The more I think about my dad, the more I don’t like him. Growing up in an unstable home, he never stood up for me, was VERY passive, didn’t acknowledge the abuse that was going on/was naive to it, and I feel like I resent him for that. He’s a nice guy and I think he means well and does care for me, but never cared for me the way I needed. I can’t make him change his perception of my mom (the abuser), I can’t make him understand the pain I went through. I’ve tried to explain to him that my mom isn’t a good person and all I got back was “she loves you” “she did everything out of love” and downplays my trauma.
About a week ago, he messaged me, saying hello and told me that my mom has been crying (I’m guessing over me cutting her off)…I don’t know if I’m overreacting or being petty, but it really irritated me how me cutting her off is my fault, like I’m the one who has caused all of this pain. Why is it my problem if she’s crying? Is that insensitive? Am I a bad person for wanting to cut my dad off also? I have the urge to write him a strongly worded message, just telling him what I really think of him but I don’t know if that would help. I just really hate him in this stage of my life, at the least. I’m angry that he married her, I’m angry that he never stood up for me, and I honestly don’t want to speak to him ever again. Is it okay to just ghost him? I just don’t know what to do. I get so angry whenever he messages me. Like NOW he wants to be emotionally available. NOW he wants to figure out what’s wrong. He messaged me last night asking for me to reply to him so he doesn’t need to worry about me. Now he’s worried? It really triggers me when he says stuff along the lines about worrying about me, I got that a lot growing up, even though there was nothing wrong and I was capable of taking care of myself, so seeing him write that was really triggering, even if it was meant with good intent. I just don’t care anymore. Call me a bad person, call me petty, call me heartless, I don’t care about my dad anymore. I feel ugly saying it, but it’s true. He was never able to be a father to me and do what I needed him to do the most, which is be on my side and stand up for me to the monster that’s his wife. I want to ghost him, cut him off, I don’t want him in my life anymore. The only thing stopping me from cutting him off is guilt and I don’t want to make him sad. Again, I know he means well but I feel like that isn’t enough. I could go on and on about this, but I would just be going in circles. Thanks for listening
Update: I wrote back to him and said this:
“I don’t understand why you needed to tell me that she was crying and feeling upset, I feel like you don’t understand that I don’t want to see her or hear about her. I know it must be difficult, but I cut her off for a reason and cutting her off has improved my life significantly. I also don’t understand how you don’t see that she needs to go to therapy and is not a good parent, and you’re very passive with her behavior. If she’s sad and upset, maybe considering therapy/continuing therapy would be beneficial for her”
I sound like a bitch but I just couldn’t control my anger. I’ve never really spoken to my dad like this, but I tried to hold back as much as possible. Any advice would be great
Hiya, @nicole_kaley 
The depth of your words are clear, and I know that it takes a lot of courage to open up about such a painful and emotional experience. You shouldn’t need to go through all this turmoil just to have a respectful, loving relationship with one of your parents. Confronting the intense emotions you feel isn’t easy, especially when it involves your relationship with your father and the trauma you’ve endured. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge and honor them.
As a parent, the main role is to protect your children, no matter what the cost is. Parenting is the ultimate sacrifice, that should be taken seriously. You grew up within an unsafe, unstable and unloving environment. This situation left scars that will be difficult to heal from. Whilst my situation isn’t the same, I grew up in the absence of my dad, and even at the age of 23 I resent and hate the man. Yes, I want tot forgive him as he’s my parent, but god I hate the man. It’s normal to feel resentment, anger and frustration. You deserved to feel safe and supported, and it’s heartbreaking that your father wasn’t able to provide that for you.
Like me, you made numerous attempts to let your father hear your pain, anger on frustration, only to be met with dismissive and invalidating tone. It’s incredibly hurtful when someone you love fails to acknowledge the depth of your suffering, especially when it’s caused by another family member. Your father failed to accept the reality of your mother’s behaviour, all in the name of peace, which frankly is sickening and deeply troubling. If I ever had a child, I would move hell and earth to protect them. Don’t let this experience ever doubt your abilities.
Making the difficult decision to cut contact with both of your parents is incredibly difficult. However, given the situation I would do the same. Protecting your mental and emotional well-being should be your top priority, and if maintaining a relationship with your father continues to cause you distress and exacerbate your trauma, then it’s perfectly acceptable to distance yourself from him. You cannot remain in a situation that will break you.
Your response to his recent message, while understandably fueled by anger and frustration, was a courageous attempt to assert your boundaries and communicate your needs. It’s essential to set boundaries to protect yourself from further harm, even if it means confronting uncomfortable truths and risking conflict. You have every right to express your feelings and advocate for your own healing and well-being.
It’s natural to feel guilty about the prospect of cutting off contact with your father, especially when you’re sensitive to his potential sadness. However, it’s crucial to remember that prioritizing your own mental and emotional health doesn’t make you selfish or heartless. You have endured enough pain and suffering, and you deserve to create a life that feels safe, nurturing, and free from toxic influences.
