I think I have resentment towards (attractive) women

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Not in the sense of “all women are liars and emotional abusers”, but in the sense of “why are you posting a photo of yourself being extremely attractive? Are you mocking my ugliness, saying I’ll never have that, that I’ll die completely alone and worthless? Are you actively trying to make me end my life?”

By the same token, when I See a attractive woman online or in real life who I perceive as being single, I use every opportunity I have to try and make her my girlfriend. Yet, all of them are either married or have boyfriends.

I want to break this vicious cycle, yet my heart will refuse to do it.

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I get the resentment and I get where you are. I was there as well. I had to learn to love myself and think of myself as more than an ugly piece of shit, which is easier said than done. I suggest you focus on yourself, and try therapy to help you, and stop trying to force a relationship to happen. Once you stop looking, and kinda let things happen, it will come to you. I had 4 emotionally and verbally abusive ex’s, and thought that I would never have anything better. I thought I was a worthless piece of shit and that it was the best I’d ever get. Now I’m talking to someone who’s supportive and amazing, and it came, once I stopped looking and just focused on myself. Things will get better man

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(age 20, F) I guess the first step is to find the root of it. Were you ever hurt by “type” of someone that you’re describing? Or someone influential in your life had a hatred for this type? I know a lot of my issues with jealousy or envy or bitterness stem from someone hurting me. I grew up around a lot of bitter women who were bitter at the world. Women who were bitter because their husbands were bitter towards them. So I have always had this problem of getting along with women, feeling jealous or feeling close to other female friends. And this stems back to my experience with other women with strong personalities who hated the world. Slowly, since I’ve become aware of this, I’ve began to heal from it. It takes baby steps to get out the cycle, so don’t be hard on yourself, but be aware of your trauma and your behaviour so that way we can get healthier together :slight_smile:

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Hey friend, as someone who has struggled with these same feelings for a long time let me say that I’m sorry you have to deal with them. You’re not alone.

I have a rare medical condition and have tumors in my face, my head, and my neck. I’ve always been self-conscious of the way I look, and for a long time I always approached any type of social interaction with a “reject them before they can reject you mentality”.

I don’t want to be the one to invalidate your feelings, but let me tell you as someone who held that type of resentment for a long time, that is NOT something you want to hold on to. It serves no purpose in your life other than to hurt your own heart and to sink yourself deeper into a pit of defensiveness and isolation. You need to learn to let it go, to let others be who they are and for you to be you and being comfortable in that. How you do that is up to whatever works best for you; it could be talking to someone, or it could be writing about it like you did here.

I want you to try looking at things through this lens: the individuals you see as “beautiful” or as “attractive” cannot do anything about their looks anymore than what you can about whatever you believe your own flaws are. Just as they enjoy taking pride in their looks, I would encourage you to find reasons to take pride in yourself as well; learning to love yourself allows you to appreciate yourself deeper than your surface features, and demonstrates those values to those around you as well. Take up a hobby, take pride in your work, volunteer somewhere, however you can love for yourself needs to come before anybody else. You attract more PEOPLE to you by being a better human being, not for how you do or don’t look.

It’s completely normal, especially as a young person, to want to find a relationship especially when it seems like everyone around you is in one. But none of this is worth the cost of giving up on yourself because you don’t feel like you can meet some arbitrary societal standard of attractiveness. Pardon my language, but fuck society. They’re not the ones who have to live your life, you do. For your own sake, be the best you that you can be.

I would really encourage you to talk to someone man, I would hate to see you become another person stuck in this resentful mindset. If you’re open to it, HeartSupport has a 7-day free trial with BetterHelp: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

There are lyrics in a song by the band August Burns Red called ‘Meridian’, and they read “I am the painter - making this mess - a masterpiece”. Turn your life into a work of art. You are the painter, treat it with care and respect, and be kind to yourself when you mess up because it only has to be beautiful in your eyes to be complete.

You’re not alone @DPP21. You’re loved. Hold fast.

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I understand what you are saying, and I would love nothing more than to follow it, but I HAVE to find someone attractive as a partner, I HAVE to find a better hobby than play video games, I HAVE to find some way to make myself attractive to the world at large. Why? Cause Society has power, I don’t.

If Society tells you that’s you must follow these specific set of rules and norms, even if you yourself believe them to be wrong, you would have to do it cause Society has the power to make your life a living hell. To put it in perspective, it’ll be like saying “fuck God”, when God has the power to erase your entire existence from reality. And that’s why I have resentment. Cause I don’t have power, and never will.

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You have more power than you think my friend <3

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Do I have the power to create my own Universe, free from earth’s claws, where I can live and rule like a God?

