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I think I’m tired of living

I was raped when I was 12. I was exposed when I was 12. I was raped again when I was 15. I just turned 16 on June 15th and I’m tired. I physically cannot get out of bed in the morning. 4 letters and 3 suicide attempts, I’m still here. I told myself I was going to have one more chance to get better. I know I can’t. I couldn’t get better. It was the last straw. I don’t want to do this anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see. I will never ever be good enough and that’s okay. I’m okay with not being enough. Because when I take my last breaths, no one will care. It will be hush. No one will miss me. And that’s okay. I’m not scared to let go and end my life. I look forward to it.

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Hey, I’m sorry to hear about what happened. But theres always a light at the end of the tunnel you might not see it now but eventually things will become better. Hang in there! I’m sure everyone on here is ready to support you on your journey. There will always be a better tomorrow!

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Hey @OliviaNia. I’m sorry about what happened to you. You didn’t deserve to be raped. It’s a terrible crime. Have you reported what happened to the police? You don’t have to answer, but if you haven’t, I think it would be a good idea to file a report so the person is on their radar.

I understand how you feel, although my circumstances are probably a little different than yours. I was sexually molested for two years, from ages of 10 to 12, by a close member of my family. Molestation. It’s just another word for being raped. Being sexually abused is a terrible thing to have to deal with. Your body was violated against your wishes. Then you can’t get the pain and the terror out of your mind. Even if it’s in your unconscious mind, it haunts you.

But I want to tell you that there is getting “better.” You’ll always be wary around people until they earn your trust, and you’ll have the terror of the rape running through your soul for at least a little while and even certain things will trigger a flashback, which you can’t really control unless you can avoid whatever is causing it. But you can get better. It takes a lot of work, by seeing a counselor who can help you work through it, and maybe even taking a prescription, before you can find your new normal after events like this. This isn’t something you can go about alone. At least, not easily. It isn’t easy with a counselor, either, but it’s better than going it alone.

You are good enough just as you are. You deserve to have a fulfilling life. You are beautiful. You matter.
Please don’t give up.

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@Daisy I feel like everything was my fault. I could’ve pushed him off me, but I could only bring myself to say no and stop. I wasn’t the only girl he did it to. And I feel like maybe if I said something, other girls would have been safe from him. But I was a coward and couldn’t stop him and I couldn’t speak up. I feel is hands all over me. I feel used and dirty. I feel as if I am playing such an insignificant role in life. I come from a broken home, a broken family. I don’t have much. I hold onto my faith but I’m tired of feeling so small. What’s the point in feeling little if I have the opportunity to not feel at all? I feel as if I am in a room full of people but no one can see me, no one can hear me. No one is paying attention. No one cares. I’m utterly lost and broken. I’m lonely. I need help.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. It’s not your fault. You didn’t ask him to do this. You asked for the complete opposite, actually. You said no, and that was enough. He should have stopped. It was his choice to rape you, it wasn’t your choice to be raped. It’s not your fault that he raped other girls. He chose to rape them. It was HIS choice.

It’s normal to be scared of reporting someone who has hurt you. It’s scary to think about what might happen if you report someone of a wrong doing. What if no one believes he did it? What if you report it and nothing happens and he does it again to you? Or to someone else? And then blames what he did on you for reporting it? What if people see you as less than what you truly are? What if all people have is pity for the poor soul who didn’t protect herself? What if that’s all other people can see is someone who’s been raped and is dirty and disgusting for having been forced? I don’t know if those are the thoughts that run through your mind, but that’s just a few of the things that have run through my mind. There’s so much more that are more specific to me, like things he said to me to keep me from reporting him, just as there’s specific things you think and feel because of your situation. I know how it feels to feel dirty, and I know it’s hard to forget the touch of being forced.

Being scared is a valid feeling. It doesn’t make you a coward. It makes you a human who was traumatized and it makes you someone who’s scared that it might happen again. You’re strong for making it this long without any support from the people in your immediate vicinity. This is a hard thing to deal with psychologically, emotionally.

