Dearest @dr_hogarth,
Sudden changes suck and can be really tough to handle, especially when it’s connected to something so important and for which you have dedicated time, energy and sweat over the years. It doesn’t just make you re-evaluate your work and your actions, but you as a person. It triggers this all-or-nothing thinking that makes you believe that everything you do is trash, that everyone who didn’t love you as you should have were right, and therefore that you should disappear. But somehow you also know that these connections are wrong - even when they feel right. You do reach out even when everything in your mind and body is telling you the opposite. You are not just intellectually brilliant, friend, you are also emotionally intelligent. And for that, for YOU, I’m so very thankful because you are here and you show up despite such a rush of emotions and thoughts. This is who you are. This is strength. This is your beauty, that may not appear on any of the work you’ll do, but that we see here too.
Finalising a PhD is exhausting. It does take a toll on our mental health and is so freaking challenging. The support that we need during these significant life “rituals” and transitions should be so much more present. It makes completely sense to feel more on edge and overwhelmed by all of it. It’s like you’ve been building this important construction for years that gets higher and higher, but the more you add to it and the more you feel scared that the latest addition will make everything collapse. Feeling this way is understandable as there is more to lose in case something goes wrong. It shows how much you care, and how passionate and dedicated you are. That you’re not doing this for a title, but because you actually care about making a difference, making other people think thanks to your work, and use your wonderful mind for the betterness of your field - and of this world. That also speaks a lot about how inspiring you are!
Your dad wasn’t right. He missed out on the possibility to become a better human being thanks to you. He missed out on the possibility to embrace the beauty of unconditional love, and the fact that it lifts mountains. He may never become aware of this, but that is only his responsibility and the result of his decisions. His behavior, his choices when it comes to love were never because of you. They were because of him, his impossibility (or unwillingness) to see you. His denial. His insecurities. His story… and whatever else needs to be put there. But it’s not because of you, no matter what he told you to justify his poor thinking. Your mom and your friends here in this community will keep proving you that he was an exception to unconditional love, and that exceptions don’t make the rules. You do. And rejection of any kind does not need to hold any space in your mind, in your world.
You are so worthy, my friend. You radiate love, beauty and passion wherever you go. When I think of you, I think of someone who has strong ethics and is ready to live according to their values, all in a world that makes it really hard to embrace morality. This change that may need to happen with your work is for now this unpredicted and heavy rock that fell in front of you. Please don’t let it fall on you. Sit down, cry, scream, hug your lovely doggo, feel all that needs to be felt. But as you do please know that you are not alone on that road, but surrounded by friends who are willing to hug you, and to keep cheering you up when you’ll be back on your feet. You’re not walking alone. We’re doing life together. Slow down, feel, then there will be an appropriate time to strategize and build your own blueprints for a new invention: the tools that will help you break down this rock and swipe it away piece by piece.
This happened during a process that is meant to face those unfortunate rocks. You are worthy and intelligent, and it is because you are that you also keep learning from what you do. You’ll always do, whether you are Nearly Dr Hogarth or Officially Dr Hogarth. Right now, this event feels like a huge obstacle that sabotages you. With time, patience and care for yourself, you may start to see it as an opportunity to do an even-better-work, because this specific issue would have already been anticipated, and not a source of surprise during your thesis defense. Who knows, maybe it’s going to arm you with a new weapon and make you feel even more confident that day?
I of course don’t know the specifics of your work, but I can tell that you are brilliant and smart because you are to this point of your journey. I am SO proud of you. Of what you do, of knowing you, of calling you my friend and for your openness about these distressing times. If it feels lonely, you will always have a place to land here, rest, feel loved and energized again.
Regardless of what your work looks like in the future, no matter the decisions you take regarding your PhD, I will always be proud of you. Because you are not just Dr Hogarth, you are also you. And you my friend, is a world changer. You belong, so very much. 
