I think this is a Story

This is pretty weird for me. Sites like this scare me all the time. As people with depression we’re told to talk things out, especially when we feel close to ending it all. Part of me hates reading the end it all messages, because I feel I’m right there with them.

My heart feels empty right now.
I feel sad right now.

The subject isn’t a story for nothing, i guess i need to let things out. Maybe someone can relate/help/heal with this.

I was born and raised in a large city. I’m a number in the grand scheme of things. School’s here teach you that very early on. I like to think I’m an artist. I create, but lately its been slowing down. Cutthroat competition is something also taught in larger cities. “You’ll never be good until you beat everyone else” was always the mentality taught to artists here.

It hurts.

I’m an introvert. Keeping to myself just seems like second nature to me at this point. I never really trusted anyone here. Family always taught me friends always “end” and family ends with “ily”. Y’know that kind of optimistic bullshit. With how two faced my family is, I can’t seem to trust them either, but they support me so i guess I can’t complain.

I’m 23, I have four friends, none of them can hang out together. Part of me wishes i had more. Part of me likes these few friends. Quality over quantity sort of thing. But none share my interests.

I’ve been in about 4 serious relationships, 1 was a stalker, 1 was online, 1 was a mental abuser, and 1 gets the unfortunate product of all three.

I graduated college despite the endless nights of staying up procrastinating, watching the ceiling with anxiety and depression, and crying.

I’m a total crybaby. The crying helps sometimes. It hurts sometimes too. Like, am i that incapable of an adult to not be able to stop myself?

I’m supposed to be an adult. I don’t drive a car, I don’t live on my own and for the most part, i feel like a failure. I skip meals, baths, hours of sleep because of stupid reasons.

Like now, I can’t seem to bring myself to sleep. Its 3:00 am. I’m tired so whats wrong with me? Why can’t i sleep? Am I afraid of the next day? Am i afraid? Am i excited?

“Story” aside, i’m still sad, scared, angry (mostly with myself) but i still get up. I pull myself up. I dont know why.

Maybe i will be that animator i wanted to be…
Maybe i will have a job that keeps me home…
Maybe i will make more friends…

Maybe i’m just kidding myself.

This will probably be my only entry for a very long time, but its’s good to let it out i guess.


This is an awesome post – because it’s laced with courage…to be real, to name things as they are and as you hope them to be, to name your regrets, your beliefs, and your fears. You’re at a place where you don’t want to be, but you’re also not entirely hopeless – you still feel like your dreams and desires are possible. You don’t know how you’ve made it here, but yet here you are with a college degree, a few friends, and some skills you feel might turn into a job you love. You are frustrated you can’t control your crying, but you are also relieved that you do. It seems like with every negative there’s a positive, and even if it doesn’t match the intensity of the positive, I think it’s important for you to see that. For every weakness you have a strength, for every down, you have an up. And even though that makes for a rollercoaster – at least your life is a good ride! You know? Like, from where I’m sitting – and keep that in mind it’s a lot easier to feel optimistic about your life when I’m not the one living it, but nonetheless, from where I’m sitting – you seem like you’re okay! Not to diminish your feelings of depression or anxiety or frustration or “stuckness”, but also to say…you seem quite capable…you seem intelligent, self-reflective, courageous, and yes CAPABLE of pressing into the fear, even if it takes you time and isn’t always the perfect result, you still are able to face your fears, to face the things that might hold you back, and make progress. And even if you’re feeling so much pressure because ou feel “behind”, living with your parents and not having landed your perfect job, I also have this sureness inside of me that you’ll get there! And whenever you do will be perfect timing for your life and your story.

I don’t know, I just feel like – yeah, this Silvur’s going to turn out okay. Ya know? Don’t know if that helps at all, but I’ve got confidence in you.