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I’ve been struggling with overcoming trauma from being controlled and mentally, sexually, and physically abused in previous relationships. I struggle with conflict, abandonment, and self love. Today I am in EMDR therapy trying to overcome my own toxic behaviors I learned from these abusive relationships, let go of the hold the trauma has on me, and learn to be healthy and love myself. Today I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life and sometimes struggle with being healthy in the relationship. I always fear he’ll leave like everyone else did.
You have been through multiple traumatic experiences and relationships that have hurt you over time. It is truly beautiful to see you posting this message today. Just being here, sharing these parts of your story and how much you’ve been pushing through/healing over time to overcome these traumas. Being open being honest with the fact that it’s not always an easy road, and there are still obstacles ahead to overcome. Just this gesture of vulnerability here is so powerful, and speaks so much of your strength. You are not broken and none of what has been done to you would ever defeat you. There is life that shines through you, and it’s humbling to hear about how you’ve been regaining a sense of self over time.
Being some what what would call a “survivor” of sexual assaults myself, I just want to acknowledge how much energy, strength, determination and pain you have been through to come to the point of posting this. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being here today.
On a different note, it completely sense to feel like trust is still hard to give, no matter how much you love the person you’re with right now. Even though you know objectively and rationally that you are in a healthy relationship, even though you may feel safe in it, it is understandable that this “new normal” challenges you compared to what you’ve known before. Somehow, what is healthy and safe can feel really risky and potentially harmful when you’ve been used to be hurt before. Your body and mind have the memory of the hurt that others added into your life, and it’s hard to not directly associate past pain to present circumstances – especially when it catches you unexpectedly at times, as a result of trauma. You were betrayed and impacted before in ways that no one should ever have to go through. You were subjected to someone else’s violence and behavior, and it is understandable to still feel the effects of that in your present life, even though a long time may have passed. It does not question in any way your personal progress in healing. It’s just yet another layer of healing that needs to happen little by little.
I hope that, you manage to be very patient while you navigate these emotions/thoughts/fears, and that you keep seeking help or using your support system as much as possible. Coming to the point of accepting safety without questioning it is a real challenge after knowing adverse experiences. It’s like you’re inviting your entire being to re-learn what it is to feel safe and healthy without the presence of danger. And when you add someone to the picture, when you invite someone in this very vulnerable part of your world, when you allow someone to be close, the perspective of being betrayed and hurt all over again can be more intense. Something so powerful is that you are aware of all of this, you understand yourself and your needs in the present, in light of what you’ve been through – and that is such a beautiful, strong manifestation of your own healing. At your own pace, you will overcome this fear and regain the possibility to trust the way you want to. You got this, friend.