i’m such a suicidal piece of shit. even a minor inconvenience happens and all i think about is cutting my left arm open and watching the blood spill out. i think about it for hours or all day. all i ever do is upset or annoy somebody. i’m a constant inconvenience to everyone around me. every word said to me just feels like it’s filled with hate. i say things and they come off badly and i fuck up. i always fuck up. it’s all i ever do. i wish everyone would leave me. i wish i could leave everyone and spare them from my existence. i just want somebody i care about to tell me to kill myself. i just want them to say it so i can finally make at least one person happy with that request. i hate myself so fucking much. i hate everything. i wish everyone hated me. i want them all to hate me so i don’t mess up anymore. i want everyone to leave me and just let me die. i fucking hate breathing. i hate it so much. please let me fucking go already i don’t want to do this
I’m sorry you are in so much pain, friend, but I think you and I both know that nobody will tell you to kill yourself here.
I think yours is a tragic case of brainwashing. By whatever means you have been led to believe that you are a nuisance, that all you do is mess things up, and that you have no value. And this as been going on so long it is all you know to be a possible truth and you believe there is no other way.
I assure you, friend, you are none of these things. It pains me to read this and realize how misguided your perception of your true self is. We are all beautiful people with inherent worth. We all have unique personalities and gifts to offer the world. Every one of us makes mistakes, but that is what makes us stronger and helps us grow as people.
I know what I’m about to say will probably sound stupid but I promise its true - you need to change the way you think about yourself in order for your life to change. You need to realize that these things your brain tells you are lies. I’ve been in a similar situation before, where everything felt hopeless and it felt like it was just me, alone, against the world. Eventually I came to the realization that that wasn’t the case, mostly through therapy and a LOT of soul searching.
I’ve found that sometimes all we need is to stick it out until we can get away from our toxic environment, which is especially valid if you are a minor. Things suck when you’re young. You have societal pressures by friends and family, you’re pressured to do well in school with a grandiose value placed on college when there are many ways to go about finding a career. And for that matter, does anyone really know what they want to do with their lives when they are young?
Many of these things will go away in time. You’ll realize that you have value beyond what others think. You’ll understand that you are a strong person who has every right to reach out and take what you want. Want freedom? Just walk away and make your own destiny and don’t allow others to stop you. Want money? Go find an internship and gives you hands on experience in a trade that will pay higher than a basic community College degree. Want friends? Go out and meet people. Really put yourself out there. Want purpose? Go find it.
Life has so much to offer you. I know these things are hard to believe when all you feel is despair. But it is there waiting for you. You can do it. You have the power. You have the value, it is there waiting for you to find it.
Friend, you have made it this far in life, please don’t give up now. We are all in your corner and are cheering for you.
Hey @echo
I can see how much you are hurting and I am so sorry you are experiencing this right now. Thank you for coming here and sharing this with us. I can confidently say you are not a piece of shit nor are you an inconvenience. I know this community loves you and cares about your struggles. Ending your life would not make anyone happy. You may feel everyone would be better off without you but I can tell you they would not.
It may seem like you are always messing up and can never do anything right but when we are in such a dark place we start to believe that voice inside that says we are nothing. We are worthless and we’d be better off dead. Those aren’t truthful statements though. That voice warps what we do and turns it into something it isn’t making use believe that we never do anything right. You are struggling right now and it’s okay to feel anger and sadness and be so very tired of trying to be okay, but what we do with those feelings is so very important. Thoughts do not have to lead to action and you have come this far already and have continued to fight. That is something worth noting and does not go unnoticed! You may not feel strong but even just being here in communication with us takes strength in and of itself! We see you as someone worthy of love, support, encouragement and life.
Would talking through some possible options regarding coping be something you would be interested in? It sounds like when things become overwhelming turning that feeling in on yourself tends to be the pattern so maybe we could think of some helpful alternatives that could give you some relief?
Hannah Rhodes
dont do it. the people you care about. they would miss you. i know things are hard just hold on. you can do this stay strong. just know that people on here are here supporting you and are willing to help you get through your journey- idk the other word. stay strong
I’m so so sorry you feel this way. All this regret, anger, and self-hatred must feel unbearable. You feel like all you do is make life bad for people, but that really isn’t the case. You aren’t hurting others, others have hurt you and you’re blaming yourself. Those people are manipulating you into thinking that you’re the problem, and they’re the victim, when that’s not true. And now, even when you find people who aren’t harmful, you’re scared that they’ll harm you too. You’ve been led to believe by horrible people that everyone thinks of you the way they do, that everyone hates you. But that simply isn’t true. There are people out there who care about you and love you. Even though it feels impossible in this toxic environment you’re in, you have to take a step and reach out. It may feel like it right now, but you don’t really want to be hated. You want the love and support you deserve. You deserve so much better than this, you deserve better than to be miserable, and you also deserve better than to die. You deserve to live happily, and if you can muster the strength to reach out and get help, it’s possible. Living happily should just be a dream you’ve given up on. It should be something you get to experience everyday, and I want that for you so bad. You need to, if possible, get away from those toxic people. If you’re with your family and you can’t move out, reach out to a teacher, a school counselor, or a friend who can help you with all this. If you can’t do that, just hold on. One day, you’ll be able to get away from those people and live happily. Keep reaching out, and I promise things will get better. 
Friend,
If there is one thing I want you to know, it’s that I am happy you reached out here. I’m so sorry that you are hurting so badly that you want to take your life, but I promise, you’re not a screwup, and you’re not an inconvenience. I know that in this dark place you’re in, that it might not matter what I tell you right now, but I hope that you’ll take these words with you during your day to day activities. We want you here. We love you.
An interesting thing I read was a piece of advice. It stated that, when suicidal, you try finding something to live for. Usually people think that it has to be someone. It doesn’t. It can be anything, no matter how big or how small. Live for it until you can live for yourself. It feels like literal hell right now, but if you go, you may not get to see how good it can get later on. This period will not last forever.
I wish I could give you hugs right now and tell you how much you matter in person, but this will have to do for the moment. I’m thinking about you. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing.
<3 Tara
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