I think I took some big steps in therapy

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Hi everyone,

I just wanted to update those of you who have been keeping up with me and my story.

Anyways, my last therapy session was almost a week ago but I was on vacation from work and wanted to also keep my distance from the internet in general for the most part, and that was nice. Generally speaking, I think I did pretty well to not stress so much over the week but I had some health issues that made it a little less enjoyable than it probably could have been.

I realized at my last session that I really don’t give myself enough credit for making it through all of the hardships I’ve been through. I definitely very much live in the now, with the exception of making a budget plan to keep me on track to have a decent down payment for a house when my lease is up on my apartment. But since I don’t really take time to think about my past as much (at least consciously), the things I’ve been through take a back seat to the things I’m going through right now and I forget what I’m capable of. We decided I need to remind myself of what I’ve been through, and the strength I had to make it through those things, because they were arguably much more difficult than stuff I’m going through now.
After my session I continued to reflect (I am bad about overthinking stuff generally speaking.) and I realized that maybe the reason I stress so much over work and not doing enough is that I place a lot of my self worth into my work performance which is not healthy. I will be going over this in my next session.

While these things are not the easiest to sort through and make sense in my head (I know I have been through a lot but for whatever reason, my brain still needs convincing that I do a good job and I am good enough.), at least it’s someplace to start. I’m hoping that once I get to the root of why I place so much of my self worth in my job, hopefully that will help with the job stress. And as much as I would love to delve into that, I’m also trying to stop overthinking so much, so I’m trying to leave that alone until my next session.

Sorry I haven’t been around as much, but I felt that I needed a break from literally everything in my life. I hope you’ve all been able to preserve through these uncertain times, and best wishes to all of you.

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@Sapphire -

Let me tell you, this sentence alone RESONATES with me hardcore. And I am so glad that you have realized this for yourself. I think it’s a big step in the right direction when you can acknowledge that you are amazing and have made it this far.

Do not feel like you need to apologize for taking time for yourself. You have to make yourself your number one priority. Your mental health comes first. We will always be here for you. Your growth is wonderful and I am glad you are making strides with it. Take care of yourself.

<3 Tara

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This is so good @Sapphire. :hrtlegolove: I am so glad to hear about how it’s going for you with therapy - and just life in general. Thank you for sharing your progress! It’s both inspiring and encouraging to read your posts about this journey of yours.

I realized at my last session that I really don’t give myself enough credit for making it through all of the hardships I’ve been through.

If you’ve been used to move on without really slowing down and seeing those hardships as they are, then it really makes sense. It might have been your “normal” for so long that, when you finally realize that life can be different, you might need some time to actually see your past - and yourself - with a different perspective. My therapist told me recently : “you survived how you could”. She was insisting on the fact that I was stronger than I think. But her words were indeed so different from how I feel about it. Just because in my opinion, it’s how it’s been, it’s what I was used to and there was no way to escape it. It’s not like I had a choice. So it doesn’t necessarily feels like strength. But rationally I do get her point. Sometimes, I find it interesting to try to shift our focus and ask ourselves : “if this was a friend’s story, how would I see them?”.

It’s already awesome to see those hardships as they are. Now, when it’s about seeing ourselves differently, it may require to deconstruct another pile of walls. But you’re on the right track. I have no doubt you will get there, at your own pace.

From a practical standpoint, maybe you could also challenge this by trying to reward yourself when you do something that pushes you out of your comfort zone. Taking time for yourself, doing something you like, giving something to yourself, might be a way to say “I am rewarding myself because I did [X, Y, Z]” and really acknowledge the moments when you are even more brave and strong. Easier said than done, in full honesty I’m really bad at doing this, but it might be worth the try.

I’m also really glad you managed to take some distance and enjoy your break. Please never apologize for that. You deserve to take care of yourself, of your heart, and nurture your soul with simple joys of life. We all do. And that’s 100% okay. No guilt, shame, blame here.

I hope you have a wonderful day. :hrtlegolove:

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Earlier this year, I came to realize that doing my job well and getting better should be celebrations, not status quo. Nor should I see holding steady for a season as losing. Looking back, that’s huge for me. Like @Micro said though, now that I’ve conquered my performance-based identity, I am facing other twisted notions about myself that I’ll need to work on, or walls to deconstruct. For that reason, I still feel broken, but objectively speaking that’s one HUGE issue I’ve conquered.

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Thank you @tarainutah and @Micro for responding. It really helps to have people besides my husband that I can share my triumphs with as I am not comfortable enough with most of my family to talk about my mental health. They all know what I went through with the abuse and stuff and they are always saying how they thought about intervening but never did. I know they say it’s the thought that counts but I can’t help but feel a little resentment towards them because maybe if I had gotten out of that environment sooner, I would not have the problems I have today, same with my brother. I spoke to him last night as he’s not doing so well. I’m trying to get him to see a therapist because he’s been sounding suicidal and he has expressed that it is rooted in his abusive upbringing which comes as no surprise to me…

But to get back on topic, I do think I need to find ways to reward myself when I do something I didn’t think I could do. Just a couple weeks ago I remember thinking to myself while at work, Hey, this would usually cause me to have a mild panic attack and now I’m just a little nervous, it’s strange but I felt good about it. I am also being more patient with myself and my workload.