As you navigate this challenging journey, I encourage you to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide validation, empathy, and guidance. Healing from childhood trauma is a complex and ongoing process, but with time, self-compassion, and support, it is possible to find peace and resolution.
Above all, please remember that you are not alone in this struggle. Your experiences matter, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be seen, heard, and valued for who you are.
Sending so much love, I’m happy to provide further advice if needed 
**With enormous love
EvilGenius🧡 **
Thank you very much for your kind words, your reply honestly made me cry. I feel a bit of a weight off of my shoulders now that I’ve replied to him and said my peace, I will definitely take your response/advice into account moving forward:) thank you again, hope you have a good day
@nicole_kaley, My friend. You are so not a bad person, and even less heartless. The way you feel and how your dad’s message trigger you are completely valid reactions. You’re feeling the weight of years of silence and injustice, which is magnified whenever something comes from him, even when it is said with good intentions. Anger is a strong, powerful emotion, and it’s healthy to feel it - even if it may come off as scary at first if you have been used to repress all of that to survive. There will be a time in your life when you will feel more peace, and it’s okay if for now there’s just a lot of anger and bitterness. It’s yet another side of pain and sadness, which remains connected altogether.
The words you said to your dad were not mean in any way. It was very honest and stating facts. It’s so hard and frustrating when someone you needed so much from seems to be stuck in their own denial/pain somehow. Understandbly so - it’s difficult for a parent to admit that they failed greatly and to see their child in pain. It’s hard to accept that we have to be held accountable to some extent, and I can only imagine how it is when we’re a parent. Still, it would be a beautiful mark of vulnerability and love if he could hear you out really and everything you have to say. I do hope that he could meet you at this emotional level one day, and learn from the regrets or remorse he could feel once the door would be open.
You are a loving, caring, courageous person. I’m proud of you.
Thank you Micro, you always give such great advice, I really appreciate your words.
I’m grappling still with what I should do. I do think the best thing for me to do is to cut him off, but is it right to ghost him? I don’t have anything else left to say to him honestly and just want this over with. I just wanna move on. Hope you’re doing well!
This is of course just a personal take - the decisions you make will be absolutely yours and to be respected. No matter what, you have my support.
To me personally, ghosting comes with an added burden of knowing that the other person has no “closure”, not even an idea that you are not willing to communicate anymore, so they may keep showing up and insisting rather than trying to acknowledge your boundaries and respect it. They will find themselves at a different level of communication and may keep soliciting you, which is stressful.
To me, letting my parents know - first my mom, then my dad - that I would stop communicating with them, was a way to really put a hand between us and tell them “stop”. I think, selfishly, that I just didn’t want to worry about what they could think or imagine, to not let them in this strange state of hoping for something that wouldn’t come, especially because I was still feeling somehow indebted/obligated to keep being there for them. If I knew in the back of my mind that they would be waiting for something, or for me, I would probably feel today like my new freedom isn’t real, and somehow just a parenthesis before getting back to them.
All my childhood I’ve also put their emotions/reactions/feelings before mine, and to me ghosting would have been another way to avoid a more “confrontational” side of me that I repress most of the time. Stating my needs and having an open communication - even though uncomfortable - was also a way to make myself visible and openly legitimate my needs - the same I’ve put aside for so long.
I guess, I wanted to ensure that they would at least know where I’m at, even if they wouldn’t necessarily understand, or even less accept it. Because that way they know where I stand, they know why I won’t respond if they try to contact me, and the responsibility of insisting or not would be on them. I think it’s just a way to ensure some more safety and peace of mind on my end, between my and myself. Because my position was clear and official, it was also clearer to me during times when I would doubt this very decision. I would know that I wasn’t running away or hiding away from them - I was standing for myself and they are fully aware of it/can’t pretend otherwise. All I communicated though was written/emails, which was a much more manageable medium to me.
I don’t know if any of the above helps or resonates with you - but hoping it can help a bit. Ultimately, you have the absolute right to ghost him and to not engage anymore. Even if it’s about our parents, we are in no obligation to keep engaging into communications that are hurting us. What I would encourage you with, is to take a pause and try to envision what that would look like for you - between ghosting him or openly communicating to him that you would step away/stop communicating from there. To me personally, ghosting is what I did at first because I was in a state of avoidance. I was avoiding the moment I would stand up in front of them and say it’s over. Somehow, stating boundaries and my intentions openly was also healing in a way.
There are subtle ways that either avoiding or “confronting” (respectfully) can affect us, and I believe it’s just good practice to try to reflect on how it could affect you personally, so you can make a decision that protects you the most and will support you during times of doubt, stress, grief. Because guilt and doubt can arise easily, I think it’s just important to make sure we feel at peace with our decisions and the way we communicate them.
In either case, you will not be wrong. It’s about building new pathways, exploring them, and composing with how things are in the present moment. You do what is good and safe for you, which is more than enough.