I think and tell myself i want to commit suicide b

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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
I think and tell myself I want to commit suicide, but I know I don’t believe it and won’t do it no matter how low I get. I know I don’t need to say this but it helps me get these thoughts out of my head since I don’t let anyone else irl know due to personal trauma. I dont know what what I want out of it, but I know it’s just selfish to want it and talk about it but still do nothing about it. I just can’t find a reason to do it, but I also don’t have a reason to keep going like I’m in a limbo state. I don’t have friends, and that is the truth because I’ve burned all those bridges and never created new ones, always keeping everyone at a distance. Family cares about me, but our motto is fight for yourself and depend on yourself. I know I can ask for help, but only I can make the decision to move forward so I feel no reason to involve others. Idk, I just don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t have the motivation to do anything good or bad.

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Hey friend. Firstly, thanks for speaking up and talking about this. Sometimes, that’s the hardest part. And im proud of you for taking that step.

In your post, you talk about feeling like you’re in a limbo state, between wanting to be gone but not wanting to go through with it. Almost like you can’t even muster up the energy to do that. And I have to say, I understand. I’ve definitely been in that spot. And it makes total sense. Does it feel like each day is just a listless blur? Like you’re going through the motions, perhaps nothing excites you or makes you feel really alive? I could imagine feeling maybe suffocated in the emptiness, wanting a way out. But also, the thought of leaving or being done feels like a solution. But one that is too permanent. Maybe even terrifying? Like wanting it, but not. Being at odds with yourself.

I dont know if any of that resonates with you. But ive been in that position before. I’ve felt that sort of way, even if from a different angle. For me, I relate to not having friends. I burned so many bridges in my twenties. I cut people off and told myself it was for their own good. It was for my own good. Like ‘if I cut this off now, then it will spare them time and hurt.’ You mentioned “fight for yourself and depend on yourself”. Which reminds me a lot of my childhood as well. Very individualistic. Rely on nobody. Trust nobody because they can leave. They can hurt you. I think that, for me, I believed that for a long time. Most of my twenties and nearly into my thirties. I think things started to change when I deconstructed that thought. That overly self-reliance. I came to realize that people need people. People are social creatures. And that most of my life, I had kept everyone at arms length while shouting “nobody cares” and wondering why. Perhaps it was a form of self punishment. Like isolating myself was what i deserved. But I didnt deserve it. And nobody does. I deserved friends. And happiness. A community and compassion. People I could say “hey today is a heavy day, can I just have a hug?”

I never knew how much a simple hug could relieve the pain.

And through the relief, I rarely feel that pang of wanting to leave. I still have bad days. But i know the bad days are like the tide.

What I mean to say in all of this is that, I had to allow myself to love and be loved. It took a lot of trust. And realizing that people’s actions are about them, not me. But it made life better. Im 32 this year, getting married next year, and I have like 3 people to invite to the wedding. But that’s 3 more than I had. It’s slow to happen. But Im glad it’s happening.

I think there’s a world where you find your people. Your purposes and passions. But perhaps overly relying on yourself, perhaps keeping those walls up is keeping the love out?

Im not an expert. It’s just a thought. The world is scary and vulnerability equally so.

But regardless, I want to let you know that I appreciate you. Im proud of you. You’re doing great. You say that only you can make the decision to go forward, which is true. But maybe, just maybe, we can help you when the burden is heavy. Many of us want to. Without wanting anything in return.

I hope youre ok friend. Drink some water and take care of yourself <3

@@HeartSupport thank you for that reply.

Yeah, a lot of that resonates with me. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time to heal and open up to others yet. I dont mind talking about this type of stuff with people IRL, but it always has lead to difficult situations where my burdens and weight is too much even for others to handle.

I do think that my inability to trust and putting up walls is hurting me in a self punishment sort of way. Although I don’t think I’m ready yet to love or let myself be loved, not to mention trust another to stick around after sharing my vulnerabilities. It’s happened so often that I already know how people are going to react and I just brush it off and ghost them forever to save myself from their anger and the conversation that comes from oversharing.

There have been a few exceptions where there are a few people I still have contact with, but I don’t talk to them that often, like maybe less than 1 time every 5-6 months. It’s not that I don’t want them around, but it’s more so that they’re tiring for me to be around all the time since I’m an introvert and them being extroverts. They’re really great people, but I just want to be alone most of the time and when I do hang out with them it’s only to grab food and catch up. It’s nice to have those days but it would be nice to have someone more consistent to talk to. Although that’s for later when I’m not self sabotaging myself as much and learned to be okay with being myself a bit more.

I dont think you need an expert or someone who went through the same thing to be able to speak up on these types of issues either. You just have to come from a place of compassion and empathy, and be willing to listen to someone, in my opinion. Too often I’ve gotten the “Smile more. Just be happy. Dont talk about it. Think about other things. Talk to a professional. Get prescribed drugs if you can’t handle it.” I just wanted someone to be real with me for a minute and be as vulnerable as I was, so thank you for doing that here today. I still feel in that limbo state, but I feel a little better about my situation at least. Even if you didn’t reply with your story, I know that I would have still continued to get up every day and do the same things over and over again until I found my answer of whether I wanted to live or die. They’re scary thoughts for sure, but I just can’t help myself from having them, and I think it’s what comes afterwards that is important, especially if it’s the will to move forward despite everything feeling stagnant and unstimulating.

Thank you again for sharing. It really does make me feel a little less lonely and more understanding of my own situation