It’s never too late to make a difference. If you haven’t filed a report, again, I’d urge you to contact the police and file a report. It puts him on their radar. He may even go on the sex offender list. If he does and he ever moves, people will be able to find out that he’s a serial rapist.

I know you don’t have support from your family, and I’m sorry for that. If you can, find a counselor to help you. Look for anonymous support groups in your area. I know school is out, but if you can’t find something before school starts again, talk to the school guidance counselor and let the person know you need help. Check out rainn.org. They are there to help with sexual assault survivors. They have places all over the US (assuming you’re in the US) where you can get help. If they don’t have anything in your area, maybe they can suggest somewhere for you to look for help.

You deserve to get help. You deserve to feel better. You are important and you matter.

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@Daisy I haven’t told my mom yet. My mom is super supportive but I’m her baby girl. I’m so young and she barely wants me dating. I don’t want her to be disappointed. I want to go the the authorities but I feel like that would require my mom knowing and I don’t know if I’m ready yet. I’m kinda bottling it up at the moment. My mom knows that I’ve self harmed in the past and she knows about my suicide attempts, she wanted me to get help but I knew we didn’t have the money so I always refused. She knows I’m upset but I never told her why. I’m scared to tell her that I was sexually assaulted because it’s something that I can barely come to terms with myself. I do good for a few weeks and then I crash and burn again. It’s a never ending cycle. I’m going in circles.

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@OliviaNia

Friend, my heart goes out to you. And I want to really echo our dear friend @Daisy here: it was not your fault. You didn’t do or said anything that would have influenced their decision to assault you. You didn’t ask for any of this. This guilt that you feel is absolutely natural, your emotions are real and valid, but the beliefs that make you feel this way are not true nor fair to yourself. Saying no is not that easy. Pushing someone off is not that easy. You were scared and your reaction was abolutely natural and justified. You were not a coward. And you are still not. You are not to blame. He is to blame, he did that, not you.

You are being so strong by reaching out here and sharing about what happened to you. I’m aware that it may not feel like that to you right now. But we see you here, we hear you, and we can reflect to you your own strength. Too much time has been spent in silence. And this fear, this guilt, this shame are not yours to carry. This is a burden you don’t need nor deserve. You were the victim of someone else’s behavior and hatred. It was not your fault. It will never be your fault.

I spent too many years being silent about what happened to me - being molested as a child and raped a decade later. I could have avoided a lot of useless pain if I reached out earlier. I was so scared. I spent most of my life feeling disgusting and ashamed. It felt like everything would collapse if I would say something. I was afraid that people would go away if they knew. I convinced myself that I was some kind of monster. But those were only fears - even though they were really strong and crippling.

Friend, I know how hard it is to actually reach out - and I want to thank you for doing it here -, but if you feel like your mom would be understanding and supportive, please don’t give up on trying to talk to her. There is no right or wrong way to share what happened to you. You don’t have to come to terms with what happened to you to reach out. It’s actually because it’s hard to deal with this alone that reaching out is needed. What you have to say and what’s in your heart right now matters. You don’t have to bottle up. You don’t have to suffer by yourself and run in circles again and again. It is scary, it really is. It feels like being at the edge of a cliff and not knowing what’s going to happen. But you will be okay. And people who love you can be a safety net for you through this situation. They can be a pillar of strength when you need it. This community is here for you as well. You are not alone, friend. We see you. We care about you. And you deserve all the help you need to go through this.

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@OliviaNia, May I ask what you think is going to disappoint your mom? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. But as @Micro said, if you feel as if your mom is supportive, you can still talk to her about this. She would be the one who would be able to help you the best, since she could get you the help you need to overcome this. Telling someone you were raped is hard, but it’s even harder to live with what happened without the support of those who are closest to you. Obviously you shouldn’t tell her what happened until you’re ready, but I doubt when you do tell her that she’s going to be disappointed. It’s more likely she’ll be sad that you were hurt. I know you said you’re worried about money, but honestly, getting help to feel better is more important than the money. If you’re too worried about it, your mom could help you to look for free resources in your area, things you can utilize until going to see a counselor is an option. And as Micro said, we’re here to listen to you. You don’t have to be alone in this. I’m glad you came here.

