I’ve tried and failed so many times. I can’t keep this up

I’m 32 years old. I am a complete bum. I had an awful childhood, went to college and became an alchoholic, now I’m here. I’m completely lost. I’ve tried to fix myself over and over again. I quit drinking, got in shape, I really tried. Every time it’s the same story. It just becomes a snowball of issues from my past that keep destroying everything I try to build. The worst part is I convince myself there is hope things will improve. But I know, just like every single other time, that no one will be there for me, no one will understand me, no one will even try. I’ll start drinking again like I always do. I’ll fuck up the few relationships I have. I have no family, no future, no nothing. I’d do anything on earth just to have someone tell me what to do to find some kind of joy in this world but in the end no one gives a shit about people like me.

You’re expecting too much. From you’re own experience when have things ever been easy? Your perspective is skewed if you think that fairness and equality is the purpose of this world. Survival is the priority. Not survival of the fittest, the Survival of the tolerant. If you can tolerate the difficulties that this life makes you experience than you will survive. Happiness & Joy (no matter how much is pushed) is not the priority of this world.

If you want to live in this world to be happy and possibly full of joy than you must abandon all your hope that this world will ever accept you. Stop expect them to accept you. Your worth shouldn’t be dependent on others. Because others don’t understand you and most don’t care to understand you. They want to see you fail out of their expectations to survive.

You want happiness & Joy in your life than abandon the priority of this world. Focus on yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Your happiness or joy can only give fruit from being independent from the desire to be accepted from others. Your worth should only come from yourself.

Be strong.

Never give up, Never let go no matter what, That used to be a lot like my Dad, He used to always drink, keep trying to move forward, kept trying to enjoy life, Never let the cycle repeat, keep your feelings strong, I may not be able to help much. But I care, we Care, Even if you don’t see that, Believe it. Because we really do. Things are actually really tough in life, Even I know that, I’ll stand with you, even when you fall, we will be here for you, Because we understand how it feels, I care, I really Really Do. - JTG

“I Honestly don’t know what else to say to this, I haven’t got a big story like everyone else, but from my childhood, I’ve seen enough hell’s, enough family disruption, break downs, had no friends to even help me, ran away enough times, wanted to give up so many times, end it all, Been there enough times, made my family cry their eyes out, Started becoming a alcoholic because of my dad when I was around 13, well Wanted to stop because I knew something was up, That’s just part of my story there, but from that I’ve been through enough hells to say I really know what its like.”

“I can relate to the failing thing, I’ve failed enough times, really enough times, I know I’m adding on, Its pushed me down to wanting to suicide, Yet even these days I still have that feeling, Yet Never give up, never let go of your inner strength.”

Hey man, sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. Just know that we love you and we care about you. Your situation is hard, but it’s not stagnant. It will change, it will get better, we are here to suffer alongside you in your defeats and celebrate alongside you in your victories. Mistakes suck, but they don’t define you. Sometimes it feels like a mistake or relapse sets you back at the start, but often times it’s just another step on the forward road to recovery. You can get better. We believe in you.

Hang in there friend,

Hey @Letsdude! Morgan here I am an intern here at HS and dude I got to say this sucks. I also got to share your strength though shows. You always try! You show you want to change. I can see that feeling though that nothing will change but I can see the longing to change and achieve.

The best way to feeling some joy is by remembering that you are not alone and that there are others who can really relate to this.

I have been in a cycle of addiction personally and it has taken a lot to own it. Owning my mistakes has helped me personally grow. It sucks going back to the root of the problem but it helps me grow and rebuild.

You have a family here and are loved.

I never had emotional support or love when it came to my abusive past for a very long time. I just pushed through, Not cause I wanted to live. I didn’t want the abusers to win over me. It took till I met my fiancee and had to reface one of my abusers recently. I had so much come back up and I broke from it. They don’t have a hold on me anymore, I realized that when I looked at my friends and the people who I knew could help. They protected me and kept me as calm as they could. Cause of the help of others I’m finally seeing my worth as a person. I’m slowly getting past the venom that was forced into my life. I never believed I was worth loving. But due to my fiancee, my guild wars 2 group and Heart support. I know better now and I can rely on that feeling to fight.

Like Dan, my father was an alcoholic and it ruined his life and heavily effected mine.My dad would never face his fears and thought the only answer was to drink. He never tried to fix himself. His “snowball” faded when I was in jr high and high school. After I graduated, it came back with a vengeance. He fell and lost everything. He abandoned me and my mom, he was homeless and jobless and fighting. The last time I saw my dad was when he left. 2 years later I saw him again, to identify his body. I don’t want anyone to feel the way my dad did. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I did with that. It hurt me more than I will ever know. I know that things so small will effect thing sin the future. It’s an emotional version of the butterfly effect.

I really appreciate the kind words. I really do. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t have it in me to fight. I wouldn’t even know where to start. All I want is to do anything to forget my life. There is nothing. No interests. No friends. No relationships. I don’t exist.

i relate a lot too, except for the alcohol part, that was pretty much where i was before i found this place here with these people :slight_smile: stick around, you don’t have to be alone anymore. check our discord and/or live streaming if you can.

don’t give up hope <3

@Letsdude Hey friend, here is our response from our live stream. Hold Fast.