabr I’ve been following your heart support stuff since the beginning. Seen many on the forums, and seeing the good advice others leave. The tough part is really that I do know that there’s always a brighter future, but when you feel like you let everyone down almost every day, yourself included, you become very robotic. You mention of faking it for years, that’s exactly it. Just become robotic. Wake up, go to work, or hang w friends, or play a show, etc. All of that became robotic. I find in recent years it’s been affecting my ability to enjoy my passions. I saw you guys in Cleveland June 28th, 2019. I got to speak to Matt prior to the show outside. We talked drums and whatnot. One of the best experiences, in music, that Ive had. But that same night, driving home at 3:00 in the morning, I fell asleep at the wheel and drove through a telephone pole. Instead of being grateful that I was basically uninjured and whatnot, I just remember it as an experience of failure. That I can’t even enjoy a concert with a friend without screwing something up. My car was totaled, and my mind immediately filled with all of the negatives.
I know that it’s on me to fix and fight through it. To overcome my own self, but it’s hard to say the least, as you know.
I genuinely do appreciate your impact on the world. We are called to spread the Gospel and that the Kingdom is at hand. But I also realize it’s hard to plant that seed to bear fruit, when you yourself are withered. We can only strive to be better. Much love and hope next time you’re in Ohio that I have a chance to meet and talk in person. 