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[quote=“OliviaNia, post:1, topic:15642”]
I’m okay with not being enough. Because when I take my last breaths, no one will care. It will be hush. No one will miss me.
That statement directly contradicts this one.

Your Mom loves you, supports you, and is on your team. She would be devastated if you committed suicide. I think she’d also be devastated if she knew you were raped, not disappointed. How can she hold that against you? Would she be disappointed if you were mugged at a gas station? Or would she want to find the assailant and tear them apart for hurting her baby girl? Echoing the others on here, it’s not your fault!

I can’t imagine trying to come to terms with sexual assault. But you came here and found that other people can help you and be strong for you. Your mom will probably really upset when you tell her, but she can be strong for you too. Your mom is “other people.” Even though she’s your mom, having her on your side means you’re not alone, and that you don’t have to carry this burden by yourself anymore. It sounds to me like she’s upset that, as it stands, she doesn’t know what’s wrong with you and can’t help her baby girl get better. That’s something she wants to do for you, and it is not a sign of weakness to let her. Being vulnerable takes strength and courage, but once you open up, it’ll feel like collapsing on a couch after a long day of hard work.

Money is a big issue for a lot of people seeking help. But if you had cancer, do you not think your mom would spend every last dollar she had trying to get you better? Or to flip the script, if she was sick, wouldn’t you want to beg borrow and steal to give her a fighting chance? We dismiss mental health problems as just demons in our heads, stuff not to bother treating; but mental health is as vital as physical health, can affect physical health, and in this case poor mental health is threatening your life. Counseling is usually covered by insurance to a degree, and if it’s not then @daisy has even more resources you can turn to.

You are valuable. You are loved. You are not alone. And you are not at fault.

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@Daisy I guess you can say I am my moms golden child. I never get in trouble and everyone thinks I’m okay. I know I’m not okay. I have to run around my aunts house trying to hide my scars because no one knows except my mother. My sister just recently got up and left us. So I feel like putting all of this on my mom would cause her to be angry with me. Angry that I waited that long to tell her. I tried telling her last night but I couldn’t get the words out so she just held me crying. Most of the time I don’t think she understands the amount of pain I’m in. She usually tells me to wipe my tears and move on with life. She’s a great mom but it’s just tough love. My mom hasn’t gone through anything like this before so I don’t know how she’d react

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Despite the fact that you are the “golden child,” that you try to be a good person and not do anything wrong, your mom knows that you’re a person who can do wrong at times, and she knows you can be hurt by others. No one is perfect, even when they try to be. And unfortunately, things happen. Trauma’s happen. They can happen to anyone.

It sounds as if your mom really cares about you a lot, and it sounds as if she’s willing to take on this burden with you. Maybe she’ll be angry initially, because you didn’t tell her, but I think she’ll be more sad that you were hurt than anything. As SheetMetalHead said, imagine it was something else that happened to you. How angry would she be then? What about reversing it and it was something she came to you about and told you? Would you be angry if it happened to her? The decision on when to tell her is your decision, that is something that you control, but try to remember that waiting longer won’t make it any easier. If she tells you to get over it and move on, tell her it doesn’t work that way. She says that because she doesn’t understand what you’re going through, and as long as she doesn’t know, she won’t be able to begin to understand.

You can also look for support from other family members, if you trust them enough. If you have an aunt, or an uncle, or a cousin, who maybe hasn’t been through this but you know cares enough to help you, maybe who can also help you to talk to your mom, it would be worth trying. It also doesn’t hurt to get feedback and support from an outside source, like you get here.

I know I keep telling you to go to your mom for support, and I realize you may not get to the point where you’re comfortable doing that for a while, but I’m glad you came here and I hope you come back as often as you need to.

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