I think i got traumatized


I think i might be traumatized.

My first big love just told me that she needed some time to get me to know better.
Let me put some context: I met about two weeks ago the most beautiful, nice awesome person in the planet, at least to me. We had a very romantic experience this weekend, but in the end of it she clarifyed that she was confused, that she needed some time to really fall in love with me. This has left me heartbroken, I feel like i’ve been played on, like a stupid toy. She clarifyed that she was not closed to having a serious relationship with me, even after all we did in the weekend (it includes intimate sex stuff). I feel bad constantly, I just want to be woth her, and be allright and i cant even eat or breathe properly. I’m really in love, but very much deeply hurt, and i don’t think i can recover from this.

What can I do to make things work? What if she decides she is not prepared and doesn’t want to be with me? I won’t survive a “breakup” and seeing her with another person makes me want to rip my hairs off. Should I wait and keep talking and hanging out? I don’t want her out of my life…
I can’t eat, think about other things, experience sexual arousal, I’m crippling up.

Please help me, i don’t want to love again if it’s not with her.


Thank you for being brave and opening up about this. It can be a very sensitive and hard topic.
Two weeks is a very short period of time to get to know someone, I can see why she feels she doesn’t know you well enough to commit to a relationship and develop those feelings.
It probably feels very hard for you and very hurtful that you two had spent that weekend together and to hear those words.

Do you think it would help talking to a professional and maybe unpacking some things? Perhaps even unpacking how you developed such strong feelings in that two week period, explore your feelings a bit more and maybe they can help you find healing.

I wish I had the right answers for you to know what to do, because as much as we can love someone we may never know what will come of it. It’s always I guess a bit of a gamble of the heart.

Heartache can feel so final. I know it’s so cliche to say, but time really is a healer. Perhaps if you talk to a professional you could also discuss whether your heart is in the right space to pursue this and risk further hurt. Or if it turns out that you two do start to take it a bit slower and get to know each other, you can discuss healthy ways to find solutions if there are any roadblocks.

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@Bjorn, It’s good that you’ve found someone that you really enjoy being with. It sounds like it’s a brand new relationship. And relationships take time to develop. It takes time to get to know someone and we don’t all move forward at the same pace. Reading what you have written, it sounds like she likes you and wants to get to know you better. That’s really good.

It may help you to take a step back and see that your feelings have moved faster than hers have but that doesn’t mean that she is leaving you. She needs more time to get to know you. If you can let her have that time to know you better as a person and to let her feelings for you develop, you may find that you will actually have a romance. Yes, keep hanging out with her without pressuring her to move too fast. It sounds like she may be worth the wait.

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Hello @Bjorn

Welcome back.

I’m so happy that you’ve found someone who you care about and want to have a relationship with. It’s awesome to be able to love someone, but it’s really hard when they are not progressing the same. For some people, it takes a little longer to “fall in love” and for some it’s a pretty scary thing, because of past breakups or things that have happened in their life.

I think one thing that would be good to remember is that she wants to get to know you better. This means that she is interested in you and sees a potential future with you. I think this is awesome and it doesn’t mean that she is going to break up with you at all. It’s actually a good thing.

I feel like taking things slow like going on dates and sitting and talking is important and it will allow her to get to know you better. Just be yourself and show her who you are and give her time.

You got this :slight_smile:

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Thanks for all the comments

I’ll give some updates: I have stopped eating normal amounts of food, terribly underfed.
I feel incredibly bad, guilty and filled with fear. This is definitely the worse, but the good news is that I have been fixing things with her, getting to her paste, we live somewhat away from each other, and we get to hang out in the weekends.
I don’t know what is my problem, really, it’s like I feel somewhat used, because she doesn’t want anything too serious I’m afraid she’d walk off with another man…

I think what hurts me the most is that she is totally indifferent to all of this, she feels bad because I feel bad, but not for her reckless attitude, she behaves in a very nihilistic manner, and it’s not turning right for her. I don’t want her to get hurt, she just doesn’t care about anything… It’s exhausting, but I like her so much… I know I can help her a bit, she is just very stubborn, and is constantly engaging in dangerous behaviours.

What should I do?

We don’t and can’t control the way others feel or think. Some people have a harder time separating intimacy with strong feelings and some people don’t necessarily correlate the two and that’s okay. This is why open communication and boundaries are important.

If she feels that she wants to take her time to get to know you or even if she feels like she wants to get to know other people, that’s her personal decision and you have to respect that, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then that’s okay, it just means either you discuss that and if she disagrees then maybe it’s okay to walk away. Now just because one persons feelings are valid doesn’t mean the other’s aren’t.
She deserves just as much right to Choose her own path, and if she does get hurt then I’m sure she can reach out to her support network around her.

Again I do think talking to a professional would be really beneficial, but that’s a personal opinion.
Sometimes the lines of love and infatuation get easily blurred and we can seek to depend on outside love to fill the void of self love. It’s important to develop those emotionally secure relationships so neither party is dependant on the other to fulfil that role that we can only fill ourselves.

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