I walk this lonely road.. the only road that I have ever known

So this is a rant, me yelling about my feelings etc, so sorry if it doesn’t make sense or flow at all!

As far as being authentic, and open about where I’m at, well I’ve struggled with that, honestly struggled with it for awhile now. And I’ve tried to equate it back to something else. And well the first thing my mind goes to was when my stepmom smacked me across the face when I told her that I was suicidal. So sure now it’s like when I reach out, I’m not really in fear of that happening again, but I just expect my feelings to be overlooked and dismissed, and well seen as stupid or invalid, or me just being over dramatic. Also me constantly feeling like other people need the support more then I do, so I just try to give them the support, and I just bottle up all the stuff I have going on. Which sure in the end probably hurts me more, but I also live my the logic that I don’t want to bring other people down with me in the process.

Sorry this is going to jump around a lot because I’m kind of just typing as I feel things, so I can attempt to get it all out and process things. Now as far as hiding goes, well that’s a whole other story. I hide and isolate for many reasons, a lot of these we’ve already talked about, but like I think some of them are specifically important to this situation. 1) Shame (usually occurs after a relapse or multiple) 2) Anger (over everything going on and just wants to be alone) 3) Anxious (that someone is out to get me, or that I’m going to be hurt) 4) Not caring/wanting to give up (feeling like this is the end so I pull away from everyone because well it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel like this list could honestly go on and on. But those are four main things I realize going on when I pull away and attempt to isolate from the community but also from people in general.

Now, on to the topic of my mother. That’s tough! I have mixed feelings, especially after she reached out to me today, and I kind of brought this up to Danjo on stream yesterday but it’s hard. To quickly sum up what happen we got into an argument, and she pretty much told me I was a mistake, and a terrible person etc. Mind you I hadn’t talked to her in almost a year, and the only reason she reached out to me was for money, so she could support her drug addiction. Like if it was a non family member doing and saying this shit to me I would have cut them out in a heart beat. Or even if it was a significant other, I would like to believe I would do the same thing… But when a parent it’s just different. It’s not as easy to just be like uhmm well I’m just going to block her and never talk to her again and that’s it. Well unfortunately I can’t do that. For a few reasons, first because there’s a younger sibling involved. My younger sister is 16 and lives with my biological mother, and I love her to fucking death. She has her own struggles with mental health and identity as well, so I also feel like it is my responsibility to be there for her, and help her in anyway possible. I don’t think it’s fair to punish my younger sister, just because I don’t want to be in contact with my mother anymore, or even have a relationship with her anymore for that matter. She wants me to come visit her for Christmas this year, she says she wants to rekindle the relationship. But yet look at the shit she said yesterday, how does she expect that relationship to rekindle and be healthy.

As far as responding on the wall, I made it one of my goals to try to respond to one post a day and I just can’t. I set up that goal and I guess set myself up to fail because honestly there was no way I was going to be able to do that. My heart couldn’t handle it. And especially right now I feel like I’m in the place of trying to pour out of an empty cup and it’s not working out in my favor. And honestly it’s making me feel worse and feel more empty. But yet I know those people deserve that love and support so I then make it my responsibility to make sure it happens.

Now as far as relapses go and guilt and shame and apologizing I still struggle with that. I’ve pretty well spent my entire life apologizing. Whether it was for things I specifically did or not, or whether I had control over them it was what I did to defuse the situation, try to avoid the person from leaving, stopping loving me/supporting me etc. I’ve been constantly relapsing, and constantly feeling empty and just as worthless as before. Honestly I did better mentally when I wasn’t trying to not relapse, then I am now that I’m trying not to. Now when I say relapse it’s three things (porn, self harm (cutting and burning), and taking pills (xanax or pain killers). I’m starting to believe the recovery isn’t for me and maybe it’s not, maybe I’ll be stuck her forever.

But I can say one thing for certain, if I continue down this road, I won’t live to see graduation in May, and to be honest that’s pretty freaking scary to think about. I feel like I’m slowly fading away, and I feel like I can’t continue down this road. I love you guys a lot, and I love this community. I feel like I need to be a better member of this community, and I promise you guys I do try. And I’m sorry I’m not good enough.

Love you guys! Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,

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I am sorry that your step mom reacted that way. I can to a point understand how that feels, when I told my sister she told me to suck it up and that everyone feels like that at some point. But know that just because someone isn’t willing to recognize your feelings and needs, doesn’t make them stupid or invalid, you deserve to be heard and have your feelings respected.

As hard as it is, because your thought process makes sense, isolation only makes things worse. I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to reach out here to express yourself.

You are not a mistake and so far from being a terrible person. You are loved and just because someone isn’t willing or able to love you doesn’t mean you are unlovable.

Wow, that’s sounds like an incredibly complicated relationship. Sorry that you are having to deal with that. Remember, that it is important to take care for yourself as well. Maybe there are some boundaries you can set up without cutting her out completely? Or to keep your sister in your life but not necessarily your mom to the same degree?

Maybe, you should start with a smaller goal… like responding to one once a week and then responding to more as you feel like you can?
Also, it isn’t a failure just a sign saying that something should change/it’s too much for this season of your life. It’s more of a directional arrow then a failure (or at least that is how I like to view my “failures”). You need to take time for yourself, to refuel yourself.

Recovery is for you, it’s just not easy. One thing I remember hearing while I was in hospital is that recovery is not a straight line up, its full of dips and divets, and instead of being brought down by the low/bad days to instead look at them as learning days. To look into what is different (situation, not doing something you usually do ect.) and then work on those things/correct/change those things the next day.

You are so loved and you don’t need to apologize for relapsing or not being good enough.
You’ve got this, I believe in you!


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Hi friend, thanks for reaching out.

First of all, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. The path may seem dark and hard (and it is indeed) but believe me, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Hold fast, keep going, because you are strong enough to make it and to reach true peace and happiness.

Issues are always different and vary, but don’t believe you’re worth less than others. Problems are problems, and you’re doing a great service by helping others. People are made to help each other: don’t always expect people to help you in exchange, but even if rewards don’t come instantly, God always makes everything right in the end. Also, we all want to do more than we can. But it’s simplicity, it’s the simple and little things we do that make big changes. You don’t need to do great things to be important.

Don’t hide your feelings to everyone. If you have a good friend you can talk to, do it. If you haven’t, we’re here for you. Remember that.

Love you, wishing you the best

Pioggia :sunflower:

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Hi friend. I just wanna say you are enough. I’m sorry people in your life haven’t been there they way they should. Especially when you are reaching out to get some help. But know that there are trusted, good, healthy counseling/therapy services out there. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a counselor, teacher, pastor, etc. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. I wanna leave you with this video. Hope this helps.

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