TW: suicidal thoughts
Hi again. I hope you are doing well.
The last few days have been exhausting but i have completed some things including moving to my brothers place. The problem is i dont feel any joy or any positive emotion. I just feel tired numb and empty. Most things dont interest me and those that do only for a little while. I dont feel exited for the future or for anything really. I feel like dying again. My brothers apartment is quite high so i take comfort in the fact that i can end my life without much preparation whenever i want to.
I feel like i am meant to kill myself. The first time i thought of killing myself i was like 9 or 10. And the first time i tried i was 13. The thing is things are really not that bad right now. Compared to a lot of other people here my life is good. But it does not make me happy or feel less like dying. I feel like i dont even want to be happy.
Today i was looking for some part time jobs with my brother and he asked me what would i enjoy doing. I said anything is ok. He said no what would you ENJOY not what is OK. I could not answer him. I cant even enjoy things i should enjoy. I feel like i should end it. It is logical i think. I dont even see death as something bad. Everybody has to die i just want to die sooner than most. I think i am just prolonging the inevitable and i think i will eventualy kill myself.
I remember that the first time i tried when i was 13 i felt joy and relief when i managed to cut deep enough to start bleeding. No fear just reliefe. I try to live so i dont hurt the people that care about me but for how long i will manage to do that… I dont know. Right now i try to just carry on somehow and just not to think of ways to die.
Anyway thanks for reading. Sorry for gramatical errors i am writing on a phone.
SarahK responded to your post today with some heart felt and wonderful words of encouragement!
Here is a link to the video for you to hear her reply yourself,
I think you might have missed the point with self harm. I can fell relief from it but i was talking about the time i tried to kill myself for the first time. The time i cut my wrist and i thought i was going to die. That was the time i felt relief. I dont want to say that suicide is not an option, becouse it is. It is not even that bad. I feel like it is a logical option. There is a voice in my ming that does not want to hurt others but at the same time i feel like i should end it because it is a good option for me. i am tired of being stuck in this space where i dont want to live but have to because killing myself would cause others harm. Why cant people exept the fact that i just dont want to live… that i dont see life is worth it… i am sometimes so angry and frustrated tired and just done… some days are better but some are just… bad… and sometimes for no particular reason… why cant i just dissapear
anyway thanks for your reply
i am glad that someone found the time for it… i am sorry that i coud not give you a more positive answer but that is just how i see things
Please know that I do not expect my words to heal you overnight. It is ok to be in this place. It is ok to have these feelings. They are valid and it sounds like you have been through a lot. And even if you don’t have a reason to be upset, that is still ok. Sometimes, that is how it goes and it sucks, no doubt.
And you are right. It is true, but if you do pick suicide, then you will eliminate any chance of you getting better. There is no easy answer to your situation, but I believe that healing is possible for you. I believe that these won’t last forever. You just have to figure out if you want to stick around to find out. And I hope you do.
Hold fast. I believe in you
Thank you. I am still trying to go on. Every day. I am no longer feeling hopeless every day but most days i just feel numb and without any real aim or motivation. I feel like i should die. But i am still going on but i dont feel like i even want to… i just dont want to hurt people and i dont even have the energy to kill myself… i am just empty.
I hope you are doing better.
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