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I want out

I’m having a really hard time coping with how things are going.

I am constantly isolated. If I am lucky, I get to go to my cousins on the weekend – other than this, nothing. The only people I talk to on a regular basis are my betterhelp counselor, and my cousin. The rest of my family is either dead, or prefers I stay away. I have no job, no friends, no social life.

Just me and my dog in a poverty level apartment with paper thin walls, and shitty inconsiderate neighbors.

I cant take it anymore.

I want what other people have. I want a family. I want somewhere that actually feels like home. I want people who care, and are worth caring about. I want someone to share my life with for more than a fucking hour at a time. I want out of this shitty hole that barely passes for a liveable home – that stinks of drugs and urine every time I go out my door.

I feel hopeless. I want out.

I feel like it might be time to end this. I’ve been fantasizing about leaving everything behind, and just driving till I get sick. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

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Hello Geko,

I’m sorry you are so displeased with your life situation at the moment.

This sucks. Unfortunately it has become reality for so many since the onset of Covid.

Do you have any hobbies? I often suggest to people to go to public places that are related to your hobbies so that it’s easier to break the ice. It’s fairly safe to assume that if you go to a game shop that anyone you meet will also be interested in gaming. Stuff like that.

Just more clarity, if you don’t have a job, how do you pay rent? No pressure to answer, you don’t have to.

This is actually a great thing. Usually when people get to this point, they find motivation they never knew they had in order to change their circumstances.

It is often dangerous to compare what you have with what others have, but if you use those things as motivation rather than envy, it may work for you. These things though - making a family, having a home as opposed to a house/apartment/whatever, someone to share your life with, getting to a better living situation - all of these things take a lot of time and hard work and sometimes it seem insurmountable to see all those things that you don’t have.

The best thing I can suggest is to break down each of these goals into smaller, more attainable ones. Perhaps in order to get a better residence, start putting together a resume that highlights your talents since you are out of work. Then, when you’re happy with it, set a goal to fill out x amount of job applications every day. Worst case, they say no. Best case, you get a job, you get a stable income and in a handful of months you can move into a more desirable apartment. Maybe go for walks or go to malls and see who you bump into in areas that interest you, and just say hi, or ask if they like that game too. It will take time but it is doable, I promise.

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@Geko thank you for sharing with us. I hope that getting it out helped to release some of the built up tension. That is a heavy emotional place to be in. Thanks for reaching out here and breaking a bit of the isolation away. It sounds like your life situation has you feeling very stagnant and trapped at the moment. I have felt that feeling and it makes my skin crawl and makes everything feel impossible to achieve. You’re experiencing the horrible effects of isolation. Isolation is hard and it’s very understandable for you to feel exasperated under the current circumstances.
I’d like to suggest something that helps both me and my husband when we start to feel that way. We do something random. Anything. We just get out of the house and do anything that will help us feel like we aren’t living the same day over again. It also helps to snap us out of the feeling that creeps in when we have just been stagnant for too many days in a row. I lost my job due to the pandemic and was home alone for a few months before I got new work and it really started to drag me down. But getting out every other day, even just to walk down a new street or drive to the grocery store for one pack of gum, or taking my dog to a new dog park, or sitting on top of my car instead of my couch… random things just to snap me out of it long enough to refresh. I don’t know if that will be helpful for you but I wanted to share that just in case.

On the note of you wanting a different life than the season you’re in right now - those are all great desires for your future. Desiring a partner, relationships, a safe environment. You are worthy of all of those things and you will experience all of those things :heart: Right now is a lonely and difficult time but this time will not be forever. All the desires you have may take time but if you go one day at a time, or take baby steps to get through this season, one day you will look back and see that you have achieved those desires. The timeline may not be what you thought, but you can get there.

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