No? Then I don’t have power.

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You say things like “I HAVE to find someone attractive as a partner, I HAVE to find a better hobby than play video games” and I’m just wondering, where are these ideas coming from exactly? Are they your own thoughts, or are they ideas that someone else has communicated to you or put in your head? Society is something that is constructed by all of us, as individuals, collectively. A few decades ago society told people that they HAD TO be attracted to the opposite sex, that woman HAD to have babies and live in the home, you see where I’m going with this.

Societal standards may be prevalent or considered the “norm,” but they change over time and by no means have to dictate your life. YOU are in charge of your own destiny. If you want to play video games, do it, if you love someone who isn’t conventionally “attractive” who cares? Do what makes you happy and stop worrying about what you are SUPPOSED to do. As long as you are not hurting anyone that is!

You have such a defeatist attitude and I’m just having trouble understanding why. It’s not like society is some concrete thing, that controls your life? YOU control your life, your actions and how you handle what happens around you. Therefore I would argue that you DO have the power to create your own universe (metaphorically of course). Give yourself some more credit! You know what makes you happy, so stop listening to what “society” thinks and just be yourself! I hope this helps.

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These ideas that I have, both thoughts I have,
And things communicated to me. I HAVE to find someone Attractive as my partner or else, I’ll feel like I’m a failure as a man. But, when I say that I play video games as a hobby, The internet will tell me that is too basic, and that I HAVE to find something more unique. Not only, but as someone who’s never even hold hands with a girl, despite being 27, I’m told, by the internet and society at large, that my worth as a human being is less than nothing.

You are right that Society does change overtime, but some things will never change about society, things that have made my life a living hell.

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I wouldn’t listen to anything the “internet” says (minus HeartSupport of course! lol). Also, hobbies are not designed for other people’s judgement, they are hobbies because you enjoy doing them! I am 29 and I enjoy scrapbooking, do my friends call me an old lady? Of course they do! Because it’s not a hobby that you would expect someone under 60 years old to enjoy, but I still do it because it makes me happy! Play video games if you love them, don’t worry about people telling you that you or your activities are not “unique” enough, that is so silly of them to even think or say! You are who you are, and you enjoy what you enjoy! That is what makes you unique in the first place (see the irony here?) I really believe you will be much happier if you can stop prioritizing other people’s opinion above your own.

Also, I’d like to point out that even if you did secure an “attractive” partner now, everyone ages so it is a dangerous mentality to place beauty as such a high priority in your life as well. Even the most beautiful girl in the world will age, grow wrinkly and saggy, that’s life. And that’s why you have to learn to love someone for who they are, and not what they look like. That is the only kind of love that will last anyway (in my opinion.)

Also, please do not worry about being 27 and not as sexually experienced as others. I think you would be surprised at how many people may find your experience as charming. Most humans tend to be jealous creatures, so if someone falls in love with you, then they won’t have to feel the painful emotions of having to think about you with someone else. They also won’t have to deal with jealous feelings towards ex lovers (which is often a point of contention for couples). I hope this helps and I hope you can feel better about all this!

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Women (and men) with serious insecurities about themselves and/or their appearance, tend to be the ones who post loads of glamourous photos (often a lot of make-up or provocative poses) on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. They’re not trying to make you upset or depressed or suicidal. For every woman posting photos like this, there are 49 who are not!

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Something to keep in mind that is actually really freeing: people are not constantly doing things for or against you. When a woman you think is attractive posts a photo of herself, she’s not doing it to make you mad. Take a step back and analyze WHY you are reacting this way. I saw in a reply you said you feel societal pressure to have an attractive gf but have never had a gf. It sounds like you are angry at these women because you think you are supposed to have a woman like that for a gf and you currently do not. That is not women’s fault.

Society tells each of us a lot of things that are bs and make us angry at ourselves. The women you direct what you recognize as unfair anger towards, remember the same society places immense pressure on them to fit into a very narrow definition of “attractive.” I guarentee you those women don’t like a lot of things about themselves, or went through hell figuring out how to embrace themselves and stand tall against that societal pressure.

I would recommend you find ways to stand up to societal pressure too. A support group helps. Try sites like Meetup and find meet ups in your area about things you’re interested in to make new friends. If a relationship is something you eventually want, you need to learn to be happy with the person you are, or become someone you can be happy with, and let go of your unfair anger towards women. You can’t enter into a relationship because society tells you to do so, or because you think the relationship will “fix” something about yourself. Believe me, it won’t be that magic fix you’re hoping for. You have to be happy with yourself first :slight_smile:

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