Oh! There was one thing I think I will share. Before my vacation when I was stressing a lot about work and co-workers doing things I didn’t much care for - I spoke to one of them before I left, just because I like to keep in touch as I don’t want to be one of those people who only come around when I need help. We were talking about my vacation which came 6 months into my job, nay, my new career, at which point they started patronizing me for only going 6 months when they went more than a year doing such and such things that were for some reason more noteworthy than what I’ve accomplished while also getting upset because I’m not structuring some of my training around her so she can also benefit.

I left that conversation feeling only slightly put off. I didn’t want to allow myself to take it personally and put me in a sour mood right before my vacation. My husband and I think this person may feel threatened by all the progress I’ve made while I’ve been at this place and I tend to agree, and so I will take this with a grain of sugar. People act out when they feel threatened and that is a reflection of who she is as a person - not me. And I feel like that was a big step too.

@SheetMetalHead thanks for taking the time to respond to share your experiences. I am only now in the process of making these changes. I know I do a lot, many argue I do too much and will be taken advantage of, but I just feel like if I can push myself a little harder, I need to. But that is becoming toxic for me and I need to change for my mental and physical well being.

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I know they say it’s the thought that counts but I can’t help but feel a little resentment towards them because maybe if I had gotten out of that environment sooner, I would not have the problems I have today, same with my brother.

It really makes sense to feel that. And I hope you know that it’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Only a human being processing what happened and finding meaning out of it. I feel resentment too. Not anger or hatred, but it’s mixed with a lot of regrets. I can’t help thinking “what if?”. I often wonder to which extent I am the product of abuses and traumas - to the point of wondering if I really exist sometimes. It’s tough. But I want to believe that those feelings are healthy. And acknowledging them, even more.

The fact that you’re family is aware of what happened and have regrets is positive. Something constructive can come out of it. Though, dealing with those regrets is their responsability. And your responsability is to deal with how you feel as well. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. No should or shouldn’t. Those things take time. :hrtlegolove:

I spoke to him last night as he’s not doing so well. I’m trying to get him to see a therapist because he’s been sounding suicidal and he has expressed that it is rooted in his abusive upbringing which comes as no surprise to me…

It’s awesome to hear that you’re there for him. I feel that with all my heart, as my sister and I have been struggling too, and discussing about it from time to time. As we went through the same things, she is the one who understands me the most. We both process things at our own pace, but also differently. It’s precious to have this relationship.

I’m glad your brother and you have each other. Just because it can be so hard to explain the despair that growing up in an abusive environment can cause, even years and years after. I really hope your brother will give a try to therapy. I bet your own experience could be very precious and inspiring to him - even if taking those steps is very scary.

Just a couple weeks ago I remember thinking to myself while at work, Hey, this would usually cause me to have a mild panic attack and now I’m just a little nervous, it’s strange but I felt good about it. I am also being more patient with myself and my workload.

That’s truly awesome! Especially since you had this realization when it happened, and not like X hours or days after. If you’re into journaling or writing in general, maybe having a notebook and writing down those victories when you notice one could be a way to have a “physical” proof of your efforts and strength. :slight_smile:

People act out when they feel threatened and that is a reflection of who she is as a person - not me. And I feel like that was a big step too.

100%. And in this kind of situation, no matter what you do or say, you’re likely to be perceived through this lens of being a “threat” anyway. There’s not a lot you could do, except to keep being you.

Actually the things that your coworkers told you shouldn’t have been said to you. You weren’t there before, and even if they feel some kind of inequality between you, it’s not up to you to change the situation, but your boss. They shared things that are out of your control, and you certainly don’t need nor deserve to feel any guilt about it. Good thing you left that conversation. Your can understand their perspective to some extent, but when someone tries to guilt you for something unfair then boundaries are more than welcome. At least, there’s a time for everything. And vacations are… vacations! :smile:

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Hmm… I hadn’t considered this. I don’t know if what they feel is regret. Maybe the very reason they brought it up is that they feel guilty about it all. Who knows? Not I. Maybe that’s their way of expressing that they are sorry for how things turned out.

But I’m glad to know I’m not the only one feeling resentment about things. At least it shows me that it’s not just me being overly harsh or whatever. At the same time I am trying to be better about being okay with how I am feeling at any given time because I think another reason I have such problems with anxiety and stuff is because I repressed all of my emotions for so long that just got out of control and I don’t want that to happen again.

I honestly don’t know if I would still be alive right now if it wasn’t for my brother, and to be honest he was the only person in my life that I trusted until I met my husband. I couldn’t imagine life without him so I’m trying so hard to get him to feel better. I recommended him some counseling centers in our area and took the time to let him vent his frustrations to me. Unlike me, he is good at expressing himself, but I think he’s surrounded himself with toxic people that make him feel worthless.

For once I agree. There was a time years ago when I probably would’ve felt like a horrible person - like I had no right to take a break so soon, like I broke my word to help her by including her in my training (even though to be completely honest I don’t recall telling her this and she has had opportunities to help me in the same way and didn’t) and I probably would have stressed about it during the duration of my vacation. Which thankfully I didn’t. I still don’t know if I should approach my manager about this or not. I have heard that this person has a way of running people the wrong way before I was ever around and so it seems to just be that person and I don’t know if any good would even come of me bringing it up, although I have no doubts that my manager would listen - she values the mental and physical well being of her team and their families. For this I am very lucky.

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