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I survived a suicide attempt in my teens. Since then I have been through two divorces, lost a child, and watched my partners go through two miscarriages. All I ever wanted to be was a father and one month after giving an adoption agency 20k my wife decides she doesn’t want to adopt and three months later I’m divorced and 52. Which in this state means I am too old to adopt. So why am I here? The only thing I ever wanted I will never have. The point is missed on me. Why did I survive that attempt to just suffer loss after loss?
Hello! I am also a suicide survivor. I can relate a lot to the thoughts of “why did I survive”, and the pain that can lead one into those actions. I’m sorry to hear that you have been going through so much hardship when it comes to your relationships and your desire to have a child. The loss of a child and miscarriages I’m sure were extremely hard to endure, and heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you for having endured these events. Also, having spent that kind of money and then still not getting the opportunity to adopt, I can see that being a very hard situation to go through on top of it all. You don’t deserve to have been lead down that rode falsely by your ex, and I hope you can find what you are looking for in the future. I don’t know if you have looked at this, or done any research as to ways you might be able to adopt even as an older individual, but I did find an article that talks about the foster system and how someone who is above the age threshold for adoption could have the opportunity to adopt a child that they have given foster care too. If that is a route you would be willing to consider. It might not be the ideal thing that you envisioned, but I think it does offer a real possibility for being able to fill that role you wish to fill as a parent. I’m sure there are plenty of foster kids that would be grateful to have a good parent in their life. I’m not sure if that would help at all, but I just thought I would talk about it, in case it does give you any ideas/options you didn’t explore yet.
I also struggle with the whole purpose thing. I have found that something that has helped me immensely is just sharing what I am going through, like you are now. My symptoms flare up and down fairly often as to how I am feeling, and how much intrusive thinking I am doing that particular day/week. But I Find that letting it out, in safe space can be very therapeutic. As to why you survived, that is something only you can find out/answer. But I am glad you did, and I believe that we all have purpose of some kind in our life. It’s just a matter of finding it, and trying to find ways to hold on while things are going badly. One thing that I think is very important to remember, that I think a lot of us struggling with Mental Illness forget sometimes. Is that a part of our purpose should be to love ourselves and care for ourselves. I know first hand this can be very hard to do when we are lacking an idea for what the purpose is, but I think the more we can accept and love ourselves, the easier it is to deal with at times.
Regardless, I just want you to know that you are worth it, and you deserve to have your wants/needs in life come to fruition. I hope you can have some success in finding what you need, and that you find some relief to the way you are feeling in time. <3
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through and how you are feeling. I have had similar feelings myself so I can understand a bit of how you are feeling at the moment. It can be really disappointing when our lives doesn’t turn out the way we had envisioned or wanted; when we have been unable to attain those important things we have always wanted. I too struggled with suicide and have had those feelings of “why am I still here if things are the same and I’m still unable to get/achieve the things I want”. It can leave a really empty feeling inside and really eat away at feelings of hope. So I am sorry to hear that you are currently feeling this way. Because being a survivor is a good and positive thing. To have continued your life until 52 (and still going) is something worth celebrating.
I’m truly sorry for the losses you have experienced over the years, both in terms of your relationships and in your attempts at becoming a father. It must have been truly difficult to endure and must have taken a lot of strength.
I know it might not be ideal, but there are still other ways that you can become a father or at least a father figure. And maybe it wouldn’t do any harm to look into those methods and explore them. I am hoping that there are still ways for you to get what you have wanted most in this world because you deserve it.
