(Tw Self harm)
Recently it feels like I have been fighting a losing battle against my urge to self harm. I have been clean since around this past Christmas when I tried to reach out for help to my parents. They said a bit about how the way i felt wasn’t normal, gave me some anti-scar gel and forgot about it. From there my mental health stared to get better and all was good until 3 weeks ago. I met a friend of a friend online who lives in the UK (I’m in the US). We immediately became good friends and we would (and still do) message every moment of every day. Whenever we talk I feel happy, but ever since we started talking, my mental health has been rapidly declining. The thoughts of self harm have gotten really bad in the past week, he could tell something was wrong and when I explained he made me promise I wouldn’t hurt myself. Multiple times i found myself holding a knife, and only stopping because of our promise. Today I came close to self harming again, and i messaged him asking if he would forgive me if i broke my promise, he said he wouldn’t and I shouldn’t even think about it. I want to do it so bad but I don’t want to break his trust.
I’m also worried that we are hurting each other’s mental health. When we started messaging we both had good mental health, but it just tanked for both of us over the last 2 weeks and I’m worried this is my fault. He self harmed for the first time a few days ago (reasons unrelated to me). And I feel like it’s my fault for talking about hurting myself. It hurts me so hard when he is upset and i just can’t do anything because we are so far apart and there is only so much words can do. It hurts because he is stubborn and doesn’t listen when i tell him that he is isn’t ugly and that he’s a likable person. It hurts because I want things to be different. I don’t want to have a break from our friendship because I don’t want that break to become permanent, all i want is to fix our problems and be happy but i don’t know how to do that.
Hey @Ellie,
It’s great to see you <3 I understand you’re in a really difficult situation right now, and it sounds like you’re struggling with self-harm urges and worried about your friend. It’s completely understandable to feel this way, and you’re not alone. I repeat, you are not alone.
There are healthier ways to cope with your pain. A therapist can teach you healthier coping mechanisms and help you address the root of your urges. You can search online for therapists in your area or call a helpline like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. While your friendship is important, it seems like it might be triggering both of your self-harm urges right now. You can explain you need some space to focus on your mental health and promise to reconnect when you’re in a better place. Activities like exercise, journaling, spending time in nature, or listening to music can be helpful. It’s all about finding something that soothes you and helps you both in the short and long term.
Remember, getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You deserve to feel better, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out.
Hello Ellie!
My heart pours out to you and your friend, I want you to know that you do not have to go through this alone because there are mental health professionals, support groups and crisis lines that work day and night to help people that are struggling with self-harm. By seeking help yourself Ellie you can serve as a support system to your friend and introduce him to some of things that you are doing to get better. Lastly Ellie, I want to tell you that the world needs more people like you because even though you are struggling yourself, you still care about the welfare of your friend and that Ellie is a trait of a person that can overcome anything even this battle called mental health. Rooting for you Ellie, keep fighting!