Hey friend. Firstly, thanks for speaking up and talking about this. Sometimes, that’s the hardest part. And im proud of you for taking that step.
In your post, you talk about feeling like you’re in a limbo state, between wanting to be gone but not wanting to go through with it. Almost like you can’t even muster up the energy to do that. And I have to say, I understand. I’ve definitely been in that spot. And it makes total sense. Does it feel like each day is just a listless blur? Like you’re going through the motions, perhaps nothing excites you or makes you feel really alive? I could imagine feeling maybe suffocated in the emptiness, wanting a way out. But also, the thought of leaving or being done feels like a solution. But one that is too permanent. Maybe even terrifying? Like wanting it, but not. Being at odds with yourself.
I dont know if any of that resonates with you. But ive been in that position before. I’ve felt that sort of way, even if from a different angle. For me, I relate to not having friends. I burned so many bridges in my twenties. I cut people off and told myself it was for their own good. It was for my own good. Like ‘if I cut this off now, then it will spare them time and hurt.’ You mentioned “fight for yourself and depend on yourself”. Which reminds me a lot of my childhood as well. Very individualistic. Rely on nobody. Trust nobody because they can leave. They can hurt you. I think that, for me, I believed that for a long time. Most of my twenties and nearly into my thirties. I think things started to change when I deconstructed that thought. That overly self-reliance. I came to realize that people need people. People are social creatures. And that most of my life, I had kept everyone at arms length while shouting “nobody cares” and wondering why. Perhaps it was a form of self punishment. Like isolating myself was what i deserved. But I didnt deserve it. And nobody does. I deserved friends. And happiness. A community and compassion. People I could say “hey today is a heavy day, can I just have a hug?”
I never knew how much a simple hug could relieve the pain.
And through the relief, I rarely feel that pang of wanting to leave. I still have bad days. But i know the bad days are like the tide.
What I mean to say in all of this is that, I had to allow myself to love and be loved. It took a lot of trust. And realizing that people’s actions are about them, not me. But it made life better. Im 32 this year, getting married next year, and I have like 3 people to invite to the wedding. But that’s 3 more than I had. It’s slow to happen. But Im glad it’s happening.
I think there’s a world where you find your people. Your purposes and passions. But perhaps overly relying on yourself, perhaps keeping those walls up is keeping the love out?
Im not an expert. It’s just a thought. The world is scary and vulnerability equally so.
But regardless, I want to let you know that I appreciate you. Im proud of you. You’re doing great. You say that only you can make the decision to go forward, which is true. But maybe, just maybe, we can help you when the burden is heavy. Many of us want to. Without wanting anything in return.
I hope youre ok friend. Drink some water and take care of yourself <3
