I’m terrified of fully recovering.
I know that sounds ridiculous… Why would I be scared of actually living a full life? I’m asking myself the same question.
The last week or so has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions that I don’t understand - and some that I really don’t like. For a few days I felt like I was doing really well - I was in a good place mentally most of the time, but, since Monday, things have started decline rapidly… I’ve been feeling unimportant to the people who say they care about me, even when they take the time out of their day to talk to me… I’ve been feeling underappreciated by the people I’ve tried to help, and the people I continue to help… It’s been really exhausting me trying to work out where all of this is coming from, because, I know these people who say they care, do really mean it… I mean, they wouldn’t do the things they’ve done for me if they didn’t.
I’ve been trying hard to keep doing the next right thing, eating properly, sleeping, writing, praying, reading different bible plans and my Narcotics Anonymous literature, attending meetings and sharing… I’ve been staying honest with my therapist and sponsor too, but, nothing seems to be helping me out of this hole I’m in right now, and, I think I’ve only just worked out why.
I’ve spent nearly 13 years self harming and 7+ years stuck in active addiction, and now, at 9 months clean from all drugs, I’m still not comfortable with having to feel everything, and not be able to just “disappear” for a few hours when things get too much… This is where my self harming has come back to surface… I’ve broken 1 habit and that was a big change. I’m on a new schedule, which, because of my issues around food, is another big change. I’m scared of letting go of the self-harm and not having any familiarity. I keep being told I need to hand it over to God, stop acting on my own will and act on His will for me instead - which, I got better at for a while. I just seem to have taken this area of my life back, and I’m not sure how to overcome the fear of letting it go. I mean, I’ve handed over most of the other things, so, why is this any different? Why can’t I do it?
I’m scared of what’s around the corner. I know that whatever it is, it’s a part of His plan for me, but, this is all still very new to me, and I’m terrified, so I’m hanging on to that last little piece of my sickness which is just manifesting into self depricating thoughts all over again and making the abuse from my family and comments from other people so much harder to handle…
How do I get over this fear? How do I hand this back over? I want to learn, and I want to get better. I’m just afraid of what will happen when I let go of that last little piece.