I think I cracked the code

[Amaris]

I don’t usually get upset over not being able to buy something but when it comes to think i’m REALLY genuinely interested in, I get so distraught. And its always the things that I know my family doesn’t accept or like, for example certain animes, forms or media, and fashion.

I’ve always been trying to find away or sneak around to get what I want and it only worked a ONLY few times. Other times it was a straight up no with me begging then eventually giving up.

I feel it hurts so much cause it makes me feel rejected like my interests, the way that I like to express myself is rejected. I don’t know if that makes sense but after I came to that realization I felt better.

Its a way to get validation from my family, when I do get the thing. I feel loved and validated, but when I don’t its like a slap in the face. And its not like we don’t have money to afford. We just can’t have it.

Deep down I know they will never accept the way I am. They think they already do because I don’t tell my interests and passions. When it does spill, I get weird looks. Sometimes digust.

My mom jokingly said she needs to know where im really from and that she couldn’t have given birth to me because I’m different from everyone else in the family. She assumes my interests and likes come from other influences in the family but nope, only me.

It kinda hurt my feelings. And I can’t bring that up cause she’ll call me sensitive.

But now that I’ve learned to accept myself more. I feel like I can comfortably let go now. I can let go of wanting that validation from my family.

I accepted that they won’t truly accept me for who I am and thats okay. Its hurts but its less painful now than it was before.
I told my inner child that I’ll get a job later and work extra hard to earn the things she wants.

I still feel lonely at times but I can manage. I bought a penguin plush and named him Pico

He’s gonna be my new friend. Along with my other comfort objects.

You know as I’m writing this, the more im actually starting to really feell the emotional pain of having certain aspects of myself rejected by family members.

Now I think I need to greive it first. I can’t just move on. Emotional pain takes time to heal

Now I need to really hug sometimes but Pico is in the laundry.

At least i have my little wooden japanese doll. She’s small enough to fit in my purse. She’s there when I get anxious or scard or stressed.

[Amaris]

Also I got myself a gumball from the gumball machine without feeling greedy or selfish or ashamed in the presence of my family

[Wings]

If your family gives you weird looks, it’s due to their limited world view and inability to understand the validity of tastes that are different from theirs. That’s pretty common in families.

If they come to realize that you won’t be moved or feel self conscious because of those weird looks, they might stop trying to make you feel awkward.

There’s also a chance that those weird looks are just the way they look, and you have no reason to take them personally.

I love seeing you find ways to cope with things. I think you’re pretty clever.

[Micro]

@Amaris

I accepted that they won’t truly accept me for who I am and thats okay. Its hurts but its less painful now than it was before.

This is very powerful. The way you’ve formulated it shows how much this is their problem, and not yours. As @Wings said so very rightly, if a personal taste/interest doesn’t hurt anyone, then there is objectively no reason for invalidating it. It would be actually pretty sad if everyone loved or was interested in the same things! What fills your heart makes you a passionate and interesting person to talk to whenever you would share it. The way it is received - with genuine curiosity or rejection - belongs to the listener. Others reactions and judgment will never reflect your worth nor define you, even though it does hurt when it comes from people whom we expect to accept us unconditionally. You may or may not be able to communicate those things with your direct family, but it’s okay. People don’t have to understand for you to be absolutely valid just as you are. Ultimately, what matters is to be at peace with yourself, as it will impact and radiate on your relationships too.

Hold Fast.