I think my boyfriend is falling out of love

[kyoto]

I’m pretty sure my boyfriend, of almost 10 months, doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

First thing I noticed was he asked me for my phone, wouldn’t tell me why. Just kept asking for it, for maybe 15 minutes. I refused to give it to him and went to my room. There was no reason for me to give it to him, no reason for him to suspect anything, and I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.

About 10 minutes later, he messaged me to come back to his room. 5 minutes after, I saw it and came back. He basically said it was a moment of weakness, per-say. His trust issues and all that. But he had no reason to think I had done something, and I’ve never broken his trust.

Never hangs out with me anymore. He only works 3 days a week, and occasionally goes to the gym. And even though there’s plenty of time for him to go places with me, he just doesn’t anymore. He doesn’t buy me things.

I never get those ‘I love you’ texts before he leaves for work, or ‘have fun’ when I’m staying at a friend’s for the night.

He used to lay down with me when I cried, wait until I calmed down, then we’d talk it out. Even when it took all night, and neither of us slept. But now, he’ll impatiently ask what’s wrong a few times, and when I can’t answer (because I’m still crying) he’ll say he can’t help if I don’t tell him the problem and leave.

No touch, no cuddling, no intimacy. Just the occasional kiss when I ask, and it’s always quick/half-assed. He won’t even hold my hand in public anymore.

But I don’t know how to talk about it, because every time I do, he just denies it and convinces me to stay.

I don’t know if I’m just paranoid, too attached, or what, but I have no clue what to do.

[ManekiNeko]

Hey Kyoto, welcome to heart support and thank you for sharing some of what you’re feeling.
Relationships are at times a delicate balance. Sometimes it feels so easy and carefree and other times it takes a lot of work to keep the momentum going.

I know I cannot speak for you or your boyfriend, I can only speak for my own experiences and the effects it has.

What I do know from my relationships is that I used to have a lot of difficulty speaking up and sharing my feelings and thoughts. I had a few relationships that weren’t the healthiest and so when I used to get “paranoid” they didn’t love me I felt like I was going insane. The actions and what I was being told didn’t quite line up.

That’s not to say that every relationship that goes through that is unhealthy, mine certainly were. I am now in a very healthy relationship and there are times were we really have to work on communication, on boundaries and on ensuring that we meet each others needs.
The sometimes tricky part of this is that both parties do have to participate in being present and communicating even if it means hearing things you don’t necessarily like.

If it’s helpful I can give some examples
My partner will tell me he loves me over and over and over. At first it used to annoy me and I’d snap at him “I know you just told me that”.
This was hurting our relationship so we had to talk about it. I was making him feel paranoid and needy.
I asked him why he keeps repeating it over and over and he told me it’s because he needs reassurance. So now when he starts repeating it over and over I know I need to take a minute to give him a hug and reassure him he’s loved.

So no I don’t think you’re paranoid or too attached, I think you need some reassurance from time to time as we all do, just like my partner does.

How we communicate and respond to each other takes work from both of us, and it takes trial and error to find a rhythm to it.

[Shan]

Hi Kyoto,

Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing what you are going through in your relationship right now. I’m sorry to hear this has been happening. From my own experience I know how difficult and confusing it can be when you can sense and feel your partner’s distance towards you but don’t know what you should do. Regardless of what your boyfriend says when you try to address this with him, your feelings are valid, and you are not being paranoid. From what you detailed, it sounds like there is a clear difference in the way that your boyfriend is treating you now versus how he treated you previously. And that is behaviour that would make any person question their partner’s feelings for them.

It seems as though your needs in the relationship are not being met the way they used to be and that is a hurtful thing. because we just desire and yearn for things to go back to the way they were and that brings up so many questions: why did things change; will they get better; will they get worse; what should I do - stay, walk away? It can really leave our head in a world wind of thought.

From my experience, in situations like this, I first tried to communicate what I noticed and how it was making me feel. I would do so in an objective manner, by asking my partner do we still…the way we used to. Communication is a two-way street. We have to be able to respectfully communicate what we feel, but our partner also has to be able to listen and understand for real change and relational growth to occur. I found that phrasing my concerns that way opened their eyes to understand that negative changes were actually occurring in the relationship (because sometimes they don’t realize or notice, or they don’t see it as a big deal). If that conversation was unsuccessful then I had to make a hard decision. And to do that, I thought about what was more important to me, my well-being, receiving the love that I desire and deserve, or my partner. I had to realize for myself that if I’m unhappy and my partner is unphased and unwilling to even try to make things better, then maybe they are not the right partner for me and this is not a good relationship for me to pour into.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to what do you want? What is most important to you? What do you deserve?

I wish you the best and I hope you two are able to work things out.

[kyoto]

To put this simply, he loves another girl. And yes, I know for sure, he’s cheating. I saw them, together. I saw what he has her name saved as. He didn’t even try to hide it.

But I can’t leave. He said if I did, he would kill himself. I feel like I am in danger if I stay, but I also don’t want him to follow up on what he said. I don’t know if I should leave and hope it’s an empty threat, or just simply sit and watch this.

Either way, I don’t think this will end well for me, or at least it won’t end without some sort of violence from him.

Sorry if any of this is incoherent, as I’m trying to write this down quickly before I have to leave the house.

I just feel like all I can do is leave him. So, tomorrow, that’s what I’ll do. If anything substantial happens, I’ll post an update. I just don’t think I could make it work.

[Shan]

Hi kyoto,

I’m truly sorry to hear that. That is very manipulative behaviour and you deserve better. Good for you for deciding that you want to leave this relationship. I am hoping for the best for you as you make the decision to walk away and leave. Please do so as safely as you can and take precautions.