I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, having never really acknowledging it until recently. I always thought I could just man up and get a hold of myself. Always thought I was just being a woe is me cry baby. I understand it a little better now, but it doesn’t help me feel any less helpless. I’ve tried meds, I’m in therapy(recently stopped going as often). Ive always felt I mess everything up in my life. I know that’s a poor attitude to have but I try so hard to be better and there’s always something that gets in my way. I know a better, stronger man would just be able to get over that but I try so hard to take on that mind set and I just can’t. I recently got promoted at my job after working there for years and I keep messing up over and over. It’s a wonder I haven’t been fired yet. Al I want to do is walk out and give up. I have no motivation to keep going. Things at the job have gotten so bad and I’m so behind that I can’t even think or come up with a plan to make them better. My mind just races and I feel like I can’t breathe. I want to cry all the time. I hate that I can’t get out of this mindset. I hate that I feel bad for myself all the time. I don’t want to, it makes me feel weak and embarrassed. I thought I was over this feeling of not wanting to go on anymore but it’s all coming back and hitting so hard. I worked so hard, for years, to get over this fucking depression and try and be better and all it took to bring me down was a few hard weeks at work. I don’t know how I can do this anymore.
Hey there
So… Feelings and emotions don’t make you weak. They make you human and empathic. I’m not sure as to your no it sounds very demanding and a very high stress inducing environment.
As a thought if you have a team with your job maybe you guys can pow wow a solution?
If needed perhaps tale a pto day to take a day to recover and take a mental health day and “do you” even its eat Cheetos on the couch watching Nickelodeon. Or reading a book with a cup of coffee.
To me, again just from what I read, you been putting extra stress on your self to do extremely well and being extra critical on your performance.
I know this is easier said than done bit just breathe and count backwards from ten and relax for a few. You got this!
Thank you for sharing.
orran27,
It’s the most brutal defeat when you are overtaken by something you thought you conquered.
I’m so sorry, friend…it is a depth of sadness and hopelessness that’s hard to fathom. It feels like everything you knew worked doesn’t anymore…like a virus that has mutated and your previous medication isn’t adapted to the new strain.
Especially when it feels like it’s not that big of a deal – like, a few weeks of tough times at work and now THIS?! It doesn’t feel fair.
I can definitely relate. I struggle with addiction to porn and it comes and goes in a similar way where it feels like I’ve conquered it and then reappears. It is always a wave of hopelessness that crashes and steals my breath…feels like I am getting tugged to a sea I thought I finally reached land and safety.
It takes so much internal grit to decide – I’m going to fight for the shore…again.
I know you have that grit. As do I. Let’s keep fighting.
-Nate