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I think I was raped..(TRIGGER WARNING)

I went to visit my boyfriend for 6 months, me and him have been dating online for a while so this was a big step for me and the relationship. One night, I was really tired and he wanted to have sex with me. I told him I was really tired and I didn’t want to do it that night. We both fell asleep but then about an hour later, he woke up and he started moving on top of me. He was naked and I knew what he was doing. I told him no and he kept insisting. He went as far as to say “Just let this happen, I’ll make it quick, please” and eventually after countless times of me telling him I didn’t want to, he did it anyways. I told him about it the following morning and he denies ever remembering it happening. He said “I must’ve been half asleep”. I had been fearful of falling asleep next to him ever since… My boyfriend was the one I lost my virginity to, so I wasn’t sure if it was normal for it to happen…but ever since then I’ve felt very unsettled about it, and extremely upset about it. I feel so sick and ill because of it…I feel violated. When me and him talk about sex now, he only wants to do it if I perform oral with him…and I made it clear I didn’t want that. Now he’s telling me that “oh it’s just all about you” because I made boundaries with him on that. He tells me that we need to work out compromises on sex and that I shouldn’t just say no to everything except one thing. I’m so in love with him that I can’t break up with him. I don’t know what to do, I’m lost. God would be so ashamed of me because I lost my virginity… I feel so hopeless.

Hey, I’m sorry that you went through this. I’ve seen a video today that might help you. Maybe it’s a sign that God wants you too see it https://youtu.be/chmsWGNQH4E .

Sex is completely normal, non consensual sex is however not, you said no and he went trough with it this is violating you and your bounderies if he keeps denying what happened that night I’m sorry to say but he doesn’t sound like a good person at all.
He’s abusing you emotionally and physically.

If he doesn’t want to change I’d say get out of it before it gets worse, you deserve someone that loves and respects every part of you.

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I’m not religious, but I know for a fact that God will forgive you, because for one, he loves everyone and everyone makes mistakes, and two, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t consent.
Tbh, it sounds like this guy doesn’t respect you. I know you may love him, but just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they are a good person.
He took advantage of you and violated you. Do what is best for yourself. No guy that you’re in a relationship with should cause you to feel the way you are feeling.

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I would say report it, but that would just you tons of more stress and rarely get any justice. Ditch him immediately and never meet him again. Block him on your phone and email too. If he harasses or stalks you in any way, then report him to the Police and explain the whole story to get an Injunction against him.

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