I totally agree with what you said as a martial ar

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I totally agree with what you said, as a martial artist of 19 years (still training) the destruction I want to inflict is sometimes frightening, even to me. I don’t feel the best inside, I have a lot of self-image issues, and some other things I’m working on fixing. I know I’m not ok, but I’m trying to take steps to try to heal.

To summarize, 14 years of C-PTSD from a bipolar alcoholic mom (physical, verbal, and neglect), 2 of those years were constant sexual molestation/rape from a male step-sibling when I was between the ages of 7-9 and he was 14-16, to top it all off Lots of school bullying to add into the mix. Not trying to trauma dump or say that I’ve had it the worst than anyone, but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Honestly trying to microdose on mushrooms cause it’s more affordable than most psychiatrist’s places I’ve called and asked about how much they charge per session.

Again not trying to farm sympathy, or do the whole “oh poor me” cause I know people all over the world have had, still have, and will have way worse upbringings than I did. I just hope that one day I can get better so that when I have kids eventually I won’t repeat the vicious cycle.


I’m proud of the steps that you’re taking towards helping yourself, it is very commendable and very brave of you. Thank you for opening up, I’m so sorry to hear about the trauma that you’ve endured through so much of your childhood, it must be a difficult issue to process.

I want to encourage you to know that this is safe space here, in no way does it feel like you’re trauma dumping or fishing for sympathy. There will always be someone out there who is “worse off” than we are, but that never invalidates our issues or the way that we’re feeling. I want to help you get this hurt off of your chest so I can help you fight it, I want to help you get better because I know that it is possible.

To have faced such abuse and molestation throughout your childhood breaks my heart, they are horrible people for what they have done to you and their actions were in no way your fault. It makes me very proud of you to see how far you’ve come from overcoming such a hard past to now being a martial artist and be so proactive and admirable with growing into the amazing person that you are.

All of us are works in progress, but the best things take time. I’ve struggled with self-image issues for years and have only recently come to a place where I feel content and comfortable talking about what I’ve faced with my friends and family. The anger that you feel is very valid. Sometimes getting our anger out in physical ways can be very productive, but can in the end leave us more angry that when we started.

One thing that I think would greatly benefit you is practicing self-love. I’ve found that positive affirmations, talking with my friends and family and practicing self-care has greatly helped me self-image issues and helped me in validating my feelings and emotions. When we’ve been hurt and wronged by others, it can be hard to not put part of the blame on ourselves or see ourselves as nothing more than products of abuse. This is so far from the truth, and you are so much more than a victim, and even more than an overcome. You are incredible. Just from reading your story I can see the brave and selfless person you are. I’m certain people around you who know you see it as well, and I want you to also be able to see the power and light that you hold.

I’m so sorry to hear that the psychiatrist places you’ve called are so expensive. It breaks my heart and makes me angry that therapeutical practices aren’t something that is a basic needed and freely provided. I find that there are many hotlines, articles, and videos that can help you learn about mental disorders and coping skills such are CBT. I also have found great help in the YouTube channel psych2go in learning about mental health conditions and self-improvement advice. As someone whose struggled with substance abuse, substance honestly do really help the pain when things hurt, but it is temporary. It can feel like being sober is scary and hurtful, causing more and more substances to be taken in order to keep feeling the temporary relief. While microdosing might help for the time being, sitting down and talking with a trusted friend or writing down these feelings and emotions can cause triumphant breakthroughs and help you learn how to process these emotions in a way that can give you complete peace.

I know that there is so much joy and so much healing in your future. You are not the hurt that has been inflicted upon you and you do not have to feel shame for reaching out. If you want to talk further, HeartSupport would love to be your listening ear and aid you in your journey towards bettering yourself. You are so loved and you are not alone, I believe in you <3


I’m so sorry you were sexually abused as a child–nobody deserves to have their innocence and childhood ripped from them!
I feel like it’s so easy to slip into an attitude of wanting to inflict hurt on others when we’ve been through injustice and pain. It is just so commendable that you have resolved to spare your future children’s innocence and provide them with a better upbringing than you experienced.
Your entire attitude in this post is inspiring–just that you’ve been through so much hurt yet you aren’t looking to be a victim and continue to exude a positive mindset and a will to overcome and do better for yourself and your future family.
I hope that you aren’t too hard on yourself for not being where you want to physically and mentally–we are all works in progress in different stages of the process, and not a single one of us has everything perfectly figured out. I have to remind myself of that often when life and my own shortcomings have me feeling beaten down.
I hope and pray you can continue to heal from the hurt from your past and that you would be able to parent with extra love and care when your time comes. You sound like a wonderful human, and I’m rooting for you in your battle with self-image and whatever other issues life throws at you. You got this friend!